I'm bitter and angry and this is why...

[Ashleyjadeism]

Hi, I'm Ashley...

I'm young and transgender. I'm a bitter, angry person, who's been hurt alot and I feel the need to say why...

I have an f***ed up family situation. My dad died when I was 14, two days after christmas... The last time I saw him, he was barely breathing, on oxygen, and had already prepared to die.

My mom, is interesting to say least... Some days I feel like she supports me, other I feel like she hates me. She has a worn out hip, that I honestly think she uses to get her way. Sometimes she flips out and yells at me for no reason and recently threatened to give away my dog!!! However, most of the time we get along...

I have two brothers, one of which lives with us and the other lives with my grandma. The one that lives with me, hates me for who I am. He is not remotely accepting of transgenders and tells me so on a regular basis. He purposly reminds me that I am not a girl, and calls me "da man!" in public just to see me squirm.

My brother who lives with my grandma, is in his 30's and is equally as bigoted... He once thought I was gay, and just about had a panic attack!! I'm afraid to tell him I'm trsnsgender and probably wont for a long time.

I have two sisters. One of them, is really accepting of me and is totally awesome!! She's really lazy though and has horrible depression problems. I hardly ever see her because she wont get out of bed.

The other "sister" is a jerk and I hate her. She is currently on probation for selling oxycotin and meth... I wrote her a concerned letter telling her I loved her and was worried for her, and she sent back, F*** you... That's all I can quote because the rest was too vulgar...

My grandma, is a train with legs!! She just keeps goin!! She'll probably be present at her own funeral, and will have cooked all the food too. I will hopefully never have to tell her I'm transgender, because she is 83 and has on many occasions stated her disgust for transgenders and homosexuals.

And if all the stress in the family wasn't enough, now we have to take in an old friend of mine from florida!! His uncle is kicking him out because he turned 18 and has nowhere to go...  I'm having to give up a room for him, and to make it worse he thinks I'm hot, which is creepy because I'm not interested in him AT ALL!!

And now... My personal info...

I go through horrible spells of depression because I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I'm somewhat of an outcast at school, and people tend to hate me for no reason. Random kids at school will walk up and punch me and call me a ->-bleeped-<-!! I'm not even open about all this!!

I cut myself every few weeks, have popped pills from the medicine cabinet, and huffed to cope with the pain I have inside... I cant express myself, because we live in a rural small country town and I would be beat up and teased.

The only good thing I have in life is my dog and my love of 3d animation. School sucks, family sucks, life basically sucks...

So yeah, that's essentially me... A depressed and angry loser...

[emma shore]

Reading your story is almost ike looking into a slightly foggy mirror for me, i understand the pain you are going through as i  only a couple years older than you, the anger and pain you feel saddens me, we as pwople should not have to go through this, you esspesialy. but what is also good to know is that you have come to terms with yourself, you may not understand but being "out" now will help you in the long run. Right now at the holidays it can be the hardest but your familys acceptence is what you seek, my sister abby was the only one who actually got me at first, and for you to have someone who gets you is what you really should vaue most right now, i can advise you to remaine open to those around you and eventually you will be known for what you want to. your family can not resent the one who suffers the most, so keep pushing and relax, becuase you are aloud to have these emotions, i hope that i gave you sound advice becuase if there is anything in the world you could see yourself seeking, moreover advice the people here will always be happy to provide.

[annette]

Hi Ashley

Wooow, since I've read your story, gosh, it makes me  silent, I really don't know what to say.
Beside, don't cut yourselve and leave the pills where they are, because it sounds like selfhate to me.
don't hate yourselve, others will do that for you.
you can't change those people coz they are what they are, the only thing you can change is how to handle with it.
try to survive. in less than 2 years you'll be 18 and you can go where ever you want.
in the mean time, finish school, find a job and you will be independed and able to live your own life.
hang on girl and please don't harm yourselve.

lots of hugs for a brave girl
annette

[AlexCallende]

Hi, I'm Ashley...

