a tough road...

[marieangel]

Hi all. I'm very new here and searching for someone to share my thoughts with...

My ftm hubby and I have been married a few years and have a child. I have only ever known him as male and I am straight female. He has been transitioned for over 10 years, had all surgery but still very unhappy. I think he needs to accept himself. I know that he has expressed interest in women, men and other transmen in the past.

I don't understand this level of relationships and am finding it quite difficult to accept that he is not satisfied with our marriage, even though we do love each other very much.

I just wondered if anyone else experiences such complex relationships, how you manage it and why this might have been so deeply buried.

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this and feels able to help. X

[Jacquelyn]

Welcome Marie! I am the SO of a TG person as well. Susan's is an amazing place, full of love and support. 

I can not answer your question insofar as I don't know how I would feel if my SO expressed feelings for anyone but myself (I don't believe in open relationships or polygamy, they just aren't for me). Have you tried to talk to him about your feelings?

The biggest issue my SO and I are working on is whether he will need to transition or not. As he is now he refers to himself as a MT?. If he ultimately feels compelled to complete transition I don't believe that we will be together in a physical partnership. I am simply not attracted (sexually) to women. Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth working through it while we can? Most definitely.

Maybe you could try going to counseling together, or he could go individually.

I look forward to reading more posts from you and getting to know you.

Keep your head up, welcome again...

Hugs!

Jackie

[marieangel]

Hi. And thanks for welcoming me :-)

I don't believe in open relationships either and this is where i'm struggling. I understand that he needs to explore his feelings but I can't find the strength to give him my blessing.

Its great that you can be such a support for you partner. It is a tough journey at every stage. X

[Jacquelyn]

Marie,

The best advice myself or anyone can give you is do not sacrifice yourself or your will. You have every right to have a beautiful and committed relationship with someone who respects and loves you.

If you ever need to talk you can PM me (after you reach the posts required to send a PM).


Hugs,

Jackie

[marieangel]

Its great to finally find some support :-) If anyone can help with my question it would be great to hear other people's viewpoint.

Thanks jackie, its a tough emotional ride and one that I never predicted!

[Jessikee]

My boyfriend is also a FTM and I have only ever known him as a male. We've been together for a little more than two years and just recently he gave me a promise ring.

He hasn't expressed any want or need to experiment with other relationships, but I think that's a lot to do with his past relationships. We're very close and the only advice I can think to give you is to talk to him about his decisions, you feelings, his feelings and everything between. Like Jackie said everyone deserves a beautiful relationship where each person is loved as much as they love.

I look forward to getting to know you better and reading more of your posts. I wish you the best of luck and send you good thoughts filled with nothing but positive energy.

Welcome to Susan's.

[ToriJo]

I don't believe in open relationships either and this is where i'm struggling. I understand that he needs to explore his feelings but I can't find the strength to give him my blessing.

(I'm writing this as a person who does not want an open relationship and writing it to someone else who expressed the same; if you're fine with open relationships, this doesn't apply to you!)

I would never expect my wife to let me "explore me feelings" by being intimate with other people.  That would be an excuse to cheat, and, thus, wrong - no matter how attractive or hot I thought someone else was.  I do not believe it is too much to say, "Hey, we're married, and, no, I'm not open to bringing others into this relationship."  As his spouse, you can demand that - and if he doesn't like it, he can leave, but I wouldn't let him "have his cake and eat it too."  If he has discovered he's not attracted to you, he should be honest and leave.

Now, it's fine if he wants to explore his feelings *with you* and you're also open to what he wants to do - fantasies, movies, etc, can be fun for both people if both are open to it.

But he shouldn't get a free pass for having had a surgery.  If you wouldn't let a man who was identified from birth as male get away with it, someone who has transitioned shouldn't get away with it either - there's no difference, so there shouldn't be a difference in your response.  I would also not let him use this to try to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do (or want him to do, when it comes to intimacy outside of marriage).

[Jacquelyn]

(I'm writing this as a person who does not want an open relationship and writing it to someone else who expressed the same; if you're fine with open relationships, this doesn't apply to you!)

