when you cannot pass

[Ricki]

I was leafing through some webistes and looking at some old letters and posts and came accross this one and thoguht it had good advice and dialogue..

I've been reading the letter page on your site, and there is an issue that all sites seem to avoid.  The hopelessly unpassible.........

I've known about myself since I was 10 years old for sure, although I know some of it goes back to 7 or so.  I learned about transition when I was 10 years old and when I was a kid I thought, "thats for me"   Then I had puberty, and not a little puberty. I went to 6'2 and 240 pounds....... people were telling me how hansome I was, and all I knew was I felt like I was at my own funeral.  My occasional crossdressing stopped when I was 15. It hurt too damn much to even look in the mirror......   I went from bad company to drug abuse, and dangerous, irresponsible behaviour.   I still have some damage from my stupid, "kill yourself on the motorcycle" phase.

But I never forgot how much I wanted to be a woman, and how much I hate being a man.

About 4 months ago, I was driving my car across the river at about 9:00 at night, and I simply decided to drive the car in to the river. This was in December mind you. The water would kill you in minutes.....Anyway, I caught myself just as I was drifting into the guardrail.   Thats when I knew the jig was up. That I just coudn't keep it up another minute.

I decided that if this was my life, miserable in relationships, a ghost at parties, or any  mixed event,  and horrified to the point of violence at the site of my own reflection in the mirror, then I was finished.

So I went to my mother, who is a nurse, and a drug addict. And I simply told her I wanted  to commit suicide, and would she provide me with the means? I was so upset it seemed perfectly reasonable, that if shed brought me in to this miserable life that I'd hated for so long, then she should be willing to help me OUT of it too.  I tried to tell her about how I couldnt take being a man anymore. She simply wouldn't listen.  She said I "wasn't the feminine type" as if she either knew or cared. she told me to turn myself over to inpatient psych to find out what was "really" wrong. AS if 20+ years of introspection and personal abuse was somthing I made up....

Next she said "If I was that miserable, I'd try ANYTHING!" And I took her to her word. Went into her bedroom and looked for pills to steal. No suicide doses..... But there WAS a bottle of estrogen. Nice and full. So I put it in my pocket and I left.

The next day I took 2.5..... and about three hours later I felt good, So, I kept it up.... by the third day I realised I felt GREAT!  Exept my face hurt. I was smiling..... I didn't know I was smiling, I literally had to check a mirror....  I hadn't smiled naturally since I was 16. The best I could usually manage were sneers or smirks. All the laughter that only feeds on pain. I had my friend come over and take a picture.... it was that diffrent!

Everyones happy and cheerful, supportive, and encouraging "my significant other exepted."  A friend whos known me 20 years says "Its about time!" And is encouraging me to the transtion path. A place that after 25 years seems about as real as the land of Oz.

But they leave ONE thing out.   I'm really, really, unpassible..... I'm still 6'2, and have some significant hair loss.......   I'm so damn big my head is two feet around. I wear a size 12 mens shoe. I have a broken nose too......

So, I'm back to  square one, just where I was when I was 15 and  my life came to a screeching halt.  The only diffrence is now I have bootleg hormones, and legitimate therapy.   My TS friends keep saying "It does not matter." Its easy for them to say. The closer of the two is 5'6 and is half my weight.

I'm in the irrisistable force meets immovable object quandry.  I can't take it any more, I'm all out of stiff upper lips.  Maybe its the pills, but I seem to be crying a lot..........  I'm glad, there have been so many times I'd have done ANYTHING to cry.   BUt I think I have two  choices. I can work to transition, which I would sell my soul for, or I can commit suicide.

But, I'm trapped,  I don't want to die..... For the first time in longer than I care to think, I don't want to die. But I don't know whether I can be a pariah either......

I have been reding everything I find online for years about TS. But NOBODY says anything about us. The ones trapped. The people whos choice seems to be no choice at all. The death I've been running from. Or living in a position of  eternal ridicule and laughter.   When I first met my friend, she was not too passible..... It hurt so much to see what they did to her. I don't know if I could stand the sea of laughing faces................

