to tell or not to tell...

[JustAlex]

So I've been thinking about telling two of my friends about my current gender confusion. These are friends I usually trust with my problems and have been very supportive in the past. The thing is, I know I need to get help to figure things out for myself and to deal with my feelings. But I also thought it would be nice to have some friends knowing about it and hopefully supporting me. And it also feels like I need to talk to someone, otherwise I feel like I'm going to burst.
But then I'm really scared, that by telling them, things might change. For some reason, when things are out, they also tend to get more real (if that makes any sense...). And I'm afraid, that their perception of me might change. I always presented as a girl, since after lost arguements I finally gave in and tried to accept my fate. So telling them, that there always has been a part inside me, who was male, might come quite as a shock to them. I'm also afraid that this might change our friendship. But then after what I've read here, friends tend to be supportive...

So should I tell them or may be wait and get help and talk to them, after things have been more clarifying for me? Some thoughts or experiences on that would be greatly appreciated. 

[Arch]

It seems to me like you might benefit from therapy--it doesn't sound like you're seeing anyone. If nothing else, you would at least be sharing your feelings with another person IRL, and you might get some very good tailored advice about how to handle your friends. Or if you live in a fairly large city, you might be able to find support groups.

I'm also thinking that if you're not sure about who you are--if you're in a state of confusion--you might want to work it out with someone else before you bring your friends into it.

There are ways of testing the waters--you might "happen" to be reading a trans autobiography and want to talk about it, something like that. But if you're not good at that kind of pretend game, they might see through you.

You can always come here for support, but I guess it's not the same as knowing that your long-standing, real-life friends accept and support you.

[JustAlex]

Thank you for your responses.

Perlita, it's good to hear, that people around you were supportive and accepting. About your male co-workers/good friends: it's kinda sad that you've been avoiding them. Seems like something did change, even though it might only be you "making it up", but still...

Arch, I also think I might benefit from therapy. I actually found a support group and I do want to get in contact. I just thought it's nice to have some back-up from friends. Nothing against this forum, it's great, it's probably just because I'm new here and around forums in general...
But yeah, I'll guess I wait a bit and get in contact with the support group first.

[Arch]

Alex, I know that Internet support is not the same as real-life support--and nothing can substitute for knowing that your current friends are on your side. If you're worried about how they will receive you, I suggest that you start testing the waters with them to see how they feel about trans stuff in general. In the meantime, try support groups and see if therapy does anything for you.

Of course, this is the slow path and could drive you nuts.

You could always write down your feelings, craft a nice letter, and test it out on people here--then go for broke with your friends. Might save you a lot of agony. Squirming on a hook is no fun. Do you have any idea how they feel about trans or LGBT stuff?

[JustAlex]

I don't really know how they think about trans or LGBT stuff, but they're really open-minded persons in general and usually not judgemental, that's why I chose them. But testing the waters sounds like a good idea. And who knows, maybe slower is better in the end.

I'll also keep your suggestion about testing things out here in mind.

Thanks, you've been a great help!

[regan]

Those first baby steps are with people you either totally trust not to freak out about it, or you don't care when they do.

[japple]

I think just being willing to tell is huge.  You can assure yourself that you'll talk about it if it comes up.  I've had people ask me if I'm trans, and a lot of people assume I'm gay so that' opened the conversation up.   It's also come up with politics. "why do you care about gay marriage so much?"

It's easier if it's a natural part of a conversation  like "oh, I like ice cream too!" rather than a deep heavy "I just gotta get this out..weep." moment.  If it's natural, you can talk about it in a comfortable way and the other people can see that you're comfortable..which makes them comfortable. 

Another thing to consider it to talk about it in general ways.  I forget that people don't always know what "trans" means or they assume that you're going to show up a completely different silly-looking person one day.   So "I have always had gender issues." or "I have always felt that I would be happier living more as a _____" works pretty well.   You'd be surprised how many people who aren't trans can related. Several CIS feminine women have said stuff like "when I was little I wanted to be a prince, not a princess."  "when I was little I wanted to do what my brother did."    I found out one guy I know is a cross-dresser for sex and buys bras and panties to hold.   While not the same, these tiny relatable gender-y experiences can make people really empathetic and supportive.

