Are you still you?

[JessicaR]

  There are many, both within and from outside our community, that like to use the phrase, "Same person, different package." (or something like it.) The implication is that we, through transition, change the car but it still has the same person driving it. Do you agree?
  I would definitely say that is feels as if "he" is gone. The parts that make up who I am now have always been there and they, if you looked carefully enough, were always evident in "his" personality. Transition, for me, was more about letting "him" fall away; I felt, throughout my life, like I had to try and be the guy everyone expected me to be and always be very aware of how I acted in public. I never danced, for instance, because trying to dance like a guy just looked silly. Now that I've completed transition, I would find it impossible to try and be "him" again... It almost feels like there are holes in my memory where he used to be; It's almost like the mask took on a life of its own and I've destroyed it. It doesn't bother me... I can't really say that I miss him but it does feel like there are parts of me that died with him. It's just a curiosity, I suppose.
  What makes it difficult is that I'm very uncomfortable with being associated with him in any way. I get very angry if his name comes up and get uncomfortable if others talk about him. I usually refer to him in the third person because I just don't feel he's around anymore. My therapist once said that anyone who has known me for a long time sees me as a continuum; They don't see "him" and Jessica as different people. I know that those who transition young probably wouldn't feel this effect as strongly because they wouldn't have had to "wear the mask" as long. What about those who, before transition, presented as Gay men? Is what I'm feeling a purely sociological phenomenon or is my blocking "him" out like an internal defense mechanism?

  I'm just curious how other Transsexuals feel about it :-)

[rejennyrated]

Interesting question.

And yes - as someone who transitioned in childhood I agree I don't feel this effect at all because "he" never really solidified. There was a brief period in early adulthood when "she" tried unsuccessfully to be "him" but that isn't quite the same thing.

So I too will be interested to see the answers you get.

[lilacwoman]

huge gaps in my memeories of being him.   I struggle to remember houses and jobs I had. but I do rememeber every outing and embarrassment

[Glenn]

  There are many, both within and from outside our community, that like to use the phrase, "Same person, different package." (or something like it.) The implication is that we, through transition, change the car but it still has the same person driving it. Do you agree?

Yes and No

Yes because I have always felt I was a woman inside no matter how much I tried to live up to peoples expectations of me as a physical male. 

No because the process of coming out and transforming is a process of personal change.  Is a butterfly just a caterpillar with wings?  No she's a butterfly.

I would definitely say that is feels as if "he" is gone. The parts that make up who I am now have always been there and they, if you looked carefully enough, were always evident in "his" personality. Transition, for me, was more about letting "him" fall away; I felt, throughout my life, like I had to try and be the guy everyone expected me to be and always be very aware of how I acted in public. I never danced, for instance, because trying to dance like a guy just looked silly. Now that I've completed transition, I would find it impossible to try and be "him" again... It almost feels like there are holes in my memory where he used to be; It's almost like the mask took on a life of its own and I've destroyed it. It doesn't bother me... I can't really say that I miss him but it does feel like there are parts of me that died with him. 

You are far beyond my point of transformation, But I think what's important is not what "They Say" but what "You Feel"

It's just a curiosity, I suppose.
  What makes it difficult is that I'm very uncomfortable with being associated with him in any way. I get very angry if his name comes up and get uncomfortable if others talk about him. I usually refer to him in the third person because I just don't feel he's around anymore. My therapist once said that anyone who has known me for a long time sees me as a continuum; They don't see "him" and Jessica as different people.

I think that is the reason that many strong relationships from before transition fall apart and those people drift away.  Your life has changed you have changed, the people that are around you may not understand the change but in the end there is only one way to go. Acceptance or Exit.

I know that those who transition young probably wouldn't feel this effect as strongly because they wouldn't have had to "wear the mask" as long. What about those who, before transition, presented as Gay men? Is what I'm feeling a purely sociological phenomenon or is my blocking "him" out like an internal defense mechanism?

  I'm just curious how other Transsexuals feel about it :-)

I really can't respond to this part with any credibility at all. I have never presented as a gay man.  Most people classified me as a shut in. my social group was so small that besides family I could count all my friends on one hand.  I am now presenting as transitioning and becoming a woman.
When asked if I am gay I really have to respond, Don't know really. I find some men attractive and some woman I envy simply because they embody so many things I want. But I have never had a gay experience probably never will. My Marriage to a woman was a flop our sex life was or on my end anyway a flop . But I will say this. I expect that when I have fully transitioned that I will be hoping to meet that special guy!
But I know this. Until I have the body parts to match how I feel inside. I am not a sexual creature.
I want to be a full woman not a woman trapped inside a man.

