Respect, Support, and getting along a little friendly reminder

[rejennyrated]

I can't help noticing that we have had a lot of threads about this over the past few weeks, people threatening to leave, people complaining about arguments, debates over the meaning of support.

The irony is that in the midst of all this discussion I think a few amongst us have lost sight of a few important things - hence this post.

1. Staff are here to moderate and keep things within sensible limits. The issue is not helped if certain people take it into their heads to start using clever little remarks to have a dig at someone whom they perceive as being a wrong doer. Let us do our job. Yes we sometime miss things and yes we sometimes get it wrong, we are human and fallible, but we do TRY! So let us get on with it and please resist the temptation to give us a hand by posting clever or pointed comments.

2. There is a saying "give a dog a bad name." It applies to people too. Yes we know that there are some people who historically have been the cause of trouble, but that does NOT give other forum members the automatic right to assume that they are up to no good. People can change their ways, and anyway the principle is innocent until proven guilty. So when you see a comment from one of these people please don't automatically go looking for the insult, because it may be just an ordinary comment.

3. You can't like everyone. There are people on here that I find tiresome, but I don't go around trying to pick a fight with them. When I encounter them I try to see their good side and I make extra sure that if I ever respond to them I do so in a polite way.

4. Often bullies and people who go around being rude do so because they are actually deep down rather sensitive and soft people. I know this because I am sensitive myself even if I am not actually a bully. I do know that I come across as robust and sure of myself, but deep inside lies a soft well hidden mass of vulnerabilities. Bullies are made of the same stuff. They bully because they think that the best form of defense is to attack. So when you encounter a bully the worst possible thing you can do is to give them a good hard kick! That will only make them worse. The only way such people can be changed is if you can help them to feel secure enough to open up a little and share the real person who lurks inside.

Whether we choose to admit it or not, we are all on this website because we feel the need for support, information or just some additional friendship. The site rules that Susan set up are there to protect EVERYONE. They apply equally to you, me, and everyone else here. Just because you are one of the "good guys" does NOT mean that you can get away with breaking the rules because "so and so deserves it". If you do that we will punish YOU and not them.

If you don't like something then first pause for a moment and make sure that you aren't reading it the wrong way, then if you are still unhappy, by all means report it and whatever you do DON'T respond in kind. In fact better yet don't respond at all until a member of staff has looked at it (which may take some time because we are all volunteers).

Finally some inconvenient truths. We are all different. We live in different countries, we have different family backgrounds, different political views, different education etc etc etc. It is inevitable that there WILL be some robust discussion and disagreements. You just can't get away from that. If you honestly expect that this place will be full of people telling you that it will all be all right and constantly making soothing noises then I fear you are being unrealistic. The best you can hope is that in amongst all the noise there will be people who will offer you that support and will help you on your journey.

Thanks for reading this. I hope it may contribute a little to settling us down again.

Please feel free to respond to this, or not, within the spirit it was offered.

[spacial]

If I may.

The internet is a kind of a lifeline for people lke me. I don't socialise and other than my wife, don't have any friends.

I've been on loads of net forums over the years. In terms of their management, some have been pretty good, some oppressive, some just so dire, no sensible person would stay.

Susans' is, by many many miles, one of the best run forums I've ever come across. I can only think of one other that compares. (Another specialist forum, interestingly).

Moderation shouldn't be oppressive. That destroys differences.

You moderators here are doing fine. (Understatement!!).

[Janet_Girl]

So that people don't think that Jenny's thread is something new, I quote two rules from th TOS.

Susan and her staff are the only authorized personnel that are permitted to tell someone to leave. If someone wants to discuss a subject you are not interested in either suggest a new subject; go to another of the many areas on this site; or ignore that person, topic, or discussion.

Bashing or flaming of any individuals or groups is not acceptable behavior on this web site and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason.  This includes but is not limited to:

• Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term.
• Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more legitimate, deserving, or more real than any others

[Eva Marie]

4. Often bullies and people who go around being rude do so because they are actually deep down rather sensitive and soft people.

I've known quite a few rather abrasive, bullying individuals in my line of work, and i've spent the time to get to know them and get past the exterior, and i usually find a cool, unique individual behind that wall. I've found the same thing online. It's a matter of gaining their respect toward you.

Someone that is acting like a bully online? Kill 'em with kindness and see what happens

[Lee]

I know we're not supposed to go against moderators, but I hope we can all do our best to prove point 3 incorrect. 
Anyways, thanks again to all your folks who keep Susan's running.  For those of us who don't, let's play nice.  Last I checked, the internet was big enough for all of us.

[Jacquelyn]

Within certain limits the debate and bickering that goes on in some of the threads is somewhat amusing. I don't condone the brash or nasty remarks that some make, because, as I said, there are limitations that exist. However, most of the banter reminds me of my relationships with my sisters and other family members.

Everyone here has something valuable to contribute, and while we don't always all see eye to eye, we ought to make our most valiant efforts to understand and tolerate the ideologies of our respective members. Some posters have a more forward approach, which sometimes upon first reading their posts can seem somewhat cold, but just like with certain members of my family at home (mostly my grandfather) after rereading it and getting to know the individuals it's plain to see that they tend to fall more into the tough love category of advice giving.

As for the Mods, I applaud you. You are doing a great job, and without any motivation besides your love for Susan's and all of it's members (no matter how some may try your patience  ).