I would never expect my wife to let me "explore me feelings" by being intimate with other people.  That would be an excuse to cheat, and, thus, wrong - no matter how attractive or hot I thought someone else was.  I do not believe it is too much to say, "Hey, we're married, and, no, I'm not open to bringing others into this relationship."  As his spouse, you can demand that - and if he doesn't like it, he can leave, but I wouldn't let him "have his cake and eat it too."  If he has discovered he's not attracted to you, he should be honest and leave.

Now, it's fine if he wants to explore his feelings *with you* and you're also open to what he wants to do - fantasies, movies, etc, can be fun for both people if both are open to it.

But he shouldn't get a free pass for having had a surgery.  If you wouldn't let a man who was identified from birth as male get away with it, someone who has transitioned shouldn't get away with it either - there's no difference, so there shouldn't be a difference in your response.  I would also not let him use this to try to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do (or want him to do, when it comes to intimacy outside of marriage).

I completely agree. Know what you want and need in your relationship. What can you compromise? What things are you unwilling to compromise (and you are allowed to have some things you are unwavering about)?

Communicate them to your SO.

Hugs,

Jackie

[Jessikee]

(I'm writing this as a person who does not want an open relationship and writing it to someone else who expressed the same; if you're fine with open relationships, this doesn't apply to you!)

I would never expect my wife to let me "explore me feelings" by being intimate with other people.  That would be an excuse to cheat, and, thus, wrong - no matter how attractive or hot I thought someone else was.  I do not believe it is too much to say, "Hey, we're married, and, no, I'm not open to bringing others into this relationship."  As his spouse, you can demand that - and if he doesn't like it, he can leave, but I wouldn't let him "have his cake and eat it too."  If he has discovered he's not attracted to you, he should be honest and leave.

Now, it's fine if he wants to explore his feelings *with you* and you're also open to what he wants to do - fantasies, movies, etc, can be fun for both people if both are open to it.

But he shouldn't get a free pass for having had a surgery.  If you wouldn't let a man who was identified from birth as male get away with it, someone who has transitioned shouldn't get away with it either - there's no difference, so there shouldn't be a difference in your response.  I would also not let him use this to try to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do (or want him to do, when it comes to intimacy outside of marriage).

Well said! I wish I had something to add to this but I believe you and Jackie have pretty much summed up everything I was thinking.

What it comes down to is standing your ground and being supportive of your relationship and wanting it and making him realize what it is he REALLY wants.

[lilacwoman]

I had to wait about three hours to be discharged from hospital this morning so I sat in the day room and read all the magazines and the number of mostly women but some men who have shown the door to a partner who wanted to explore was quite high - explorers don't provide a nice fulfilling relationship it seems.
ask the guy to get some therapy to sort out his problems and decide if you need to show him the door and get a better partner.

[marieangel]

Hi all. Just wanted to say thanks for your advice. I had lost direction and belief in my own values.

We have talked things through and are now on an open page. We both love each other. When I talk about exploring feelings, I didn't mean allowing him to cheat.  We know that to move forward he needs to accept that he is ftm and face up to the past. If within that it means he does not want to be with me, he knows that I will not stand for lies and deceit.

I think being honest and drank with each other has helped. I never knew 8 years ago that our relationship would be so complex and I have been ambleing along without providing the support he needed and vice versa.

Thanks again everyone. X 

[Jacquelyn]

Hi all. Just wanted to say thanks for your advice. I had lost direction and belief in my own values.

We have talked things through and are now on an open page. We both love each other. When I talk about exploring feelings, I didn't mean allowing him to cheat.  We know that to move forward he needs to accept that he is ftm and face up to the past. If within that it means he does not want to be with me, he knows that I will not stand for lies and deceit.

I think being honest and drank with each other has helped. I never knew 8 years ago that our relationship would be so complex and I have been ambleing along without providing the support he needed and vice versa.

Thanks again everyone. X

I am glad that you were able to talk things through Marie. If your partner needs to talk things through or needs an objective sounding board you could always direct him to Susan's or a similar site. If anything I think that he would benefit from seeing a gender therapist or a support group for TG people. If he hasn't come to terms with himself you are going to continue to have difficulties in your relationship.

I hope everything works out for you Marie.

Hugs!

Jackie