Being willing to be honest and open is huge.

[Arch]

Those first baby steps are with people you either totally trust not to freak out about it, or you don't care when they do.

True, and it can suck when you want to come out to someone who is NOT like this, but you don't really have the practice of dealing with the "easier" people. Maybe Alex can practice on a few people he doesn't care about? (That sounds terrible now that I look at it, but maybe it's a viable idea.)

[Naari]

Hi JustAlex =) I can relate to your concerns as I have recently been coming out to people and what I consider to be the planet at large. Concerning people that I actually have relationships with, it has generally been to people that I already considered very close and open minded. I have also come out to most of my family. However there are a couple of friends that I have that I just cannot figure out what to do.

One is a friend since my early teens. He is male. He has expressed things before that I feel could be both transphobic and homophobic. One might wonder why that in itself did not sever our friendship, but it did not. Since we became friends under sort of false pretenses I have been hesitant to drop it just like that. I actually care for this individual and I love him. I have always made it a point not to allow myself to say anything at all relating to the fact I have considered myself trans most of our friendship. We do not hang out all the time. Maybe 4-5 times a month. We have both been into music for some time and that is usually what we are doing. Jamming. We also talk at lengths sometimes about philosophical things. He is very progressive as I am in many regards but I am not sure he is progressive about my situation. Since I have decided to transition and therefore will not be able to keep it from him any longer if we are to remain visible to each other, I have reached a dilemma.

Considering that he is possibly phobic, I have concluded that I have 2 choices. I can drop ties with him altogether and just never see him again, or I can tell him flat out. I have a strong urge to tell him flat out. One that I am not sure I can fight much longer. I have an idea he will no longer want to hang out or see me, etc. However, I don't really know if that is the case and I guess I will not know unless I do tell him. Lately he seems to be more open minded than ever before as we have discussed many things recently that gives me a different feeling about his phobias, if his phobias ever truly existed and are not a front, or something I have projected onto him. I have yet to mention anything about myself in that regard.

I wish I could actually give some advice but as you can see I can only relate and have not come up with a solution with this particular individual. It is quite difficult to reach a decision but I don't think I will be able to just end the friendship. I mean now that I am thinking about it in order to write this post, he is going to be gone no doubt if I drop ties with him. At least there is a possibility of us remaining in each other's life if I tell him flat out. That should be the solution obviously, I guess. That being said, I am not going to call him up right now and tell him. I still don't know what I will do.

I hope you come to a decision and I hope everything works out for the best in your situation. I know it is difficult.

[JustAlex]

It's easier if it's a natural part of a conversation  like "oh, I like ice cream too!" rather than a deep heavy "I just gotta get this out..weep." moment.  If it's natural, you can talk about it in a comfortable way and the other people can see that you're comfortable..which makes them comfortable. 

Even if it's natural, I think I'll still be quite uncomfortable. I'm not good talking about my emotions in general. I actually thought about writing an e-mail explaining my recent thoughts and feelings. It seems easier to me. Plus it doesn't force a direct answer from my friends, by that they have the chance to take their time thinking about it as well.

True, and it can suck when you want to come out to someone who is NOT like this, but you don't really have the practice of dealing with the "easier" people. Maybe Alex can practice on a few people he doesn't care about? (That sounds terrible now that I look at it, but maybe it's a viable idea.)

The problem I see in that idea is that I do care to much what other people think about me, so even if people I don't care about freak out, I'd care... So I'd rather come out to people I care about and are more likely not to freak out.

@ Naari: Thanks for sharing your thoughts. About your friend, I don't know how he expressed his trans-/homophobia, but I think in some cases (or from my experience), some people seemed to be scared of things they actually don't know about or just have heard about and came to their conclusions. So maybe your friend changes his views, cause he knows and also likes your company. If I understood correctly you see yourself faced with one outcome: you break ties and never see him again or you tell him and you think he might not want to see you again. It seems to me you have nothing to lose (which is always easier said, than it is in real life...). But if you think breaking ties with him... I'd rather tell him and since he seemed more open-minded recently, maybe you'll get a positive outcome.

