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Dealing with feelings of "being selfish"

Started by Katelyn, January 05, 2011, 01:23:20 AM

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Katelyn

I am generally not a person that believes that I should come above others, It's really hard for me to and if others get hurt because of me putting my interests above theirs, I feel really guilty and its hard on me. 

So naturally I have these feelings that I'm being selfish if I transition and I "kill my parent's son" and I "kill my dad's family's firstborn son" and I "disappointed my parents and their families" and I "could have helped my mom out if I lived with her and help pay for expenses in order to help her get on her feet" and I "could have helped so many people because of the big organizations that I could have made if I were to have stayed as a male due to my aggressively driven male persona and potential ability to make connections with a lot of people in power" since I graduated in business.

What stopped me from going forward in transitioning 3 years ago was my mom's suggesting that she may commit suicide, which was hard on me and that I couldn't bear being responsible for her death (since then, she's seem less serious,  about her threat, but I still feel bad because despite her intolerance of my wishes, that she's the one person I can trust most in my life and rely on (due to disappointments I had with close friends before.))  I dunno, it's hard for me to "be selfish" and deal with feelings of guilt (since I have strong feelings of caring about others, even strangers) and I don't know how to deal with these feelings.

Also, know that I'm half chinese and half spanish, in both cultures the family is important (in Chinese, the honor of the family is important, and there is a strong collectivist nature, and with Spanish, people in the family help each other, and in both, the children do not abandon their parents.)  I see hispanic families for instance where even the older children live with their parents and help their parents, and it only makes me feel more guilt of feeling like I'm being selfish. 
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michelle.ch

I think there are two different issues there, one is about being who you want to be, and the other is about feeling like you abandoned your parents. You can do one without necessarily doing the other. But I don't think you should ever feel selfish for wanting to be who you are, it's not as if you can just switch it off when you feel like it.

Isn't it a bit of selfishness on your parents' part that they don't want to have to tell other people, because they are worried about how it might affect their own reputations?

For the second issue, I don't think there's any need to feel guilty about it because you're not really wanting to abandon them anyway, they might be making you feel like you are, but it's actually just their lack of acceptance of who you are that is verbalised in terms of abandonment. I'm guessing you didn't come up with the idea that you were abandoning them yourself. It sounds more like something hurtful that a parent would say because he or she is upset and doesn't want something to happen. 

About the cultural differences, sometimes I think the people in big Chinese cities are actually more open to ->-bleeped-<- in many western cities. There are Chinese sites with tens of thousands of members just like Susan's Place, and ->-bleeped-<- is as acceptable in China now as it is in the English-speaking world. The regime in China can ban anything it doesn't like from the internet but they don't seem to take offence at transgendered issues as long as there is no pornography in the sites. I don't know about the dynamics within families though. I'd like to find out.
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Miss_Anthropic

I hadn't read this before I responded in your other thread, but my response wouldn't change a bit after reading this. I'll quote for others so they don't have to bounce between threads:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,90234.msg652381.html#new

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on January 05, 2011, 03:51:40 PM
If you had asked me in 2005 when I stopped my previous transition attempt, those are exactly the same reasons I would have given.

I felt soo guilty, like I owed everyone in my life something, and that if I did transition I would only be letting them down more than I had already been. In the 5 years since, Ive realized over that time, nothing in life has improved for anyone by me staying male, if anything, because I've been absolutely miserable, it's either alienated those who do care about me, or hasn't changed any relationships at all, except for the one I have with myself.

You need to sit down and have a hard look at who you are, figure out if you need this and go from there. Can you take another 5, 10 years of feeling like you do now? I can tell you from experience that time will not make it go away, I have the same feelings inside that I had when I decided to transition the first time, except now I've lost 5 good years of what could have been *my* life.

In the end, it's all up to you. If the guilt that others have put on you is the only thing holding you back, you have to find a way to work thru that or you'll remain miserable.

I feel for you as I've been in the exact place, but I'm living proff that you can get thru it. I still have my bad days, but they're not daily like they used to be. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

As for the health insurance, that can be worked around; I don't make much money or have health insurance, but I refuse to let that hold me back.

~Sara :)
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VeryGnawty

I feel selfish all the time.  I can't really help it.  I spent over half my life in an unending and unwanted roleplaying reality.  It's only becoming bearable now because it is slowly coming to an end.

Frankly, I'm tired of playing stupid games.  I don't care if I'm selfish.  I would rather be selfish and female, than male and selfless.  It really comes down to that.  If I wanted to appease others, I would not be here, and I would not be doing what I am doing now.
"The cake is a lie."
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Jillieann Rose

Here are my words from another posting.
QuoteI to have wrestled with the selfishness thing allot and still do.
On the other-side I have said and believe that I would die for my family.
The problem is I almost did. 
And now that I am doing things to survive should I feel guilty?
I do keep playing the what ifs.
What if what I effects my grandchildren in a negative way?
I do not want to hurt them nor do I want to hurt my spouse or my children.
These are things I have to wrestle with.
Many of us have tried to fight (ourselves) GID and it just doesn't work.
So we doing what can be called <B>self preservation</B>.
The term <i>self preservation in its simplest definition describes both the set of behaviors by means of which individuals attempt to preserve their own existence and the psychical processes that establish these behaviors.
It is a basic instinct that we have.
So what we are doing is literally fighting for our survival.
And I am here to help you Simone, Colleen and other, here a Susan's survive and more.
I have been greatly help myself from my family at Susan's.
If you would like to read the rest of the posting in Starting over! Speaking out! where this one came from you can find it here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,88542.msg649254.html#msg649254
But only a small section is about being selfish.
Jillieann
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VeryGnawty

I agree with Jill.  I wrestled most my life with my GID to understand it for what it was.  Once I understood it, I wrestled with it to defeat it.  Once I lost to it, I finally had to admit that I could not wrestle anymore.  After that admission, every day of pretending to be male has been a drain on my mind and my sanity.

