I put this topic here because I figured it safer. I am going to talk about my whole trans status among other things and didn't want it out in "public".
MODS: Feel free to move it.
Perhaps it's this mess they call a period that has been making me feel so down lately, it usually does, but despite that I am just so depressed. I just want my life to be over with already. Not ending it, but more being done with all the changes I need to make so that I can just finally cozy up into society and settle.
I am about to move out and that means my name change. Finally! I cannot wait for that to come. Though what I could wait to come would be coming out to my parents. I would much prefer just leaving them out of the loop, but I can't do that to them. I worry far too much about how they'll react. The name means so much to me because it will mean not having to hide things anymore, not having to lie about things to people at work who happen a chance by my real name (which hardly happens fortunately) and actually being more confident in myself. A name holds such significance in life that I always need to panic. It'll be one more thing behind me.
Soon after this I hope to start therapy. I don't have to take this route, but rather I would prefer to take it. I just want to make sure that this is the right option. I feel within myself the strongest desires and the I have the greatest hopes, but I would like someone excluded from these feelings to agree with me via professional opinion. After this or even during, whenever I finally decide and feel comfortable, I can start HRT. Will that not be my happiest day yet? Perhaps not as fantastic as when I save up enough for chest surgery, but close.
I feel as though my dysphoria is just getting worse. Things that haven't taken such a toll are beginning to creep their way into my fears. I have thoughts to wear my packer always, specifically at work and in public. I feel like everyone knows what's in my pants and so I need to make sure the right thing is there. I need a new binder because my gift from Jamie-O is well worn and losing it's talent. I fear that the rolling it's starting to do and the puffing it's making from the head hole shows more often than not and it's giving people thoughts. I fear that I'm growing too old for my looks and people are getting suspicious. I feel as though I'm getting more "she/her" from guests at work than I have been because of my voice which has been my most androgynous, if not completely male, feature.
I just would like an end. A completion of who I am. Testosterone seems to be the remedy for most of the fears I have and I know that while it won't make me happy in itself, it will relieve me of these doubts/fears/anxieties by giving me the puberty I've been waiting for.
I think I'm done now. Thank you for reading if you happened to take the time.