I'm young and transgender. I'm a bitter, angry person, who's been hurt alot and I feel the need to say why...

I have an f***ed up family situation. My dad died when I was 14, two days after christmas... The last time I saw him, he was barely breathing, on oxygen, and had already prepared to die.

My mom, is interesting to say least... Some days I feel like she supports me, other I feel like she hates me. She has a worn out hip, that I honestly think she uses to get her way. Sometimes she flips out and yells at me for no reason and recently threatened to give away my dog!!! However, most of the time we get along...

I have two brothers, one of which lives with us and the other lives with my grandma. The one that lives with me, hates me for who I am. He is not remotely accepting of transgenders and tells me so on a regular basis. He purposly reminds me that I am not a girl, and calls me "da man!" in public just to see me squirm.

My brother who lives with my grandma, is in his 30's and is equally as bigoted... He once thought I was gay, and just about had a panic attack!! I'm afraid to tell him I'm trsnsgender and probably wont for a long time.

I have two sisters. One of them, is really accepting of me and is totally awesome!! She's really lazy though and has horrible depression problems. I hardly ever see her because she wont get out of bed.

The other "sister" is a jerk and I hate her. She is currently on probation for selling oxycotin and meth... I wrote her a concerned letter telling her I loved her and was worried for her, and she sent back, F*** you... That's all I can quote because the rest was too vulgar...

My grandma, is a train with legs!! She just keeps goin!! She'll probably be present at her own funeral, and will have cooked all the food too. I will hopefully never have to tell her I'm transgender, because she is 83 and has on many occasions stated her disgust for transgenders and homosexuals.

And if all the stress in the family wasn't enough, now we have to take in an old friend of mine from florida!! His uncle is kicking him out because he turned 18 and has nowhere to go...  I'm having to give up a room for him, and to make it worse he thinks I'm hot, which is creepy because I'm not interested in him AT ALL!!

And now... My personal info...

I go through horrible spells of depression because I'm not good at expressing my feelings. I'm somewhat of an outcast at school, and people tend to hate me for no reason. Random kids at school will walk up and punch me and call me a ->-bleeped-<-!! I'm not even open about all this!!

I cut myself every few weeks, have popped pills from the medicine cabinet, and huffed to cope with the pain I have inside... I cant express myself, because we live in a rural small country town and I would be beat up and teased.

The only good thing I have in life is my dog and my love of 3d animation. School sucks, family sucks, life basically sucks...

So yeah, that's essentially me... A depressed and angry loser...

Ashley,

I know its hard.  Trust me, a lot of us have been there.  But where I am now is good.  It really is...

But before I sound like a super insensitive b*tch who is too caught up in her world, let me tell you first that it wasn't easy.  And I speak for many brothers and sisters here that life is can be a real challenge.

Ashley, I just want you to know that there so many of us out here to listen to you.  And give some advice every now and then.  Baby girl, you need to know that there's a world out there that's just waiting to love you.  And believe you me, you are gonna like it.

Now, how are we gonna do this?  First, we need you alive.  You're no good to us dead, and neither are you good to yourself dead, sweet thang.  And have a goal.  What do you want to be?  Where do you see yourself 5, 10 years from now as a successful transgender woman?

Remember, most of our happy and successful brothers and sisters did not just focus only on transitioning.  It's a process, and while it takes time, just remember how lucky your generation is right now.  Twenty years ago, transitioning men and women didn't have the internet.  Some had to keep their struggles to themselves.  Focus on the positive, Dear.  Know that you are loved.

Stay in school.  And try to communicate your feelings with your "nice" sister more.  We might be hitting two birds with one stone here.  And even though its not your job, but try to understand your Mom.  She's also probably going through some tough times herself.  Maybe she's feeling down since your Dad passed away...

One day, you'll be able to live your life the way you want to.  And you'd look back to this and realize and understand that our experiences in life give us character and make us better persons.

