I am writing this letter to express to you all what has been impossible for me to tell the people I love. I will start at the beginning to give you some background about me. My name is Paula, I am a 44 year old biological male. I am not gay, not a queen just a regular looking/acting male. I have, ever since I can remember longed to be female. When I was young and even as recently as 4 years ago I would try to suppress these feeling as I thought they were crazy. I grew up the middle child to two sisters. I can remember was when I was 4 or 5 playing dress up with my older sister , she would dress me in her dresses and we would play house. My mother very much disapproved of this and made it very clear I was not to do it. The thing was it just felt so right so natural, I felt so centered at least that's how I remember it. I do not remember much until I was older, 10 or so. My dad always wanted me to play football so I did. I did not care much for it but played because I was expected to and I was quite athletic. My younger sister was a cheerleader for our team. I can distinctly remember looking over to her during a game and thinking, I wish I could be there with her and her friends. When I was alone in the house I would wear her cheerleading outfit and wish I could be her. At every opportunity I would wear my mother's cloths and would obsess about being female... wishing with all my heart I would get penis cancer or something so they would have to remove it. I really dislike my penis it's ugly and inconvenient. When I was young other boys made fun of me because I was un-circumcised. I'm not sure if this is the root of my hatred for my penis or not but I am well over the ridicule now and it is of no consequence.. children can be so mean. I do still however hate my penis. When I was about 13, I found myself stealing my mothers birth control pills, I'm sure they did not do much, but again I would get this warm centered feeling I really liked. When I turned 17 I left HS and got a GED. Jobs were scarce and I ended up joining the Air Force of all things, I suppose I was trying to prove I was a man. I went through boot camp uneventfully... I have a way of staying under the radar. As you can imagine this is and was a very male dominated profession especially in the 1980. I was forced to fit in "Fly under the radar" and really put my feelings in a lock tight box! I decided well I guess I'm just stuck with who I am I'll just have to make the best of it... in the early 80's who ever really heard of SRS. Anyway, I meet a wonderful girl and we fell in love and were married. Over the next 18 years I basically limited my obsession to daydreaming... sometimes 30 times a day sometimes never?? I would hide this, I thought awful, crazy feeling down as deep as I could, no way would anyone be able to tell. Most of the time I was fine I would go weeks with no problem, then I might see a women with a baby and I would get this empty awful feeling inside. I wanted to be pregnant so bad to feel that incredible joy of carrying a life. It was just not going to happen for me. I really had these feelings of motherhood when all three of my sons were born. I retired from the military. It did not take but a few weeks to start getting those strong female urges again. I wanted to be a female but again I was totally torn. I mean -- I have a family. I started ordering estrogen over the web and have been taking it on and off for over 2 years. I feel so contented when I am on them. One interesting thing. It's funny in a way even with all that I have felt through out my life I feel really quite well adjusted. I don't feel crazy or abnormal in anyway. I'm not even sure any counseling is in order. I really know who I am. I am this incredible loving sweet person with very deep internal feminine feelings. I can't watch Doctor Phil in case he has some family reunion or I will break out crying. If I watch sad movies I will cry. I have this inner softness and empathy I can't really explain it's just there like a soft pillow. I just wish my outside appearance represented my inner being. I guess I have just been rambling, anyway. Just a few more points. I love my wife very much and will stay with her forever. She is my rock in a lot of ways. If we did not have children I would definitely tell her who I am... the children especially three boys complicates thing immensely. I would do nothing to harm them. I would be scared to scar or damage them in any way, much as a mother would not. Thanks for providing this forum allowing me to express who I really am. Any advice appreciated!
