Guilt and Fear of Coming Out

[Chantal185]

I just thought I would write a post on guilt and I know everyone here has experienced it especially over trans issues. My entire life seems to have been characterized with stagnation. It seems whatever I do I cannot progress. By the time I was 11 years old I pretty much knew what my issue was. However I learned to become very secretive. To be honest I know I gave off few signs of this and somehow that has always made me feel infurior. I was not an overly feminine child. However at the same time I was an only child who was given all male toys and who's parents always suggested/ pursued the thought that I was male. How could have I acted feminine without influence of this part of my identity. I couldn't. All I knew was that inside I never identified as being a boy. I thought I was a boy, and I looked in the mirror I saw a boy. However it was like all these subliminal things were always telling me "you are a girl" Growing up I had tremendous anxiety issues and just tried to make myself as invisible as possible whenever I could. I did this throughout my entire adolescence high school, and college. Durring my college years I only ended up going to 1 party because I just knew I didn't belong. In fact I pretty much hated myself and thought of suicide daily. Now I am 22 years old just graduated with a diploma in Graphic Design. Yet I feel so empty inside. Like I am living a lie. I remember thinking of coming out of the closet when I was 12 and 14 years old. But I knew I never could. Somehow I have always felt like I was a fraud even though my feelings were always very real. As I said my parents never really saw any hints. Excepts for the fact I was very very withdrawn, had no friends and was very very depressed even when I was 8 or 10 years old. I was bullied so badly in school and again this stunted my life since I always felt so out of place. How do I even go about telling my family about this, I have no clue. They are fairly open minded at least but something just feels so wrong. They never saw that I was even remotely feminine. Just shy, sensitive, and a loner. I fear once I do come out my mom will be in a state of denial for over a year, then possibly blame herself thinking that she somehow turned me into this. It was always here no one did this to me. It is just who I am yet I know people seem to be incapable of understanding that.  My dad will most likely be disgusted, and everyone in my life will start to ignore me. I need support and no matter what I cannot seem to find very much, especially in the area where I live. If I am just going to transition to be some ugly ugly girl who can never pass, acts like a guy still and is no more capable to make friends and be social around people is there a point? It hurts so much. I feel as though I am a freak or have some sort of hideous disease or something. How will people see me when I am transitioning etc etc. It is just so scarry. I cant transition into being in the same boat I am in now. I just know that I need to make changes. I dont want to be a girl with no friends, I dont want to lose everyone I know, and I dont want people pointing at me and laughing. Yet somehow I fear this will happen. Right now I am in therapy with a psychologist and am making some progress. I believe however I am still avoiding people and not living my life. I never go out, I have not even been to a nightclub before or anything like that which just normal people my age do. Instead I sit at my computer depressed. I do feel things are slightly better however since I am at last open with myself and am not trying to crunch it all down inside myself anymore. I have started cross dressing and playing a bit with makeup, and am taking much better care of my body now. But how do I make the transition to even come out of my shell so that I can transition and have peoples support. If I am to do this I will need people to be by my side along this journey. I am not going to come out to my parents if I cannot prove to them that my life will be better on the other side. It just feels too pointless. I need to meet people and just act natural not feel so tense and try to push people away. I am hoping to possibly come out to my parents this summer. If things go good. I am also working on a lot of other things too however like getting out on my own and having my own apartment. It would just be way too awkward for me to be starting all this while living in my parents house. It just seems like there is no starting point to even make friends and start living my life. So if I cannot do something so basic how the hell will I ever be able to transition. I have no clue. Life just feels so hopeless. If anything I want to come out on the other side as a better person, more open and not wanting to kill myself. Does anyone have any suggestions? how terrible of a state were you in before starting to transition? Did your life get better?

[Colleen Ireland]

If I am to do this I will need people to be by my side along this journey.

Welcome, Chantal.  You are among friends and family here.  There are a LOT of people here who can help you and advise you.  You have found a good place.  One thing I would suggest, is to look around near where you live to see if there is a support group for TS people near you.  I bet there is.  Then go there and start attending.  That is where you can find real people with whom you can talk, in a safe environment.  You will learn, and you will get the support you need.  That would be a good start.  Again, welcome.

Edit:  And realize that your story will sound VERY familiar to most of us here.  It's not an uncommon story, not at all.

[Jillieann Rose]

Hello Chantal,
I felt like a freak most of my life and have been close to committing suicide. I felt very alone most of my life. I was so inapt at being a male that my dad had to teach me. He show me how to walk, sit and what games boys played. And he told me what I shouldn't do as they were girl things. Talk about feeling dumb.
Yep, I preferred to sit in front of a computer rather then going out. That was me.

Can't say everything changed now that I'm transitioning but:
I have accepted that I am a women with a major birth defect or in other words a transsexual mtf.
It's not my fault that I am this way so I don't hate myself for my problems.
I am not a freak or just stupid.
Now I feel so much better about myself and I loved to talk to others.
Yes sometimes I still feel like a freak  and it's often after being with my extended family but it's not so bad as it use to be.
And I have all my friends here at Susan's no matter what happens.
Hang in there girl.
Therapy will help. As Colleen said try to find a support group for TS people near you.
Thats a great use of the computer in front of you.
You can change, find friends and become a beautiful person.
Hugs,
Jillieann

[justmeinoz]

Your story sounds all too familiar to me too, just like what I told my therapist yesterday my teenage years were like.   

Once I accepted I had a manageable medical problem, my depression started to lift properly for the first time in over 40 years, so you are well ahead of me there.  If you had diabetes you would not berate yourself for needing insulin injections regularly,  GID is really no different as far as I am concerned.  Society just needs to get up to speed.

[inna]

Hey, what you wrote is a blueprint for 90% of transgender life stories. Yes we get severely depressed often, thoughts of suicide, worries of loss of friendships and love, unknown ahead of us. It should be comforting to you that we all are or have gone the same path and are here to tell a tale. I just recently, through no direct intention of mine, revealed to everyone my ->-bleeped-<-. I have lost some love from people I would never suspect then I got much grander love as well from some I would never suspect of being capable of such. One fact remains, I now walk in love, embracing truth as my only salvation. I was close to dead when living a lie, and recently have experienced emotional death when confronted with rejection of the ones I loved so dearly. But I was born again and this time I know who I am and I wish this upon you even though the path leads through pain. Look at it this way, you are already in pain so nothing will really change until you face this fact and release the bounds of false self and become free at once.

[Janet_Girl]

You could easily have written that for anyone of us, Chantal.  The one thing that is true for all of us, is that you never know where you might get support from.  Parents can seem to be one way and then surprise you by being the exact opposite.  Friends will come and go for various reasons, some good some not.

We can and often do lose family.  But we gain so much more through communities like this.  We meet like minded people who understand all too well what transition is like.

Hang in there, girl.  Just be true to yourself.

[Adabelle]

I totally identify with a lot of the feelings you have had Chantal. In my case I kept burying them deeper and deeper inside. It wasn't until I hit my late 20's that I even went to see a therapist about it.

Please know you aren't alone, and that so many of us go through these same feelings you are having. It doesn't mean you have to do any specific path, or that you should or shouldn't transition - just know that all of us have to work through these feelings.

You are doing the right thing in seeing a therapist, and slowly working through this honestly. Just keep being true to yourself, and you will find the path that is right for you.