Trust me, things will improve.  It's not going to happen overnight, but if you keep holding on and never let go, the destination will be worth every sec of it.

Now cheer up and relish the fact that your friend thinks your hot.  And don't worry, when it comes to accolades, it's not always the quality but sometimes the quantity.  One down, many more to go, girl!

Cheers,
Alex

[Devereaux]

Welcome, from a friend!

If you think about it, for every single person in your life that would judge you harshly, there's about fifty more here that accepts you for who you are and understands the struggles you're going through.

Keep your chin up, hun. No one else in the world has the right to judge you for choices you've made. Just as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Keeping your ->-bleeped-<- a secret from your peers at school might be a good thing, if they're as close-minded as the people I've met in my part of the world.

Alex is right, too. Set a goal for yourself. Strive to achieve the greatness all of us know you're capable of.  Don't cut yourself, what good will that do? Those just lead to far more painful questions, places, and memories. You're strong, we can all see that. The fact that you were brave enough to tell all of us here shows it. Taking pills? It kills your senses. Makes you slow, sluggish.. Not something a young woman needs in this world.

Never forget that there are people who love you, even in your family. It just takes time, patience, and understanding. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say we wish you all the very best.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Ashley,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4700 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

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It is hard when you have no one to support you.  Family, friends or school don't have your back.  It is not fun.  But stay true to yourself and when you can leave.  Go off to college, or out on your own.  Then you can become the real you.  It took me till I was 54 to get to a place where I could.  Most because I let others tell me I could not.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[Miniar]

I'm not gonna tell ya to cheer up.
Life's a mess and you're allowed to be angry and sad about it, just try and take a minute to breathe and relax a little and refuse to let all the downs and the anger and the sadness control you. Try and learn to be in control of yourself even if upset, cause a cool head like that is a skill that'll save your life a number of times down the line, take it from me, I had to learn it the hard way.
I'm not saying suppress your emotions, just to be clear. Just don't let your emotions suppress "you" either.

Secondly, I'd suggest not calling your sister lazy.
Depression can suck the very life out of you and so she may not get out of bed, not because she's lazy, but because she's exhausted and because it feels so utterly and completely pointless to actually try and do "anything" that the thought alone is utterly exhausting.
Doesn't "excuse" her, but some days it may just be too much. Might be worth the while to invade her space and just hang out a little bit, without any pushing to "cheer up" or anything, just hanging out.
If she's a good source of support to you then being a little supportive of her might make life easier on both of you.

Oh, and welcome.
If you keep grinding away at it, life eventually gives in and lets you live a little.
It may seem like an overwhelming task at the start, but just focus on the next step, the "next" place you want to get to.
Rack up enough itty bitty little victories and you'll eventually win the whole war.

*hug*

[Ashleyjadeism]

Lol, my sister is definatly lazy... She admits that she is.

[tekla]

In a movie absolutely packed with simply awesome quotes, (Animal House) one stands out though all time: Son, drunk, fat and stupid is no way to go through life.

Bitter and angery is even worse than drunk, fat and stupid.

All of that is within your control.  Look at my siggy line.  The ghost of Marley was not lying.  You forge those chains, you carry them too.  Let it go, get on with it, go your own way.

[Miniar]

I call myself lazy far too often and I've got dysphoria (chronic depression) and fibromyalgia (chronic pain and fatigue).
I guilt trip myself a little for being "weak" like that.

[Ashleyjadeism]

tekla... You deserve an award lol!! You just used Jacob Marley and Animal House in the same context to describe how life works... FTW!!!

[tekla]

You deserve an award lol!
Well that's a novel thought, mostly I collect smites and warnings, if they mailed them to me I could wallpaper my office in them.

You just used Jacob Marley and Animal House in the same context
Well I was awarded my Phi Kappa Phi for my paper on the Seven Deadly Sins as they apply in a technological world so desperate comparisons are not unusual.