Hello everyone. First time here on the forums although I've spent a little time in the chat. The following will be fairly personal and I hope that I am not crossing any lines of decorum. I'm a 21 year old college student (Theatre Arts/English double major) who has struggled with gender identity in spurts since I was younger. I remember moments when I was much younger where there were flashes/feelings of wanting to be a girl and I remember being jealous of my sister for doing gymnastics and my female cast mates costumes. I started crossdressing a bit when I was around 14 and in junior high but after being sort of found out by my mother, I buried that deep down for a long time with only a few moments here or there where I was able I sneak it it.
This summer, I really was conscious of my gender confusion for the first time in a long time. It was the first time I really understood that "trapped" feeling people talk about but again, I sort of brushed it aside until a little while ago where I finally got a little bolder I tried putting on makeup for the first time a few weeks ago and was a little more earnest with my crossdressing. Felt very freeing and so here I am, looking for resources and just anyone to talk with. I'm planning on going to a gender specialist either in the city of my college or back home soon but I have to finish a really stringent rehearsal process first to have the time to do so. I'm really worried that in doing so, I'll end up revealing things to my family. Mom is very open minded but I worry about Dad and Sis but I know I have to see a professional and hope I can do so discreetly. Want to find a friend to open up to but I have no clue how to gauge that type of thing. And rushing anything is a terrible idea since I enjoy the normalcy I have with my friend and family and upsetting that is terrifying.
The hardest part of this for me, and what I think is fueling my confusion most, is that I am still sexually attracted to women. And I know that there is stark difference between gender and sexuality but because the two seem so linked to me (in the sense that I do occasionally fantasize about being a woman because it also seems to be linked to truly claiming and expressing my sexual identity along with my gender identity). I hear the term ->-bleeped-<- and feel it
somewhat applies when it comes to these thoughts but I don't really buy the term because I feel like the fantasy is far more about intimacy which is expressive of who I feel I am rather than anything overtly base and crossdressing really lacks any fetishistic qualities for me in and of itself. But still my sexual thoughts muddy the waters sometimes and puts all sorts of doubt in my mind.
In all, I guess I'm just looking for some help taking the first steps down the road to real self discovery because that road looks really, really scary.
I rambled...Sorry.