If you have read much of my site, you know I try very hard to be as straightforward as I can be. I am not good at tact. So I will simply express my observations on your situation, and the situation of all who may be in a position where passability is unlikely, or even impossible.

To be blunt, the situation is seriously screwed up, but, there are always some options, though they all require some degree of compromise. It cannot be helped.

I am pragmatic. If I cannot have the whole cake, I will take as big a slice as I can get away with, and deal with that.

The main options I see are three in number:

1. Full transition, damn the morons

In this option, one must face having to deal with bigoted morons forever, and their scorn, true. However, I have known people who have done this, who have still managed, amidst the sea of idiots, to find a few good friends, a love, a life. Their road is not easy, and even simply going to a store or a restaurant requires a tough skin. They tell me it does not get easier over time, either. However, they at least find being able to live as themselves gives them peace, even if it is a troubled peace. No lie though, it is a difficult path for the totally unpassable person.

2. Full or partial transition, keep it half hidden

In this option, I have known those who have undergone full transition, but who only live as themselves outside of their work and exterior social life. The hormones have changed them enough that they are considered odd, but not enough to pass, so they still work as a male. In their private social life, they live fully as female, and have chosen friends that can accept, or who share, the issue of gender concerns. Some do this for reasons of passing, and some do this because their job is so very high paying that they cannot bear losing the wealth. In short, it is the life of the superhero, a double identity.  The benefit of this is that they can still have a private social life being themselves, but avoid outright mockery and exclusion in surrounding society. It is a compromise, but it can work, even if it also hurts too. Again, taking the biggest slice if the whole cake cannot be had. This is the option for people with thinner skins than those who could face option one.

3. Partial or full transition, keep it totally hidden

In this option, a person may transition to any degree, but they keep the fact entirely hidden. They live almost all aspects of their life as their original sex, but they enjoy the benefit of having the correct hormones affecting them, and in private, alone, they allow themselves to live as themselves. It is a sad and difficult way to be, but it avoids all mockery, while still gaining many desirable benefits. It is predicated on the understanding that the most important and core element of being transsexual is inner identity. Having the body and biochemistry support that identity is a great benefit, even if one cannot face the problems of living full time as one's true gender in the world.

I think you are correct in saying that few or none want to face the issue of people who can never hope to pass. This is a shame, because such a calamity can occur for many reasons: sheer physical shape, form and stature, a lack of female hormone receptors, a severely masculine skeletal structure, and much else. The most important thing that I can offer you is that the real problem in not passing has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are fine...it the bigotry and narrowness of others around you that is the problem. That is the reality of things, even if all about you cannot see it. Your real problem is not your size or your bones, it is other people.

Now knowing this will not make anything you have to face any different, but it is important to know nonetheless. Especially important, because all of the inevitable abuse can too easily drag down one's self worth. Sometimes all we have is the certain wisdom that we are blameless and pristine, that the problem is in the shriveled hearts of others around us alone.

I cannot tell you that you can get everything you deserve and need. I can tell you for certain that you can get some, even much, perhaps even most, of what you need to survive and to have some degree of contentment in the world. I maintain that having some contentment, even if it is not total, is better than a life of uninterrupted misery, or the total loss of your unique mind, heart, and gifts to the world. Better some cake, than no dessert at all, ever again.

It is not fair, it is not right. But it is real, and you have options. Find what is best for you, a balance that you can live with, a compromise that you can accept, a truce between your soul and the idiocy of the world around you. When you have determined such a compromise...go for it with all of your heart, and be glad for what joy you do get from it. Bitterness and anger only trap the person feeling them. Cherish every good moment, and wrest every drop of goodness from it. make that slice of cake count, howsoever small it may be.

Really, this is just common sense...because all people, in every situation, have to do some measure of this. It is just more dynamic, when the issue at stake is life and identity itself. Find you personal best compromise, and make it work. That is all that I know how to do, and all I can offer to you. That, and not to bother wasting your time with the idiots that would drag your spirits down.