But yes, it's still difficult. I met one of the friends I'm thinking about telling yesterday by coincidence in a bus. We haven't seen each other in a while and she asked me, if I was fine, and I said yes, but she didn't believe me, I could tell. She even wrote me later that day, to ask, if everything is really fine, since she had the impression, it was not. And she was right, I'm not really fine. So now even more, I'm thinking about telling her the real reason why I'm upset, she seemed really worried and I don't like going on lying about it...

[japple]

Even if it's natural, I think I'll still be quite uncomfortable. I'm not good talking about my emotions in general. I actually thought about writing an e-mail explaining my recent thoughts and feelings. It seems easier to me. Plus it doesn't force a direct answer from my friends, by that they have the chance to take their time thinking about it as well.

I understand that for sure.  I think the reality of it is good though.  To face those fears.  Plus, when people ask questions it might help you get answers.  Sometimes things sound really dumb when you say them out loud or you might say "I don't know" when you really don't and you can explore that later.  It's good to get out of your own head and digital communication only has an illusion of getting out of your own head.

I am really against the mass email thing or status update for myself.  I know it'll be easy and freeing but I also know there is a bit of emptiness to it.  You're still going to have to talk to your friends at some point.  They're going to say "hey..about that uh...email you sent."  You're still going to wonder what they're thinking. You're not going to see the look of disgust or joy or empathy on their faces.

One of the things that it's easy to fall into with being trans is shame and being unable to open up to people. You have this secret and you don't want to be judged for it.  Coming out isn't just about making people aware, it's about removing that secret and that potential shame so that you are able to interactive with people on a whole person / honest level.  You'll know that they like you for you...not for the role you're playing.  It's amazing.

[japple]

But yes, it's still difficult. I met one of the friends I'm thinking about telling yesterday by coincidence in a bus. We haven't seen each other in a while and she asked me, if I was fine, and I said yes, but she didn't believe me, I could tell. She even wrote me later that day, to ask, if everything is really fine, since she had the impression, it was not. And she was right, I'm not really fine. So now even more, I'm thinking about telling her the real reason why I'm upset, she seemed really worried and I don't like going on lying about it...

PERFECT. That's the person to tell.  Get together and talk. Write her and tell her you could use her support and then go someplace during the day and chat.

[regan]

I am really against the mass email thing or status update for myself.  I know it'll be easy and freeing but I also know there is a bit of emptiness to it.  You're still going to have to talk to your friends at some point.  They're going to say "hey..about that uh...email you sent."  You're still going to wonder what they're thinking. You're not going to see the look of disgust or joy or empathy on their faces.

I'd add to that, from my own experiences, of course everyone is going to react differently which in turn means they will have different questions, concerns, you name it.  Invite them out for coffee, despite it being a public place, there's privacy in numbers - no one but you and this other person are going to really hear your conversation.  Its also a bit more free to allow one or both of you to get up and leave (versus dinner, etc) if the disclosure doesn't go well.  When you invite them out, tell them you want to talk about something "important" with them, if you don't it will leave the door open for you to chicken out.

On some level this is their transition as well as it is yours, let them know there are resources out there for them, but don't send them home with homework.  Maybe promise a follow up e-mail with a list of resources attached.

Lastly, know that once you come out to the first person, it is like watching a dam fail.  It likely won't be a catastrophic failure, but news travels fast.  Therefore, tell the person you trust the most to not say anything to anyone else, but know that you only have so long before they end up saying or doing something to out you further.

[JustAlex]

So, I did tell my friend! And I considered doing that in person after your posts, which are really convincing, but I finally just wrote an email. I again went debating with myself and just thought, 'if I don't do it now, I'll postpone it again.' Maybe I needed this first step, to break the dam, to also tell others - in person. With this friend it always has been different, we've mostly discussed important things via emails and then it also got easier talking about it in person. As I said, I'm not good in talking about my problems and feelings.

Anyway she took it really, really well. She was grateful that I had shared all my feelings with her and she offered her support. That makes me very happy. 

[japple]

Congratulations! It's brave. Baby steps.