Pre-T passing, love, and other questions

[Erik Ezrin]

I bet this topic has been covered a lot in the past, lol, but obviously... I'm pre-T (and thus also pre-op), I am out to some good friends, but not to my parents, AND those friends have met me as a 'girl'. All of them accepted it pretty well (I guess I'm lucky, lol), though are not yet consistently using right pronouns and name, etc. but that's mainly because their, and my, parents don't know, and it would be awkward if they'd overhear us.

I have studied for half a year last year, and I'm going to art academy the next. However, I am not yet on T, and won't be by that time (I hope I am out though), and I'm not sure what to do regarding my new study. Should I tell them I'm trans beforehand? Should I try to pass and just tell them I'm a guy with a huge pokerface? (for the record; I don't really pass. My body is pretty androgynous though, and my voice... a lot of people say I sound like my mother, and she really doesn't sound like a guy AT ALL to me) Or should I play it safe/coward mode and introduce as my birth sex + name? (not what I want, of course. But I doubt whether I have the guts to do otherwise :s)

And another problem is... well, I'm 19 years old (I'm a fossil. Lol! No, not really...), and never had a boy- or girlfriend. Ever. Mainly because I never felt comfortable opening up myself so much to someone, and just couldn't bare the thought they would kiss me/ have sex with me/ love me as a girl. AKA as something I am not.
But now I really feel myself longing for a relationship (doesn't have to be for life yet, but also not a 'one night stand' thing), and not being so alone anymore... but I wonder... do I even have a slight chance of that working out with me not on T yet? I FIRST have to be seen as my true gender, while not on T, AND then find someone who doesn't care I look like a girl and have the parts of a girl. Besides that... I am basically pan, but prefer guys, where am I EVER going to find a guy (< though that's optional. A gal, trans or not, is fine too) who sees me as who I am and is okay with that while NOT YET BEING ON T and not yet passing in public?

Seems impossible... :s
I just... feel so lost sometimes *sigh* and so unreasonably scared to DO stuff.
Am I the only one who feels like a freaking coward out here? It's not manly AT ALL... but I can't help it :s

[Bimmer Guy]

... do I even have a slight chance of that working out with me not on T yet? I FIRST have to be seen as my true gender, while not on T, AND then find someone who doesn't care I look like a girl and have the parts of a girl. Besides that... I am basically pan, but prefer guys, where am I EVER going to find a guy (< though that's optional. A gal, trans or not, is fine too) who sees me as who I am and is okay with that while NOT YET BEING ON T and not yet passing in public?

Hey, Erik.  I am going to respond to only this one piece, as I think others may have better advice about school.

I just want to let you know that you CAN find partners who will view you as male even if you are pre-T.  I am not on T and my partners have  always easily viewed me this way.  Granted, my female body parts are not touched during sex, but I have known pre-T guys who have had male "straight" partners who touch all of them and they truly see them as male, through and through.

I'm sure other people here will comment, as well, but you will see that when someone feels your "male energy", they won't see you any other way.

[Mr.X]

Hello fellow Dutchie (at least, I believe you are Dutch, right?)

You think you're an oddball at 19 without ever being with someone? Try being 26 years old! The fact I'm gay complicates matters a lot. Honestly, being 19 and unexperienced in that area is not that odd. You have a lot of time left to become comfortable with yourself and start dating.

Regarding starting art acadamy. Most people doing art studies are usually pretty open-minded. I think it will depend on how you feel when you start. If you are ready to come out, just come out. Let someone at your acadamy know, like a teacher or a supervisor. Most universities also have LGTB organisations where you could ask for help. 

[invisiblemonsters]

i just started school a month ago so when i went to pick my classes with the counselor, what i did was tell her i was trans and the name i would prefer to be called. it was no issue at all and she sent a reminder to my teachers to call me by my chosen name instead of my birth name. you should let a counselor know, or a teacher or who ever can help you (LGBT organizations for example). although i'm out to everyone in my life, going to school and being stealth has been amazing. usually people don't question you whether you pass or not if you just tell them the name you want to be called. if they see others using he/your preferred name, they will just think you're androgynous (and a lot of cis males are) if you think you don't pass so they won't think twice. a lot of guys also have high voices so i wouldn't worry too much about that kind of stuff but you could try to talk a bit deeper, you'll eventually get the hang of that until you start t.

as for dating, my ex accepted me for who i was and viewed me as male no matter what. she didn't question it or how manly i was and if someone respects your identity, they won't question it either. it's tough because you have all those worries and it prevents you from wanting to do all this stuff but in all honesty, it's possible to find someone who is accepting and won't view you as any less of a man because of your parts or how well you pass in public.

i honestly think the whole school thing is a fresh start where you can be yourself. in the end though it's up to you and what's gonna make you happy.