Ricki

[RebeccaFog]

That was a good one, Ricki.

  Touching. I guess we should stop and think about the hard ones now and then.



becky

[MeganRose]

But they leave ONE thing out.   I'm really, really, unpassible..... I'm still 6'2, and have some significant hair loss.......   I'm so damn big my head is two feet around. I wear a size 12 mens shoe. I have a broken nose too......[

This is exactly what I thought about myself when I first started to transition. I'm way too tall, I have giant feet, I have a crooked nose, I have a body that is never going to look feminine in the way that I want it to. I went into HRT pretty much intending on going with solution number 2 from the article: only let the people close to me know whats going on, and still live as male for the rest of the worlds benefit.

My perspective has shifted so much in the last 9 months that it still astounds me. There is no way that I would be able to keep up a semi-secret transition like I thought I would be doing. Aside from the physical changes that are a bit of a give away (the breasts, facial features, my butt and hips etc), my state of mind is one that could just not deal with having to keep such an important part of me to only a percentage of my total existence. I used to feel like I was a woman, now I feel like a woman and when I look in the mirror I see a woman, and it doesn't matter how tall she is anymore, I think she still looks hot . I don't know how well I pass when I go out in public, sometimes I am sure I'm passing, sometimes I'm adamant that everyone I walk past sees me as a man wearing a bra and makeup, but I know that the people I love see me as a woman, and that I see me as a woman, and for the moment that is all that I need. I used to feel nervous about trying to present to people as female, now I get nervous when I try to present to people as male. I look forward to the day when I can leave that part of me in the past, because I know its getting closer every day.

Went on a bit of a rant there, sorrry bout that .

Megan

[Kate]

My perspective has shifted so much in the last 9 months that it still astounds me... I don't know how well I pass when I go out in public, sometimes I am sure I'm passing, sometimes I'm adamant that everyone I walk past sees me as a man wearing a bra and makeup, but I know that the people I love see me as a woman, and that I see me as a woman, and for the moment that is all that I need.

That's *very* encouraging to hear. Thank you for posting this.

I'm pretty much in the position of the author... 6'2" (though 160lbs), size 11ish feet, etc... and occasionally (aka every few hours) lost in the throes of the "I'll never pass" self-pitying. I find myself constantly thinking, "this HAS to work..." because I know what the alternative will be if I can't transition effectively, either for medical reasons, lack of results, physical attributes being insurmountable, etc.

Whenever I read stories of how so many others find themselves passing so early and easily, even when they're not trying, it just tears me up inside. Sure, I'm happy for them... but at the same time it's like the train is leaving without me, and I'm not even sure I have a ticket. I'm becoming frantically impatient lately, now that I've done the truly difficult task in all this: accepted myself truly, without hesitation or qualifiers... and begun this journey.

But now that I have, everything is SO much worse, magnified, brought into contrast. Even though I KNOW I still look male and can't expect to be treated as anything but, every "sir" is like a knife into my chest... every "dude" or "mister" is terribly hurtful and insulting. Guy clothes feels like their wearing my heart down. My guy name doesn't even sound familiar anymore... the name of a dead ghost people keep annoyingly calling me.

I cannot exist in a social vaccuum. It's not enough. I, Kate, have done that for four decades, and I've had it. I need OUT. I need to live, finally, for the first time.

So I empathize with that author. This HAS to work. I can't see it ever happening, and yet... it has to.

Kate

[LynnER]

To those that think they will never pass....

I point out the multiple threads where you can find before and after pics of myself...  2 years ago and before I was a self pittying (continue the rant and personaly edited for content) sorry person...  I drank myself silly and did quite a few other things to well... jump into an early grave...

Its not impossable, there are options.... LOOKS ARNT EVERYTHING!!!

I know allot of GG's with cromagnon browridges... huge jaws... (One seriously has a J Lenno chin) Big feet, huge hands, beedy eyes... overly tall 6ft + some as tall as 6ft 5.....

