Goodbye Susan's

[April Dawne]

I don't know where to post this, but anyway...

I am at a point where I really have nothing to contribute, and feel my presence is no longer needed... or wanted... whichever is the case, my transition is going well, I know what I need to do, and I just don't feel that I need to stick around.

Goodbye everyone.

~April Dawne~

[Janet_Girl]

April,

Don't go.  Stay.  We are family.  But if you wish to do it with a full heart that you are loved and welcomed back.  Keep your accont so you just have to log back  in.

Hope you are OK, Hon.

[Cindy]

Hi April,

You are loved and wanted. You are part of the family. Hang around. I need you.

Cindy

[xAndrewx]

What they said. You're very much wanted and needed here. You give great advice and I love reading your posts. Like they all said if you really think it's best to go please do keep your account. Then maybe one day you'll come back on here again. Best of wishes, not matter what you do. *hug*

      -Andrew

(see you are special, I never sign my posts except this one... I think   )

[CaitJ]

Good luck with everything; have fun out there 

[spacial]

April.

Your presence is needed and wanted.

I'm sure most of us feel that way, now and again. I do at least, especially when I get on a down.

[Jennifer]

Hi April,

     I value your posts. Hugs to you.

Jennifer

[Miniar]

*hugs*

Sad to see you go, 'specially on such terms, but you have to do what's right for you.
If you honestly don't feel like sticking around, then there's no reason for me to try to make you.
But if you ever want to come back, you're more than welcome.

[April Dawne]

I wasn't being completely forthcoming with this thread so here it is.

I've been on HRT for over 9 months now, but only started seeing a therapist and Doctor in October of last year. My Doctor prescribed me Spiro and Finasteride right away but couldn't give me Estrogen because she needed the letter, so I continued self-dosing.

I got fired on December 20th and my Insurance was going to be done on the 31st so I finally got the bloodwork done at about the same time that my therapist sent my letter to Dr. Madden.  Between Christmas and New Year's Eve, I got the lab results and called my doctor right away. Here's an excerpt:

Total Testosterone     94           goal is less than 40

Estradiol                     109         typical range for a person under 50 without cardiovascular risk would be 120 to 220 pg/ml

Prolactin                      20.7       normal range is less than 15

Comment:
your Prolactin level is elevated. This can be due to the use of unmonitored hormones. A lab result with an elevated Prolactin level should be repeated for confirmation. If you are using any form of hormone therapy at the present time, you should stop so we can reliably retest you. A persistently high Prolactin level can warrant brain imaging to look for a tumor.

So naturally I stopped all dosing. My doctor told me to stop for an entire month, which means I'm not going to have insurance to cover labs, and with no employment I can't pay for it out-of-pocket. Who knows how long it will be before I can get the labs done again and find out whether I need brain imaging done?

On top of all this I could lose my new car, the guy I've been seeing may have3 gotten tired of my "finding myself" drama and emotional roller-coaster, and I have no job prospects.

The only real pluses I can report are that my name change becomes legal on the 5th, and on the 6th I have an appointment for an interview with DHHS to go on Medicaid for my medical, and possibly for money to help pay bills and child support. I haven't heard a determination from Employment Security, so that's up in the air.

It's like everything is spiraling out of control. Being off my meds I feel like I'm unraveling. I'm scared and I feel alone.

[spacial]

April.

Thank you for clarifing the situation.

It does look pretty desperate. We can only hope something might work itself out.

If you feel you want to back peddle, for a while at least, that is no reason to run away from here. One thing I've learnt aout Susans' and rely upon is no judgement.

But we remain your friends.

[Janet_Girl]

You might want to check with the credit company on the car.  When I lost my job, there was an insurance that paid my loan.  Hopefully you will get on Medicaid, or at least find a low cost clinic.

It does get tough, but you need us more now than ever.

[Miniar]

Deep breath, one problem at a time.
This too shall pass.
*hug*

[Sarah B]

Hi April Dawne

Sorry to hear that you really are having a hard time and thank you for letting us know the real reason for you wanting to leave Susan's

I would argue with you that what you wrote just above is the strongest reason why you should stay here at Susan's.  You are not alone, because there are many people with different experiences that will be able to offer you advice to help you get back on track.

So take a big deep breath relax and let it out. You have mentioned what is going right and one of those is your name change, congratulations on achieving that milestone,  You have taken the necessary steps to get yourself back on track, namely trying to get Medicaid.

Taking Estradiol will raise your prolactin levels [1] and of course you need to see doctors and specialists that will enable you to get the right levels of hormones and that specialize in transgendered people.

So take care of yourself and take one small step at a time and you will find you will soon get back on track.

Kind regards
Sarah B
[1] Prolactin levels and pituitary enlargement in hormone-treated male-to-female transsexuals.

