On the edge of my sanity

[MRH]

Ive spoken about this a few times now but its getting to the point where a decision needs to be made.
Ive had the roughest few days with my partner. He has been very supportive about my desire to be male. He has helped me to bind my chest, refered to me as "he" in front of certain people and has been happy to share his clothes with me. He has made it clear he is not gay though and has tried to watch transsexual porn to try get used to the idea of what sex would be like if I transistioned but he was unable to get aroused by it. He also doesnt like how complicated it would be to have a child and finds the idea of putting my egg and his sperm into someone else unnatural. I always knew the decision between him or my gender would come along but I pushed it away until I had to face it last night. He said that if I wanted to be male we would need to end things now because the longer we left it the harder it would be. I know most people would think its better to choose gender over him as there are plenty more people out there. I would agree except when it comes to us I dont think there is anyone else. We're both anti-social people.  We prefer to stay in than go out. I dont like going out because I have a lot of social phobias and he just doesnt like going out. Now youre probably thinking we should try and get out more but it works for us and we are very happy that way. If we were to split it would be incredibly hard to find someone else. We've been together for nearly 3 years and i've become a better person whilst ive been with him.
If I were to stay female to be with him I think my social phobias might increase. I also wouldnt be able to get married in a dress and theres no chance in hell im ever getting pregnant and giving birth which is something he really wants. Its getting too hard to choose because either way im gonna lose something incredibly important to me. Im feeling more and more suicidal and I have no idea what to do with myself

[N.Chaos]

I wish I could say something that would help, or some kind of epic advice that would make all this make sense.
Unfortunately, all I can tell you is that I'm in almost the same exact situation, only I'm dating a girl. A girl who's pretty sure she's a lesbian, and could possibly be asexual. So we're both all sorts of confused and terrified and generally screwed up.

If you guys split, is there any way you could at least stay close friends, or would that be too painful? I hope someone else who's wiser or at least better with words than me responds to this, and I seriously hope whichever option you go with works out for you. It's a miserable place to be in, and I'd only wish it on the worst.

[Rosa]

It seems like there is probably no perfect decision that will be without some pain or loss - you just have to follow your heart and make the best decision that you can.  Remember though, hurting yourself would also hurt your partner greatly.  May you find peace with which ever decision you make. 

[tekla]

Wanting/Not Wanting kids is a make or break in most relationships, there is no compromise.

[spacial]

MRH.

Just a thought. Can you accept partial transision? You may need advice of the drug therapy that tends to go with it to ensure it won't make you permanently sterile.

The down side of that is that you may feel some pressure to have children too early

[Naari]

Hi MRH. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I do hope that you and your partner can arrive at some sort of peace. N.Chaos posted something that I was also feeling as I read your post. That is the possibility of remaining friends if you do decide to change the dynamics of the relationship. If you could somehow remain very close friends, in terms of love and support, then it might be possible for both of you to reach some sort of middle ground over time. I do not say this without realizing that it could be difficult to attain. I know many times we tend to fall out of touch with a partner after a major shift in the relationship. But not always. Considering that you both love each other, I feel it would at least be worth trying. It might also give you both a bit of space to consider the whole situation without being pressured so to speak. I wish I had more advice to give you. I sincerely hope that you both arrive at a comfortable, loving, and peaceful place.