ftm transitioning and sex drive

[helios502]

Hello all, I am new (this is my first post!) and I am wondering if you can help. I am bio-female, and have been with my (f) partner for 13 years; a long time ago we identified as lesbian, but that started to not make any sense due to the trans stuff a while ago. We are legally married as a same sex couple and have a young son (which my partner gave birth to). My partner recently decided to transition, which is not all that surprising since she's always had a bit of the gay man in her. She had chest surgery last month, which went great, and is going on T in a few weeks. All this is fine with me, and doesn't change my love for her (probably soon to be 'him,' but she is still using the female pronoun.). The thing that is freaking me out though is she has zero interest in me sexually, none whatsoever. She says she's sexually 'dormant' now, due to all the transitioning. This complete lack of sexual interest (in me) is highly unusual, as we have always had a very healthy and very queer sex life. At the same time, I know she's actively creating a gay male self, which we've talked about. To get to the main point, even though she says she loves me and wants to be with me forever (we have a very strong relationship), I am worried that she's transitioning into a 100% gay man, and will lose interest in me sexually, forever. And if that happens, I don't see us lasting, since I need the sexual connection to happen. She says she's just exploring this important part of her, and that she still also desires me, and that I need to be patient. It's just that she doesn't want to have sex with me now, as too much is going on. Does this ring true for you all? Or do you think she's not facing the music that she's en route to becoming a gay man, and not bi or whatever else the label might be? I am feeling very, very insecure, and am trying hard to be supportive, put on no pressure, and give her the space she needs. But I worry I see the writing on the wall that she's not willing to read, due to all the pain and disruptions this would mean. But I don't know how long I can hang on in this weird nurse/roommate/->-bleeped-<-hag tole. This has been going on since she decided to have surgery in August.  Thanks for all your insight; I really appreciate it. Helios

[JennaLee]

I'm mtf, but I'm sure others will speak up.  What I gather is that once she is on T you may have the opposite problem. 

But, talking to her and trying to understand where she is at is always good.

[marieangel]

Hi. Certainly pounds like there is a lot going on. My hubby identified as lesbian before transition and then as straight, which is when we met. Now over 10 years on he is feeling confused since phalloplasty and wondering if 'once gay, always gay'.

We are going through a rough emotional journey now because he never accepted the transition, just that he was trapped in wrong body. I can't answer about the sex drive because his has disappeared post op, yet largely think that is to do with trying to work out his identity. I guess no two people are the same and whilst hormones can influence sex drive, it is largely to do with mind set and desires.

Talk it through and resolve to support each other, as this is a two way thing.

Good luck. X

[cynthialee]

I am worried that indeed the writing may indeed be on the wall.

But there is a glimer of hope....
Once he starts T he is likely to become a very horney boy.

My wife is an androgyn. Hir female side is a lesbian and hir male side is a gay male. Yes it can be confusing but it has its moments.

Before Sevan went on T ze was much less sexually interested. Now.... yeah no issues there what so ever. 

Many of us transfolks have a shifting/altering of sexual orientation after HRT. I was no exception. (started bisexual with a preferance for males, now I am bisexual with a preferance for females.)

So my advise for now is wait and see.