This will be the last time I self analyse myself or talk about my random ramblings. I have gathered enough information as to finally have a clear idea about myself prior to starting therapy.
Ok. If everything goes according to plan, September is the month I start with the psychological therapy.I have a lot of ideas, but they are completely mixed and separated everywhere, like dried beans falling out of a punctured sack while running in circles. Since I think I have reached the end on my inner battle and I am accepting the need for transition, It's time to put all of my ideas together so I have something to fend myself during the therapy.
1- Description of my current status
1A - Mental: Mentally I am not binary. The main thought is "I don't feel like a man, neither a woman, I'm neutral". I have a mixture of male mental traits I like, and female traits I like but I am forced to hide from society. Acting "manly" feels bad, and acting 100% "girly" feels awkward to the people close to me. Inside my mind, I am a balanced amalgam of aspects I like, want to keep or embrace, and other I want to shed and leave behind.
1B - Physical: I have a not very manly body and a neutral face. Every masculinizing effect over time is painful to me. I've tried to steer the body towards a macho type with exercise, but it only made it worse. I totally embrace the idea of a "female" or "androgynous yet girly" body. I'm OK with changing my genitalia after a time. (Yeah, over my dead, cold body. I hate hospitals and being bound to a bed. never, ever again)
1C - Sexual Orientation: I am like a blank slate. Sexual desire has been absent for the biggest part of my life, and sexual activy was more of a a self-achievement than a neccesity. I did it to prove and stablish my male gender identity, but proved wrong. Fullfiling the male part on a sex session feels awkward, and I feel more like a lesbian. The thing under the legs feels extremely out of place during those moments.
I have identified myself about bisexual, but I don't have that much of an interest in men. If I were to transition and be a woman, that would mean that man would be the new heterosexual partner and woman would be the bisexual part.
1D - Current Perception of others about me. I am "awkward". I need to show a manly "facet" on front of people, yet things as caring for my physical image, hair removal, having a pink ipod, wearing t-shirts that are the opposite of macho is met with a "so wrong, you should be more manly". This is rather painful.
1E - Wanted Perception: I want my "awkward" gender conflicting traits to be regarded as normal, and not being coerced by society into "acting macho and according to my physical assigned at birth gender"
2- Why do I want to transition?
- Because I can and want
- Because I don't feel like a man
- Because my body does not match my mind
- Because it will make me happier
- Because I can't keep going like this
3- Pros and improvements for transition
- Life restart: Transition means starting on almost everything and moving towards a new life. I will have to live on my own, do everything on my own without the help of anybody, and rely more on myself. This is something hard but positive.
- It will put more distance between me and my family. The influence my family exerts on me can only be regarded as bad. Most of my self-criticism originates on daily no stop criticism about me coming from my immediate family. It feels like constantly being trapped into a cookie cutter and a major cause for my low-self steem. It would be incredibly positive and remove the restrains I have over starting transition.
- My dysphoria should lower. Constant masculinization is horrible. Stopping or reversing it would ease my mind. The fears of developing more baldness, man fat, etc over the years are unbearable.
- I may finally enjoy sex and could discover my sexual orientation.
- I won't have to "keep the manly act" and stop worrying about "keeping secrets".
- It will improve my health. Being fully aware of the dysphoria has taken a toll on my health, bot physical and mental. The sensation of running out of time, the eating disorder turning into almos anorexic, the inability to sleep, loss of concentration at work and inability to have a normal no-worries life. If it can fix that, so be it.
- It may improve my friendships and emotional relationships. Even when going with friends I feel awkward and acting, and when it comes to getting involved with a romantic partnet, I feel that lying about myself will only lead to more pain in the long run. Being sincere about myself will help me in having a normal social life.
4- Cons against transition that are holding me.
- My Voice and passing. My body is OK, my face can be pointed in the correct direction with a bit of surgery, I can learn how to move, but my voice seems to be plagued with an ailment that makes imposible to change my tone. I have a lot of pain, raspiness and mucosity that renders me uncapable of practising. My voice is not grave, but I can't raise the pitch or do falsetto. I want to hope that a solution can be found, but... The body is not important, but I am afraid of being clocked every time I open my mouth. I don't care about raising suspicions, but completely losing the costume and causing an awkward situation every time I talk with a stranger would be incredibly detrimental. Also, it could not allow me to go full time and keep me away from better job opportunities.
- I feel that I am not up to the task. All the things I will have to re-learn seem like a titanic oddisey that I maybe cannot reach.
* Counter: Maybe it is caused by being controlled by my parents and not being able to freely practise, or being examinated on EVERYTHING I do (changing my hairstyle, removing body hair) and having to put an act even at home. If I leave on my own this could be easier.
- Self Image problems. Maybe I will still be a monster even with all the surgeries and training. Looking at the mirror, taking photos of myself... I've been told that as a man I am attractive, but I see myself as ugly, hideous and deformed. I'm afraid that after altering my body I will still be the same aberration, but worse and my self-hating could increase.
*Counter: It may be in my head, but since people can't say the painful truth, I can't take it for granted.
- Family. Close family is the hindrance for transition, they want to block it and force me to remain as I am, hiding in the closet. Transition means distancing from close family and cutting ties with the distant family. The ties with the distant family are almost non existent, and seeing them post-transition will be far worse than with the close family, since they are more set in the past and lack any tact. With the close family it will be more painful since despite how much I dislike them, I am still attached to them. But at the same time I hate them, since they told me that doing this is my own caprice and the only outcome is hurting them, and that I am only thinking of myself.
- Poor self-concept of a woman. I am still carrying a social stereotype imprinted on my mind, translated as "wanting to be a woman is bad and wrong". A woman is frail, inferior, a pathetic joke imitation of a man, a slave to man, and an object for the satisfaction of man.Thanks, society and religion. I don't want to believe this, but it feels as it had been burn in my brain. Transition makes me think I am degrading myself.
*Counter: This may be the cause for not wanting to fully transition and wanting to retaing part of my old self.
- Afraid of discovering more about myself. I see my persona as an amalgam, but I am afraid transition will make me shed and lose more male traits and turn me into a full woman with no recolection of my old self.
And that's everything I can think of before saving it to a file and storing it until the therapy. Do you want to contribute with your own vision of yourself?
