when you first start to come out to people

[Jeh]

I'm not out yet. I've passed on a few occasions but once I talk I ruin the illusion. The rest of the time I just plain don't pass.

But I haven't been able to make any friends at university. The only thing holding me back is that I'm trans and will likely start T this spring. There are some people who have started making friends with me, but I hold back because I feel like I'm lying by omission. They like me as [girlname]. I want them to like [boyname].

I'm out to a few people. My voice teacher and my choir teacher. My voice teacher offered to put me in contact with an FTM he knows, and my choir teacher asked me how to make the classroom as gender neutral as possible and she told me to come to her if I needed to talk.

I decided to take the first step in changing things and coming out, so I'm asking all of my teachers to start calling me [boyname]. Several girls who sit around me in choir are being nice to me and I'd like to be friends. They're sharing cupcakes with me and convincing me to come along to social events, and while I'm bad at recognizing intentions and friendships I think this means there's friendship potential.

I asked my choir teacher for advice in coming out to these girls, since she's awesome like that. I need to come out to one of them because she's my TA and I need to ask her to call me [boyname]. My teacher said to be honest about being reluctant to come out to them because this girl might have some advice, and that if I'm patient and open I might be surprised by people's compassion.

So I sent this girl a short e-mail informing her that I was asking all of my teachers to call me [boyname], because I was transgendered. I also tagged on a bit telling her that I've only been telling teachers but that I wanted to tell the girls we hang out with at choir but didn't know how.

I sent it this afternoon, and now I'm waiting for an answer and panicking every time I hear my e-mail chime.

I know eventually people will find out even if I don't come out to them, and the only people I really care about are these three or four people who have been friendly. I want to come out to them so that we can be friends without me feeling like I'm holding back, but I'm waiting to see how this girl reacts first.

What do I do if this girl doesn't answer? I'm so worried that she'll take offense and stop talking to me. How did you handle when you first started to come out to people? did it get less scary?

[Al James]

Ive been in the lucky? position of only having to come out to people who have known me for ages so i was spared the getting to know someone and tell them at the same time bit. But even tho most people just nodded and asked me what had taken so long, actually telling them doesnt get any less scary. Maybe once i'm on T and people can see the changes for themselves it might be easier but right now i still have to work up to telling people

[Alexmakenoise]

I remember when I was at the point in coming out where you are now.  I had a lot of the same thoughts, including that feeling of deceiving people - not being able to be the girl they expected me to be.  It made me shy and reluctant to open up to anyone.  So people thought I was boring. 

When I did start opening up to people, everything started to get better.  When you're open about things that are hard to talk about, people tend to respect your courage.  You also become a more interesting person in the eyes of other people.  And of course it's a great relief to be seen for who you really are.  Personally, I'd rather be rejected for who I really am than accepted for seeming like something I'm not.  But, realistically, being confident enough to open up to people makes you a more likable person.  There will always be people who choose to reject you for their own random reasons, but I think you'll see that after you come out, it'll be easier to form friendships that are genuine and lasting.

It does get less scary.  I have a lot of respect for the way you're coming out to people.  I took a much slower, easier route.  I started with close friends and waited until it came up naturally in conversation (like: them - "Well, you know you're not like most other girls." me - "Yeah, I don't even see myself as a girl.  In fact, I might transition.").  Once I had support from a core group of people, it was easy to come out to people I didn't know as well.  I would have found it challenging to begin the coming out process by talking to teachers and classmates about it.  If it got easier for me, it'll definitely get easier for you!

Good luck with everything!  And if your TA takes a while to write back, don't get too scared.  It's likely she's never had to respond to an email like that before, so she might need some time to find the right words.  It sounds like you're off to a good start.

[Jeh]

Thanks. I kind of foreshadowed my coming out a bit by changing my facebook name to malename and the picture to one of me as close to guy mode as I can get, before Christmas. No one has said anything, so far, except one person messaged me to ask why I changed my name. I told her. And the three people that I really care how they react all have me on facebook. One of them used to be my accompanist, and he just dropped me, telling me he didn't have time. I don't know if that has anything to do with the name change. Also, the second girl I just asked to be my new accompanist and she never answered. I'll ask her in person on Monday when I see her. But I don't know if getting a message from malename weirded her out. The third girl is the one I've just e-mailed.

I hope you're right about people respecting my courage. I hope opening up to these people helps instead of hindering.

I know she might take some time to get back to me, but waiting for a response is so hard!

[Alexmakenoise]

Yes, I think you will find that a lot of people will respect your courage.  However, it could be rough going at the start.  When you come out, it causes people to see you differently.  You might lose some friends who accepted you for the way they saw you before but, for whatever reason, can't deal with you being trans.  Some may come around in time.  They may just be reacting to their own fear of the unknown, so once they get used to you being trans, and see that you're still the same person, they may well start acting like friends again. 

You'll probably gain new friends after coming out too, and get closer to people you weren't especially close with before.  Some people will be drawn to you because they'll respect that you're bravely doing something unusual in order to be true to yourself.

In the end, you'll know that the people who like you like you for who you really are, which is SO much better than that feeling of not being completely honest with people, and being expected to be some girl you're not.

I hope it all goes well.

[FolkFanatic]

I don't make friends easily - i'm more of a sit back and let things happen kind of guy - so i don't have any "new friends"  or "potential friends" to come out to.

But i did have a few close friends i had to tell and i told them long before i told my folks. I basically sat them down and outright told them that i'd been doing some serious thinking and i've decided that i was going to transition. All of my friends where/are supportive and none of them where at all surprised (well, they where a bit but they confided to me that they knew something was up and got over it quickly enough.) Most of my friends are actually asking me "when can i start calling you Justin?" now.

Unfortunately that won't be for a while since i'm still living with my folks, who are not supportive in the least. >_<

It's very difficult to make new friends while you're transitioning - at least in the beginning when you don't quite pass as male, especially when you speak (i have that problem too, BTW, i can pass in some situations but if i open my big mouth then it all goes out the window). The key is to be as honest as you can if you see potential friendship in a person. Explain your fears. If the person you're talking to is in any way not supportive or open then you'll know right off that maybe this person isn't going to be a good friend anyway - as harsh as it may sound, there ARE other people out there to befriend!

It gets easier as time goes. Eventually, when you're on T and really starting to pass, you won't have to worry about saying "hey i'm transitioning" - you'll just be able to introduce yourself as, well, yourself. At that point it's up to you if you want to tell friends that you're transitioning.

Good luck!

[Marcelo Caetano]

I got out from a therapy session where I finally had realized what I really was.
So I run and told my best friend like 20 minutes later, and she was fine with that, like it wasn't a big deal.
I started to talk with some friends about what I was feeling and I got some advices.
All my friends were really cool about that, I didn't have any kind of troubles with them, even when some them sounded a little bit scared about how my life was going to be.
At the end of all that, I guess I was really blessed!