If you cant look like the perfect woman WHO CARES!!  learn the traits and the voice (No thats not impossable either) and make sure you have a good fashion sence or find someone who does to teach you what to wear and makeup and all that....  Alittle bit of femininity goes a long way (reverse all this for FTM's)

Just remember, its not hopeless, there are hints and tricks, and ways to figure out EVERYTHING... "Im not jelous, maby alittle over zellous... you call me irisponsable but you know Im unstoppable!"

Please, look on the bright side and dont fall into the deep dark pit of self despair and worse...  Theres allways a way 

*Hugs*

******* Ambrosine

[cindianna_jones]

You know, I once crossed the Atlantic on a jet with the Women's USA basketball team. Not one of them could pass....

They were all over 6'4" and half of them had very strong features.  I say this not to denegrate them.  I pass it on because we have set false standards for what women should look like. These were all beautiful women. They were feminine without being foo foo and were a delight to talk to. One of my best TS friends has a partner that is 6'4" who has transitioned.  I can't ever recall her being concerned about her height or other masculine features.  She moved ahead.  She is teaching in a university and gets by just fine.  She's a happy and very likeable person.

I have been treated poorly and went through hell for my transition.  Very few have to deal with so much discrimination.  I dealt with it.  Don't look at my avatar and think I had it easy.  Ask anyone who knows me or has read the book.   

The bottom line is that everyone who I have ever met who has that drive... has been able to come to terms with it and conquer it.  Those that don't have it, don't. 

Here are the common gripes:

   I don't have money
   My family will never support me
   My church is against it
   I'll never pass
   I'll never get a job

Now, if you are letting any of these get in the way.  Fine.  Don't do the transition.  You'll probably be better off.  Really.

Chin up....
and all of that

Cindi

[Gill]

Hi

I like this post - great insight.  For many this is "dreaming the impossible dream".  But maybe the standards are too high.  For many GG's we strive for the perfect body (which for me will never happen), the perfect make up, the perfect look, all fueled by the fashion magazines.  When we get to the point this is me, just me and I like me then that is a great milestone.  Yeah there are ways to improve ourselves but we have to be realistic about the goals.  6'2 +, you're not the one an only girl who is 6'2 plus.  We survive short, fat, tall, whatever.  If we have the support of friends and/or family we can do anything.

Cindi's right don't let this list stop you.
   "I don't have money
   My family will never support me
   My church is against it
   I'll never pass
   I'll never get a job"

Gill

[Sheila]

Ricki,
  What a great story. I know myself I have fought that same question and finally came to my own truth. I have said in Susans how big I am or was and how I know I didn't pass very well and I feel that I still get read. When I went for my physical at the draft board I was 6 foot and 220. I looked like a football player. My shoulders are very wide and my chest is big, so big I do not fit under some medical machines. At that time I lifted weights and I had huge arms. Yes my head is big too. I was very strong and that is why no one messes with me. Well, like I have said before, when I took some pills to end my life, which I didn't want to crossover as yet, I told myself and a friend who knew what I was going through that I'm going to be female and I don't care what people think. I will be the ugliest girl on the planet earth and maybe the universe, but I will be female. I became that girl and I don't give a f**k what others say. I have flipped people off and just two weeks ago I had two guys attack me. I broke ones jaw and my fingernail. Then I cried as to why didn't I just let them beat me up or do what they were going to do. It wasn't very lady like to break ones jaw. I know what this person went through and I know first hand what people who just don't fit the discription go through. Oh just because you are GG and are 6 4 dont be fooled. They feel the same.
Sheila

[RebeccaFog]

.... I told myself and a friend who knew what I was going through that I'm going to be female and I don't care what people think. I will be the ugliest girl on the planet earth and maybe the universe, but I will be female. I became that girl and I don't give a f**k what others say.

  Yikes!!

  I'm glad you're okay, Sheila.
  The quoted part of your message hit me with renewed determination. In fact, I'm going to make "I will be the ugliest girl on the planet earth and maybe the universe, but I will be female." as my battle cry. I'm even thinking of making it my goal. I don't believe in ugly people, so once I hit the 'girl' zone, I will have won. After winning, there's no place to go but to get better.

