Selfishness........and transitioning. I think......

[Mrs Erocse]

Definition of SELFISH
1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others

When we are children we have the time to grow slowly and decide what we will be when we grow up. (That is if you are born in the right gender) Childhood is a formative, free time. I was born female and accepted that without any other consideration. We were poor. My clothes were used and worn. My mom cut my hair badly and boyishly. I focused on how I was going to be a girly girl when I grew up. I wished for pretty things. (Was I selfish in living and accepting my childhood?)

A transgender person does not have the luxury of accepting the given gender as they grow. It seems to me there is a focus on sorting out conflicting feelings and a lack of self acceptance. Self shaming for wishing they were someone else. This in turn leads to struggles with depression and social anxiety disorder.  This is something that parents have no clue about. It is not in the parenting hand bill of education. It is not common knowledge. The knowledge existing is sparce and often coloured with predjudice. (If it were not for all of your wonderful sharing here at Susan's I would not understand nearly so much. Feel free to correct me when I am wrong.) (Are your parents selfish for not understanding? For not being informed? )

I think it is unselfish for you to come out and share who you are with the world. Everyone here at Susan's is kind, intelligent, fun, and simply wonderful. What you have already shared with the world is so important to so many. Obviously ->-bleeped-<- is more common than the world gives it credit for. Without coming out and sharing yourself with everyone you are hiding what the world should know. Information for future parents should be available. Open doors for thier minds is only possible by the world seeing the truth and being exposed to all of you good people.

The fact that people are unwilling to understand you or even try is selfish.


When Roxy was hiding her wish to transgender from me. We had allot of misunderstandings. We spent unnecessary time apart. She was busy doing things in secret. That is selfish too. Hiding yourself can be seen as selfish too.

I think you all have the right to be who you want to be, who you are inside. I don't even feel I have the right to say that, perhaps it is not my place. I think it should be said and exclaimed just the same!!!!

Big Hugs.
Patty

[bethw]

Thank you Patty. I think I'm going to cry. I know I have to tell my wife but after 35 years of hiding it from her I don't know if I have the courage. She is my life. I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know if I can(crying hard now). But I just wanted to thank you.
Hugs as always.
beth

[Mrs Erocse]

Bethw, I don't wish to make anyone cry. I wish only life to be good for everyone. It is really hard. When Roxy finally explained it all to me, told me I could leave if I wished, I was tormented.  The thought of tearing us apart and starting over was ripping my heart out. I realized I didn't want that. Accepting and understanding were much easier than not. I love Roxy and know that she is a good person. She would not do this on a whim. I knew this must mean a great deal for her to pursue.

Susan's has helped me to understand a great deal as well. This is something that afflicts many people. I have always loved good people. I wish life was always kind and good to all of them. I wish for you the best. I wish it was easier.
Many big hugs. No tears.
Love,
Patty

[erocse]

   I sometimes think, and have heard it said. that the transitioner is a very selfish person. It does , at times seem like that to the people we effect. The human race, by nature tends to be selfish. It is one our many survival tool . Not very palatable if not used properly. We all take what we need to survive, and then some. Sometimes even in excess. I think it is most important to remember to "give back" and to give back at least equal or more then what was given you. The only flaw in this plan is when people forget to or choose not to  "give back".

   I hope someday to have given back to Patty as much as she has given me.

  Hugs, Roxy

[spacial]

bethw

If I may suggest. Before you do tell her, Think about what you need to achieve.

You are right, she deserves to know. But equally, there will be a number of shock factors.

That for 35 years, you have kept this inside. I strongly suspect that she knows, but has long since explained it away. This is the first wall you will need to break down.

The second is, what you hope to achieve. In your situation, I would aim for understanding. I would make it clear that, after 35 years I really need you to understand this. What we do about it is up to us. I have no plans or motives.

That will create the third wall. She will as herself the question, why now?  A few years ago, some jealous relative suggested to my wife that my interest in one of our late teen nieces was more than uncle. It certainly wasn't, of course. She was late teens and having some problems. She wanted to talk. But my wife got herself into a mindset that I was a middle aged man, chasing my own youth by trying a (admittedly, very attractive), teenage girl. The problem is resolved now, thankfully. I certainly don't have and never did have any interest in teenage girls, other than to copy them! 