Well that's probably not helpful

Love hugs
Simone.

[Britney♥Bieber]

For me, transition has been a journey of self discovery. I always wished I could wear heels and have long hair etc but I never realized how sad it made me. How trapped I felt in my clothes, overall appearance and gender roles etc. The only way I would say I've changed since hormones is I'm a lot happier. I actually like what I see in the mirror now, and doing things like growing my hair out and wearing makeup dressing in female clothes. It's weird how something that might seem so simple to one person, means the world to me. But yes, I do feel like I'm the same old person. I don't feel like I'm changing, I just feel like this girl has always been inside me but she was stifled and dying and now she is living and happier than ever.

[CaitJ]

I cannot say with any certainty that the changes in my personality were the result of transition in the sense that you mean and cannot simply be attributed to Growing Up and getting on with my life.
Yes, I am a different person to the person I was four years ago. But the person four years ago is a different person to the one from four years before that - and so on.
Without having a control group, you cannot monitor which changes were simply due to age and life experiences and which are due to transition.
I expect to be a different person again, four years from now, even though I'm well beyond transition 

[Rock_chick]

Of course I'm still me...all the things that have brought me to this point right here still happened, transitioning isn't going to make them unhappen. Okay, I have real problems with disassociating with past events, but i've always had that, i really don't remember past events beyond the odd flash of emotion. Is this because I'm TS or just because I choose to live in a relentless bubble of now...i don't know. But I do know that I'm still me, because if i'm not me...who the hell am I?

[Janet_Girl]

Rarely are we the same person we were 1, 5, 10, 20 years ago.  Things happen to change us.  But the very core of who you are is unchanged.  The way you were raised has an important foundation.  Good or bad it is still very much who you are at the core.

Changes make you into new people everyday.  But you are still you.

[KillBelle]

Ever since my SRS my orientation has changed just a little. I never thought it was possible but it happens =]

[wannalivethetruth]

I agree wit something you said. When i came out about who i was, it was the end of the world at that moment...but today i honestly cant see myself living in the closet like when i was younger..its almost like a different person but it was me....i realize i was strong as hell to live 16 years quietly and held the pain of not being able to be the girl who i am...but today...i cant see it any other way. amen.

[Colleen Ireland]

Changes make you into new people everyday.  But you are still you.

Put another way:  Our experiences make us who we are.  We are the sum total of everything that has happened to us. 

Okay, I have real problems with disassociating with past events, but i've always had that, i really don't remember past events beyond the odd flash of emotion.

I'm not like that at all - I remember everything.  I may sometimes get confused about dates or timing, but I remember every phase of my life very clearly.  I think as I go forward, that may make things more painful for me, I'm not sure.  But I am who I am, and nothing can take away from me the good things I've done.  I've raised 3 kids to adulthood, and that is very good.  I've done some other things, also.  The thing I'm most looking forward to is how much I will accomplish in the future.

[pebbles]

While people change and are altered by there experience and gender transition is an extreme experience that will leave you drastically altered... but still certain aspects of a person will persist throughout. I still have the same strange phobias interests and even large amounts of my personality are the same as are my feelings for others.

I consider myself a continuous entity who's just had there body and brain jumbled up slightly by an extreme experience... And this is just another period of change and growth.
But really it's down to the individual if they can reconcile Him with Me. Some find it pretty easy others don't seem able to Ie my mother.

The problem is if you can't think of me as the same person and that "He" died me having directly or indirectly caused his death. Consider that if that's true then the story is that he was in incredible pain from a sickness that finally overtook him it was dying in his final act of honor he gave the last of his strength to save me... I carry his memories and I can say that if you hurt me or dislike me because of this discontinuity, your dishonoring his sacrifice and his memory.

[Northern Jane]

I wasn't anybody before transition/SRS. Oh I had a few glimpses of who I might be during the years of living part time en femme but I had no idea of who I was or who I could become. Before that I was just a shadow.

[Melody Maia]

Pebbles, that was beautifully put. It actually brought a few tears to my eyes. I feel the same way about my old male self.