  So far, this thread has been very important to me because it's been my biggest obsession for the last week or two. I really identify with Kate's post too.
   

Thank you again, Ricki, you never cease to amaze me.


signed,
Becky now and Becky forever!

[Sophie]

On the other size of the coin, I'm 5" 6' with size 5 feet...

A lot of people find it hard to pass, and Shiela's post said it all really.

It's better to be able to accept yourself as you are than change to get accepted by idiots.

[Hazumu]

I am my own worst critic, you are your own worst critic.

It's a fact of life.

I don't think I can pass.  But I've crossed over into the IDGAF stage, as in I don't care if I'm read/clocked.  If it bothers an individual and causes them to avoid me, so be it.  I doubt I wanted to talk to them, anyway.

Yesterday I was in Mervyns for my Christmas shopping.  My first stop was to extinguish the bladder light.  I wasn't about to go in the Mens...  My gift from me to me was a warm pair of black pants and a black and a red turtleneck.   It took two trips to the fitting rooms to get the size of the pants right.  I went to the 'Customer Service' (cashier) counter in the women's area and picked up the 15 gift cards I needed.  All three open slots had been blocked by customers who required a LOT of time to complete their purchases.  Another lady arrived and we conspired to build a single next-available-cashier line (one other person snuck around us, and I let her have her little victory...), and then we talked about how customer service had gone downhill from our youth.  She let me take the first teller to open up, and she was rewarded with another immediately opening up.  I asked the cashier if they had any authority to deal with an out-of-the-ordinary situation and she said no (she'd overheard our previous conversation.)

During this whole interaction, was I read?  Oh, probably.  In the Ladies' room, was I read?  Oh, probably.  Was I challenged or otherwise inconvenienced?  No.

And then there are the comments in the support groups other T-girls make to me that my face has good bone structure (no neanderthal-like brow ridge,)  Or another comment from Ginny to another girl, "Look!  Karen's worried she'll never pass!"  Then to me, "You'll do just fine, hon!"

Or Cindi's recent comment:

I don't think I have mentioned this before or not, but Karen is total stealth in public.  Yea... she's a babe.  She has a very happy body language and an inviting smile. Everything clicks for her and she doesn't even try.

Truth is, I do try -- hard.  Every day I practice the techniques I gleaned from "Creating a Feminine Carriage" by Elaine Sagant.  I observe ordinary women doing ordinary things, and try to emulate their unconscious carriage.  I take dance classes (you should see the pelvis isolation exercises we do to warm up! > )

I still get sirred (Damn!)

But it doesn't stop me.  And right now I get ma'amed about as often as sirred.  And it will get better.  I just know it.

Karen

P.S., next Christmas present from me to me will be one-on-one voice training with a voice therapist experienced in MtF TG 

[Jillieann Rose]

Ricki this is a great posting.
Fear is the problem here. I know fear all too well It has made my life a living hell at times.
I have been changed, conformed, inside and out by fear. The way I dress what I allow myself to do and think.
Fear of what other will think; fear of hurting someone; fear of being alone; fear of being punished; fear of being rejected; fear of losing family; fear of going forward; fear of living and fear of dieing.

I (we) allow fear to rule over us and often destroy us.
I for one have decided to rebel against fear and to no longer bow to it.
I am right now declaring independence.
It will be worth it no mater what the cost.
And I have no doubt that there is a cost. And it will not be easy.
So December 25, 2006 is Independence Day for me from slavery of fear.
Is anyone with me?
If not I will go it alone.
Because I will not allow fear to rule over me again.
Jillieann and JR

 

[tinkerbell]

Is anyone with me?

You know I'm always with you!   

tinkerbell

[cindianna_jones]

Once you have conquered fear, you are free.  Fear creates the greatest enslaver.

Cindi

[HelenW]

Count me in, Jillieann/JR!

A member who doesn't post here anymore used this as her signature, a quote from Frank Herbert's DUNE, "Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear and let it pass through me."  I always like reading this signature as well as her posts and you post reminded me of her.

