ftm transitioning and sex drive

[helios502]

Hello all, I am new (this is my first post!) and I am wondering if you can help. I hope you don't mind me poking in here, as I am a SO. I am bio-female, and have been with my (f) partner for 13 years; a long time ago we identified as lesbian, but that started to not make any sense due to the trans stuff a while ago. We are legally married as a same sex couple and have a young son (which my partner gave birth to). My partner recently decided to transition, which is not all that surprising since she's always had a bit of the gay man in her. She had chest surgery last month, which went great, and is going on T in a few weeks. All this is fine with me, and doesn't change my love for her (probably soon to be 'him,' but she is still using the female pronoun.). The thing that is freaking me out though is she has zero interest in me sexually, none whatsoever. She says she's sexually 'dormant' now, due to all the transitioning. This complete lack of sexual interest (in me) is highly unusual, as we have always had a very healthy and very queer sex life. At the same time, I know she's actively creating a gay male self, which we've talked about. To get to the main point, even though she says she loves me and wants to be with me forever (we have a very strong relationship), I am worried that she's transitioning into a 100% gay man, and will lose interest in me sexually, forever. And if that happens, I don't see us lasting, since I need the sexual connection to happen. She says she's just exploring this important part of her, and that she still also desires me, and that I need to be patient. It's just that she doesn't want to have sex with me now, as too much is going on. Does this ring true for you all? Or do you think she's not facing the music that she's en route to becoming a gay man, and not bi or whatever else the label might be? I am feeling very, very insecure, and am trying hard to be supportive, put on no pressure, and give her the space she needs. But I worry I see the writing on the wall that she's not willing to read, due to all the pain and disruptions this would mean. But I don't know how long I can hang on in this weird nurse/roommate/->-bleeped-<-hag tole. This has been going on since she decided to have surgery in August.  Thanks for all your insight; I really appreciate it. Helios

[Nero]

Hi Helios and welcome to Susan's!

It seems like most guys report an increase in sex drive, though that's not always the case. I suppose having surgery and all the bodily changes could make someone turned off from doing anything for awhile. There's a lot going on and your partner suddenly has a new body physically and chemically. People may react differently to that. Maybe he suddenly feels shy.

But I'm not sure I understand what you mean by your partner 'actively creating a gay male self.' Is your partner expressing interest in being with men or is this just a sort of camp flavor they've got going?

[xAndrewx]

Welcome to the site Helios 

I second what Forum Admin said. Everyone person is different so it's hard to say but I've heard of some cases where although a guys libido goes up through transition the dysphoria gets worse for a while decreasing their interest in anything sex related for a while. Just give him time would be my advice. But I'm also curious what you mean by him creating his gay self...

[M.Grimm]

I suggest giving your partner a little more time. Transition can feel chaotic and I know that when I had my top surgery it really, really, REALLY killed my sex drive while I recovered from it. I don't know if it was a side effect of anaesthesia, or just my body recovering from surgical trauma, or simply some kind of mental exhaustion. Once I got on T (about a month after surgery) that turned around completely and my sex drive returned within a week of starting hormone therapy.

So, similarly, it may just be the upheaval that has cooled your partner down. Transition can be a very intense and self-focused (and self-centered) time. Supporting someone through this is difficult because of that, and I think it is great that you've stuck by your partner. Good luck to you, to both of you, and I hope things turn around.

[helios502]

Dear everyone, thank you SO much for your thoughtful and helpful comments. I especially needed to hear the info about what's going on with and post-surgery. An answer to the gay male self question: yes, my partner does consider herself partially gay male (bottom), and we've been talking about her not just thinking about it, but doing something about it too--eg, opening up our monogomous relationship for some gay sex encounters for "her." (She is still preferring that pronoun btw). This frankly scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me--but I also feel like how could she not follow through after all this? That would seem so cruel to somehow bar that. But I have a lot of work to do to not feel jealous. So you can perhaps see why this has been tough: two conversations happening at the same time--one, her having sex with gay men; two, her not having a sex drive in general, or for me in particular. But we did have sex last night, and it was pretty great. Her chest is spectacular. I have to say, I thought I was queer before, this is a new level. Anyway, I feel like I need to be patient and not freak, and see what happens with the T. If she's not into ->-bleeped-<-ing me when on T, then I know we don't have a shot. So to speak. But chances are she'll want to be doing everything, and just so long as one of the objects of desire, I think i will be OK. I think. Thanks for listening, Helios (PS, M. Grimm, is that the Arrow Shirt Collar man?)

[M.Grimm]

Yes it IS, helios! I'm a huge Leyendecker fan, and it is indeed one of his illustrations for Arrow Shirt Collars. Good eye.

And again, I wish you both luck.

[xAndrewx]

opening up our monogomous relationship for some gay sex encounters for "her." (She is still preferring that pronoun btw).

Sorry I read bio female trans person and totally assumed. Sorry!