Although I am still me at my core, and not terribly far along my transition, I do feel quite different today. Yes, it is a continuum, but one with a very sharp turn in it instead of a steady unbent line. I am evolving, but in the last few months that evolution has accelerated tremendously to the point that I might seem unrecognizable to some in the not too distant future. Lots of my old personality "traits" wee actually the result of the extreme unhappiness I felt before. Intense, quick to anger, occasionally morose and depressed, nail biter, organized and clean obsessed to near OCD levels. Those all fell away when I came to accept myself. However, this also left me wondering who I was really underneath it all. That has been the great journey of discovery for me and it is just beginning.

With the beginning of the new year, I have started to toy with the idea of asking my friends and family to start referring to me with female pronouns. This is starting to feel correct in my mind and I chafe when I hear people refer to me by my old full first name. In some ways, I feel like that old me was an a-hole I would rather forget. I feel rather like a new person, but with all of his memories and experiences that partly shaped who I am today. In two weeks I will be living somewhere new and I will be free to really explore who I am now.

[CaitJ]

I'm not like that at all - I remember everything.  I may sometimes get confused about dates or timing, but I remember every phase of my life very clearly

Likewise; I'm cursed with an exceptionally good memory - I can remember the entire layout of our house from when I was 3 years old, right down to the glass panel in our front door that depicted a stag standing in the snow. The only memories that are a bit hazy are during the height of my alcoholism while I was in the army; I suspect I actually managed to do some mild brain damage during that time.
I am a contiguous being - I didn't die and get reborn via transition; I added to myself and became MORE of a person.

[V M]

I have no choice to be anything other than myself... I do however feel that I am becoming the "New and Improved" me as time passes

[juliemac]

I am the same person. I still like the same things, but I have grown. I realised that with each passing day we can perfect our selves. I know what I did today and can say, how can I do better?

GID  is tough and destructive. The biggest fear is "Will life be better" if I do this or that. The results of transitioning are more random than any crap shoot. So many variables, so many out comes. I'd hate to have to make the decision again.
having transitioned 20 years ago, surgery just 6 months ago, I found that the grass on the other side is just grass. No more, no less.

My mother said my little brothers greived the loss of their older brother. But I am the same person, just a variation on presentation. I no longer drink or do "other" recreational stuff. I no longer go through the depressions I did for years.
Now my brothers and I talk again, about the same things we got excited about years ago.

[annette]

Hi Jessica

I think it's still me but no longer playing a role for so many years.( i think i deserve an oscar for it)
I have the same toughts and feelings but in another life i had to hide this.
So, it's still me, but I'm free now coz I don't have to pretend to be someone else
and I do agree with Simone, others have to accept your current name and gender or leave the place ( and don't slam the door when your leaving)
So, enjoy your freedom honey and don't let it spoil by others


love
annette

[JennX]

  There are many, both within and from outside our community, that like to use the phrase, "Same person, different package." (or something like it.) The implication is that we, through transition, change the car but it still has the same person driving it. Do you agree?

Yes. In fact I've used similar analogies when trying to explain GID to others.

I hated chocolate pre transition, and will still hate it afterwards.

I hated hot humid, muggy days pre transition, and will still hate what they do to my hair afterwards.

Some things, mostly to do with your outlook of the world will indeed change, but you are the same person after all is said and done.

[JessicaR]

Thanks for your replies...

  I suppose my post came about because I've been having a tough time with reconciling "him" with me lately. I occasionally get junk mail with the old name and it  hurts to see that name in print.  I go vertical when the pronoun issue comes up! An older coworker slipped and called me by "his" name; I had to walk away before saying something I'd regret. I even had a problem reading my therapist's letter for GRS because she identified me as "Jessica, formerly *****" at the beginning. I know that it was necessary but I still had a hard time looking at it.
  I have a great peer support group! :-)  I've mentioned how profoundly painful my gender dysphoria was, how it pushed me to plan my suicide but some of them can't identify. Before transition, "he" was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety, Major Depressive and Social Anxiety disorders. Even my therapist was amazed that, after only a year of living full time, all of them went away. I was on some serious psych medication but today, I'm fine without it. My theory is that "his" life was so miserable, so full of fear and isolation, that I'm unconsciously pushing away anything that would associate me with him.
  Anyway, I guess all this has left me wondering if the level of emotional pain I experienced before transition was unique among Transsexual people or if there was just more going on psychologically with me than most.