I like to think that fear is not something that can be resisted but which must be allowed to flow through without allowing it to gain power over me.  If I let it keep going, without trying to stop it by resisting it, it won't get stuck and I can go ahead in spite of it.

I hope this makes at least a little bit of sense.

hugs & smiles
helen

[Ricki]

Well first off thank you all very much. And i mean that sincerely.
As most know I am female internally just male on the outside, i barely even tinkered (get it tink-tinkered..?! ) with hormones in my early 20's i do not even think three weeks or so not long enough to do anything, i got cold feet .....was not sure that was what i was ready for back then?
Wow how time flies.. 17 years later i am still undecided about a transition.  I mean internally i will always identify female that is not a negotiable thing and i have fine tuned some of that internal female i just have not brought enough out yet to balance what male characteristics i have (this was some of the non-transitioning counselling i was going through finding some kind of zone or comfort level??).. Like i think i said in one post I'll end up being an enfeminite male or be thought of as "gender queer" (hmm I think that is the first time i typed that word in my life? Hmm not even sure of it's exact meaning?  My brains are soup!- ) or gay perhaps this actually i am growing into and not really caring.. This may help me if there is the next step then (the transition word if ever???) .....i may have conquered some of the initial issues ahead of time?
You guys all made such sense in your replies and posts i am overwhelmed
Beck, and to all believe me when i say my ultimate desperate goal would have been to be born exactly right? (hmm i think we are all in common on that one huh?) but since it is not so i am just soo crazy about wanting everything perfect and not knowing how that would be... well.. I am stuck in the middle somewhere!
I could never say enough good things about you girls that transitioned or that actively are transitioning.... whatever the phase IV or rojer dodger kilroy codec it is on the gender premium scale!!!-sorry- Wiggy tonight  (just made this successful batch of italian alphabet soup)..
Anyway I admire.. i love.. I show my private jealousy.. For all of you guys first step or final brow lift whatever the case is.  In the end for now i know and full well understand some of the boundaries i have for right now.. nothing stays the same so that could change, I could...
I want to dig around a bit more i think in that QA session there was one other very similiar question or post if you kind folks will entertain the reading again!  It was lengthy but i thought very well put, the answers i mean.
The gentlemans / ladies question i guess is a foremost question on a lot of our minds.... Not all i al think...I do see and understand some ladies have petit frames, soft voices, less hair, small shoulders.. Poor girls trying to get into the male gender? Ugghh the opposite issue!  some of you folks abviously never minded the physical issues and pushed on and i am proud of each and every one that did and does....
In the mean time i consider the option always but am always looking out for other options as well.
Thanks again!-huge hug!!!
luv
Ricki

[Ricki]

Okay I'll paste this bit if there is any interest, I'd like to see your replies..
Visitor questioning underlined, relpy in ital...
The issue that is pestering me, really, is my genitalia. I don't really have enough of a problem with them to justify taking steps to SRS. I want my body to be as female as possible, so I can live as the woman I know I am inside, but I have come to grips with the fact that I have these certain things between my legs. I have been told, by some transsexuals running an IRC support group, that becuase of this thought, this one single thought, that I am NOT a transsexual, and couldn't possibly be a woman inside, becuase if I were, I would be disgusted by my genitalia.  Is it possible to be a transsexual and just cope with life without SRS? I don't really mind what's attatched to me between my legs, I mean, I'm only attracted to females, so I presume it could still be useful. (no joke intended) Does this mean I'm coping, or that I'm not the real thing? I do want to go on hormones to feminize my body as much as possible, but isn't my "physical sex" really just between me and my partner? All I want to know is what you think. I trust your opinions becuase I feel you truly try to help.

You are exactly what you define yourself to be. Nothing less, nothing more. I have no problem with a person who wants to identify as being female and having anomalous genitals. In short, yes it is perfectly possible, and perfectly fine to be a transsexual and not have surgery, and to not be utterly disgusted with your genitals.