[V M]

I tend to enjoy your posts April... I hope something will work out for you and you'll stick around

At least keep your account open

*Hugs*

- Virginia

[April Dawne]

Thanks everyone. I've just been so confused and scared and sad lately, I want to crawl under the covers, curl into a ball and never come out. I cry all the time now, because I might be losing the one person who should understand me the most, and I need him. He says he isn't going anywhere, but I can feel him slipping away. And there's nothing I can do to stop any of it.

When I got fired, I decided that I wasn't waiting any more to go "full time". I got home and tore the 'boy' off, vowing never to go back to that again. I went out and got my nails done, dyed my hair, and gave away all my boy clothes. My mom took me to JC Penney and Macy's and bought me $200 worth of new clothes. I spent the holidays with my family, 100% as April, and I felt amazingly good. Then all this happens, and knocks me right back down again.

My new motto for 2011 will be this: Things may not always go your way; you will stumble, and people will try to deter you... never give up, never give in, and never look back.

Thanks again everyone, for your kind words and encouragement. I appreciate each of you. <3

~April Dawne~

[sonopoly]

Hi, April Dawne,

I am so sorry to hear of your current troubles.  I've read many of your posts, and have admired you for your courage, spirit, and independence.  You stood out for me because you were taking charge of your life and had confidence and pride for who you are, as you should.

I am going through a particularly hard and scary time myself.  I think where will I be in 6 months? It could be very bad or not too bad.  I don't know and don't have that much control over it.  I do plan to take it one step at a time and not do anything rash.  I know if I want to, I will survive, and I want to.  You WILL survive this.  It may not always be pleasant, but you will survive and most likely be a much stronger and better person.

You are doing so well, and I think the best is yet to come for you, and for me as well.  So, let's stick it out and allow ourselves to enjoy what is ahead.  I always think -- "You never know what is right around the corner".

Obviously, people truly care about you here and I'm sure in all aspects of your life.  People are here and there for you.  I know that many people want you to ask for their help when you need it and would be very mad if you didn't ask for it when you needed it.

I'm so glad you are communicating.  I think you may be like me.  I hate to communicate when I'm needy and communicate best when I have good news to tell, but I know that it's important to reach out.  I hate asking for help, but I will if I have to, because I'm a survivor and so are you.

Sono

[April Dawne]

Hello Sono! Thank you so much for your reply. You are absolutely right, I hate asking for help, no matter how much I might need it. I've always felt that I should be able to make my own way, and fail or succeed on my own merit. I know I've come pretty far in my transition, and although there have been a few roadblocks put in my way I am determined to continue to move forward.

And definitely do not do anything rash. I'll repeat your own advice, people truly care about you here and I'm sure in all aspects of your life. It's hard at times, especially when you don't know what is right around the corner, or in the future, but if you don't face that future you could miss something truly glorious.

Communication has always been difficult for me, especially when it comes to personal things that really affect me. That's something I need to work on, I know. People can't help me if I stay silent.

Thank you for your encouragement. I hope I can do the same.

~April Dawne~

[Sarah B]

Hi April Dawne

Sounds like you are a lot more happy from your last post.

Thanks everyone. I've just been so confused and scared and sad lately, I want to crawl under the covers, curl into a ball and never come out. I cry all the time now, because I might be losing the one person who should understand me the most, and I need him. He says he isn't going anywhere, but I can feel him slipping away. And there's nothing I can do to stop any of it.

Just keep talking to him, I know its hard to communicate.  I also have the same problem, but I'm working on it.

When I got fired, I decided that I wasn't waiting any more to go "full time". I got home and tore the 'boy' off, vowing never to go back to that again.

One humongous step and you certainly impressed me by what you did.

I went out and got my nails done, dyed my hair, and gave away all my boy clothes.

Two small steps and another humongous step.

My mom took me to JC Penney and Macy's and bought me $200 worth of new clothes.  I spent the holidays with my family, 100% as April, and I felt amazingly good.

Three humongous steps.

My new motto for 2011 will be this: Things may not always go your way; you will stumble, and people will try to deter you... never give up, never give in, and never look back.

Another humongous step

What I suppose I'm trying to say is you are moving forward more than you realize, yes you have a job and hormone problem and these problems will be solved eventually. You have the right attitude and spirit and this will help you no end.

Kindest regards
Sarah B

[April Dawne]

Thank you Sarah, I do feel much better now that I've gotten it out. I'm flattered to hear that I am wanted here, and more... needed. I think now that leaving would be a mistake. I was slipping into a dark place last night, and I suppose this thread was a desperate cry for help. Thank you all for responding, my outlook is far better now for it.

Love and hugs to you all <3

~April Dawne~

[April Dawne]

Sorry itsgood2berespectful, but I just have to ask...

What does that post have to do with this thread? Everyone on it, including myself has been extremely respectful and supportive and helpful. Maybe that post could have served a better purpose had it been the start of a thread of it's own instead of a rant on mine?