To me, it is a matter of selfishness or death.  Pretending to be male for another 60 years is simply not an option.  Even another couple of years would be stretching it.  Hopefully that won't be necessary, as I'm working on some techniques to try to change the body.

It may seem like selfishness.  But when backed into a corner and full of madness, you can believe me that it will seem like the only option.  Call it what you want.  Everyone is selfish anyway, they just won't admit it.  Selfishness gets a bad rap.  You should read the article "In Defense of Lust" (sorry, I don't remember the author's name)
"The cake is a lie."
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aubrey

If you have a medical condition that needs attended to and you go and get help for it is that selfish? But your family loves you! Why are you getting help we like you when you're miserable!

I'm sorry but threatening suicide to get someone to do what you want them to is possibly one of the most selfish guilt trips a person could give. Using your love against you.
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Janet_Girl

I spent most of my life being what other thought I should be and I was miserable.  And they knew it because I was an a$$.

So now I am taking care of me.  Am I selfish?  In the eyes of those who thought I should take care of them, Yes I am.   And do I care?  Hell NO.  I spent the better part of MY life taking care of them.  And when I asked for a little help and support, they turn their back on me.  So HELL YES I am selfish.  And They can just bugger off.
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lilacwoman

Quote from: mija on January 05, 2011, 11:35:29 PM
If you have a medical condition that needs attended to and you go and get help for it is that selfish? But your family loves you! Why are you getting help we like you when you're miserable!

Precisely!   TSism is a medical condition recognised around the world with a specific set of treatments that provide a cure.
What people like Katelyn need to do is top acting like a furtive crossdresser off a telly comedy show and present everyone with the evidence of the person that will exist after transition.
Start the therapy and present the family with evidence of a medical condition not just of a perversion.
Tell them therapy has started and show them prescriptions for hormones and wear the latest purchases and ask their opinions on styles and colours.
Crossdresser chatrooms are full of accounts of families forcing CDs out or banning CDing in the family home.
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Katelyn

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VeryGnawty

"The cake is a lie."
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Fancyrabbit

#11
..
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Kairi

Quote from: Katelyn on January 05, 2011, 01:23:20 AM
Also, know that I'm half chinese and half spanish, in both cultures the family is important (in Chinese, the honor of the family is important, and there is a strong collectivist nature...

I hear you and I second that statement. I am Chinese myself and I couldn't bring myself to come out to any of my family members due to the high morals and expectation of childrens and their families. In fact, most of my counselling sessions was spent talking about the Chinese culture/tradition and expectations and why everything seemed so difficult for me. I don't know which side of your parent is the Chinese side, but both of mine are and I am the only "male" child. I am suppose to lead on the family lineage so to break the news that I want to change my gender will generate chaos up and down the family. If anything bad happens to any of my family members because of my action I will most likely to feel guilty of my "selfish" action too.

Quote from: michelle.ch on January 05, 2011, 05:17:59 AM
About the cultural differences, sometimes I think the people in big Chinese cities are actually more open to ->-bleeped-<- in many western cities.

That will depend on where you are. Using Hong Kong as an example, this statement will be false. Hong Kong is probably the most Westernised city in China, having being ruled by the British Coloney for 100 years, but their attitude towards LGBT is still quite conservative due to once again, traditions!!! None of the universities there have a LGBT society and generally the attitude is that one don't say they are gay or transgendered. I remember seeing the news on Chinese TV some time ago about how a MtF was refused marriage to a male because she could not change her birth certificate so she was still legally male. Her appeal also failed. Contrary in Mainland China, one can change their birth certificate and can get married with no problem. It is ironic to see how a even nore modern City of Hong Kong is more backward with LGBT issues than Mainland China, which is still much of a developing country.
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Chantal185

Ultimately you have to do what you have to do. If you are going to spend the rest of your life in denial and hiding from the world transitioning is definately your best option since it will allow you to function. It is so hard however to have everyone in your life trying to stop you, or convince you that you are male. However one day you will be much older. Do you want to look back on your life and see that your last dying thoughts were "I wish I would have transitioned, or at least been open to the idea" Or would you prefer to risk abandonment by family, and discrimination for a medical condition that we have never chosen. I know now that I need to transition, and I know that it will be risky. I fear my mom will be in denial for so long when I finally come out, and fear that my dad will be totally creeped out by the idea. It is very very scarry for us but we have to move forward. Hugg I hope you move forward with your life. You cannot let others hold you back forever because there will always be someone wanting to do that. Talk to your mom, explain, suggest a therapist etc. Do whatever you can to preserve your relationship with her. But move forward.
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