The point I'm trying to make is that a lot of wives, especially when we get older, can fall back onto the 'losing his mind' excuse.

Then comes the fourth wall. What she thinks may be the consequences of what you are saying.

For this, I strongly suggest you think conservatively. Try to take her with you. Lonliness sucks.

[bethw]

Thank you all for your understanding and suggestions. I haved a lot to think about. I will keep you  updated as to what I'm doing.
Thank yoiu all again.
Hygs
Beth

[cynthialee]

 

[Nemo]

Patty,

People like you restore my faith in humanity

I know relationships can be hard work at the best of times, but you folks take on so much with someone who's trans. GID is horrible; however, what it does to the person (confusion, depression) is only a fraction of it. There's also what it makes the person do to themselves (e.g. increased self-harm/suicide attempts), how it all affects those around them, and back again to how the repercussions affect them.

I admire anyone on the outside who can be this supportive to people they have a limited understanding of (not having gone through it themselves). If we had more folks like you around, the world would be a much better place

As the song goes:

Life ain't worth a damn
'til I can say
I am what I am!

Hugs,

Sam

[Mrs Erocse]

Nemo,

I know that I have not gone through this myself. I cannot help but think, any decent person who spent any time here reading the posts would have to be compassionate.

The world is filled with religions proclaiming love and compassion. Millions of people attaching themselves to these religions. I wish that they would all just see how it is. Walk a mile in another persons shoes.

I see everyone here as thier own pioneer. You are all amazing great people and I have never seen a better group in my life with so much consideration and kindness. I feel lucky to be allowed to participate. I really do appreciate all that everyone has afforded me. Your knowledge, experience, and support.

Thank you for your support Nemo.

Hugs.
Patty

[Stephanie.Izann]

   I sometimes think, and have heard it said. that the transitioner is a very selfish person. It does , at times seem like that to the people we effect. The human race, by nature tends to be selfish. It is one our many survival tool . Not very palatable if not used properly. We all take what we need to survive, and then some. Sometimes even in excess. I think it is most important to remember to "give back" and to give back at least equal or more then what was given you. The only flaw in this plan is when people forget to or choose not to  "give back".

   I hope someday to have given back to Patty as much as she has given me.

  Hugs, Roxy

Awww.  That is soooo sweet! I feel the same about my girl too. 
One long distance hug to you both!

[Debra]

Thank you so much for this message!

[ZiggyMarten]

Hi Patty

I have been thinking about the subject of selfishness a lot the last few months.

After reading your post and thing about it I believe my decision to transition was a most selfless thing. I do not know if I can explain it very well but I will endeavor to do so.

The old man, the artificial male persona that I created, operated with, was sometimes cruel, mostly dishonest and almost always selfish. But in his defense i will say that consumed by pain as he was and the resulting fear that he did not do that badly. I can not think badly of him. As awful a creature he was I feel I owe my life to him.

When the little girl inside finally got through to him, when he finally realized that she was real and not imagined he did the right thing. He started the process of extraditing himself from this aged male body so the little girl could move in and be in the world again after so many years.

A year and a half later and I am still finding,dismantling  and discarding the remaining bits of that artificial male persona. Along with it has gone the fear that that drove the cruelty, dishonesty, selfishness and all those sort of things that we surely are not born with. (Contrary to what people believe the world is a better place for my having begun transition.)

I believe the act of transitioning in itself is not selfish or selfless. It is what we do with it that makes it so. You can be the three year old who stomps their foot and demands unreasonable things or we can be rational stand on our own two feet and not only help ourselves but also those around us.

                                                                                                    Ziggy

[Lee]

Thank you for posting Patty.  My family and friends can be, for lack of a better way to put it, over the top with caring to the point where it is forced and slightly obnoxious.  I think that my not wanting them to worry is selfish because of this.  Even though I don't want my transition to become an issue, I fear that some of them may make it one out of support for me, if that makes sense.  I feel bad for thinking this, but the best scenario would be if they don't care.