[Polo]

I agree with Brett, Mr. X, and  invisiblemonsters.

Even before I figured out I was trans, many people who knew me well felt I had masculine energy, and treated me accordingly. Since figuring things out I've had little hesitation from people when I tell them.

As for speaking, it is possible to lower your speaking voice. Possibly more importantly, learn how men speak. I'm not sure about Dutch, but in American English men speak a bit slower, with more of a monotone and pronounce their S's differently. When I figured out how to speak that way, I began passing about 95% of the time (I'm pre-T as well), even while having conversations with people.

I would second the opinion that an art academy is likely to be open minded. Higher learning in general I think would follow similar lines of thinking. I just came out recently to my professors at a Texas University, and so far, so good. A school counselor and support group are good things to get involved with too, imo. Best of luck to you.

[Erik Ezrin]

Thanks everybody (and yes, Mr. X, I'm a Dutchie for sure!)
Thanks for the great advice, and reassurance (I thought I'd be hopelessly lost until being on T long enough to pass 99/100 times). And what you guys say about 'masculine vibe' is definitely recognisable. Lots of my friends are open minded, gladly (I guess it's because I am too. Likeminded people attract each other), and openly said to me they had to get used to it, but could definitely see the 'guy' in me, and had felt that masculinity all the time as well.
This really felt as a relief to me, as I somehow was afraid people would say "But you are so artistic/emotional/sensitive/talkative/etc." to say I'm no 'real' man. But no one did such a thing!!

But okay, so two more questions,
1) are you guys serious that... if I keep a pokerface and just tell everyone I'm a guy, people WILL believe it? Even though my voice might be very much that of a woman's? (I gotto do some voice exercises. Anyone knows a good resource? And also; does anyone know whether these techniques/speech mannerisms also apply to Dutch?)
2) HOW do I know whether I'm ready to come out??? I am still freaking scared... and I feel like if I have to wait till NOT being scared, I can wait till I'm an old grump. But I made the mistake in the past to rush it, and ended up being extremely uncomfortable around some of my friends (though that's cleared up now), I clearly wasn't ready then. How do I know whether I am now??

[Polo]

I think it's normal to be a little scared or nervous, but if you're really, truly,  absolutely terrified,  you should probably hold off a bit. Also, come out to who? You can have many times to come out if you're going off to school: to friends/classmates, to professors, to family...

If you are confident in your chosen gender and introduce yourself as such, not many people are bold/mean enough to openly question you even if it does cross their mind. Most people take me at face value when I slip things in that gender me as a guy, and NO ONE has openly disagreed with me.

Disclaimer: I can only speak from my experience which is an American one.
For speaking, You can try paying close attention to male Dutch speakers, such as news reporters, television or YouTube men that you think have a great speaking voice, and work to emulate their style.

[invisiblemonsters]

people will believe it, no one questions it unless you do something that might make them question it which is very rare to do (like going into the womans bathroom) it's the same for being gay, etc. if you do something that shows your homosexuality (aka saying a guy is hot probably) they'll probably question if you're gay, bi, w/e. when i told my counselor, she didn't care. why? because she has had others go through the same process and if they have, it makes the transition easier for you. my voice isn't exactly the deepest but i try to talk a bit lower and use more..manly??? talking. guys don't move their hands as much when talking, more monotone, etc. those kinds of things can help. even if you didn't do those things, people will just think you're a flamboyant guy if they know you're identifying as male. if they don't, if they assumed you were a girl but then found out you use "him" and a male name, they'll just correct themselves but might question other things like sexuality (which is dumb imo) but imo i wouldn't care about that stuff as long as they respected my gender identity. it's like when a person mistakes a female as male, they just say oh and use the right pronouns from then on (from what i've seen at least..)

as for the whole being nervous and scared thing..i think a lot of people feel that way because it's new and we don't know how others will take it. we worry they won't accept us and our identity, those kinds of things. you can do as you wish and not come out, you don't have to but if you want to, there's tons of people here and others in your real life who will probably support you. in the end putting it off because you're scared of what others think is probably gonna make your transition take even longer and you might regret it when you're older.

you need to take charge of your life and do what's best for you, whether it's coming out now or waiting, it should be your choice. i admit i was scared to go to school and be stealth because i've never done it before, i didn't know how well it would work out, i still worried. now though? it's been about two months-ish and no one has questioned anything. i use the males bathroom, i get guys calling me man, guy, treating me like a guy and i have my proper name/pronouns used without question. i think you'll be fine, i think it's just taking that first step but if you're 100% sure of who you are, you should embrace that. there's lots of resources and people who can help you get to the point you want to be at.