Being transsexual is about identity: gender identity. Gender is what is in the brain, not what is between the legs. Gender is about what a person knows themselves to be, and not about what they look like, or how they choose to arrange their body configuration. However, that said, you should be aware that there are consequences to any situation that falls outside expected averages, even the averages that apply to the utterly extraordinary.

While I would consider you to be female if you considered yourself to be female (and if I personally felt in my emotions and 'heart' that you were female in meeting you) regardless of your body situation, there are many in the world, perhaps most, that may not be so capable. Some narrow people, including some narrow transsexuals too (for ultimately, people are people whatever their circumstances), might well give you trouble, deny your identity, claim you are not 'really' a Full Blooded Transsexual, or a 'real' woman, call you names, and not let you play in any reindeer games if you do not have the expected, politically correct, surgery. My personal suggestion to such individuals, should you encounter them, is to answer back with a most polite and civilized 'Up Yours'.

Surgery does not make a transsexual. Transsexuality is a problem of gender affecting brain (and to a lesser degree, body) development. It is true that overwhelmingly -most- true transsexuals would find surgery a great benefit and even a life-saving relief from suffering...but not all. There are some transsexuals who are indifferent to their sexual organs altogether. Human beings have varying degrees of body consciousness, and the conflict between the body, and the neurological map of the body within the brain varies greatly. Because transsexuality is an error of prenatal development, it is not exact...some of the elements that define the condition may be present, partly present, or even absent. Like all things, it must be defined as the sum of its components, not by any one component part. Your described situation does not exclude you from being a transsexual, but it is rather fairly unusual for a transsexual overall.

Some might define you as being a 'She-Male', and while technically accurate, in being a female with male sex organs, I maintain that if your internal gender identity is female, then you are female. Again, it is the brain that counts. Socially, however, what counts is not what you think, but how you are perceived.

The social ramifications of living as a woman, but retaining male organs are no different than for any ordinary woman: so long as you cannot be detected as being unusual. One problem with retaining male organs is that they produce male hormones, which, inexorably, over time, masculinize the body in great, or small, ways. Eventually, no matter how well you pass now, you will fail one day, and become a freak to most of society, with all of the unhappy ramifications -such as poverty and exclusion- that come with such a label, unless something is done. You could go on hormones, or be castrated and go on hormones. In any event, to avoid being ghettoized as a social pariah, hormones are a vital, vital tool. That, or give up and live as a man. Something must be done, or you will lose any hope of generalized acceptance, sooner or later.

Hormones do have ramifications, including the reality that they can alter or diminish your sex drive. They also obviously change the body, developing breasts, changing the skin and even the smell of your body. They can make erections impossible, or rare. However, they can ensure -especially at your age- the best possible chance of having a life that is both successful and relatively nonviolent: in other words, avoiding being beaten or killed for being a perceived aberration within our fairly insane society.

One last issue is the problem of medical, social, and rescue-related care, sometimes people in dire situations, if their true genital status is discovered (by accident or in the course of treatment), can suffer for that deviation from the norm. They can be left to die, fail to receive proper help, or be otherwise mistreated or abandoned. In some cases they can be harmed or killed outright. This risk would be -even more- extreme if you were to live outside of an advanced industrial nation such as America or Canada, so adjust accordingly.

However, in normal, day to day life, no one knows what is in your pants, or under your skirt, and so life should be normal, as long as you maintain passability. I describe these issues because they are real issues, and will affect the life of any person who lives as one sex, yet possesses the genitals of another. Gender issues are very real too, and ultimately, you have to live the life you are most comfortable with. Balance choices according to your needs, and ultimately, take charge of defining yourself.

So, in conclusion:

You are the gender YOU determine yourself to be. Period.

Other people may, or may not agree with you, however. Those that define you by narrow rules are not worth your time. However, your overall presentation to the world does change the way you are treated. How you are treated has ramifications, some of them quite dire. You must make choices that meet your personal needs, both for identity, and for future survival. Existence is a compromise between identity and survival. Determine what you want and what you need, and what you can live with, and make it happen. 
Sorry it did not seem this long, hehe...
Ricki