Meeting new people and Online Dating Sites.

[Epigania]

I'm sorry if this is off topic for this board.

Since I've started Estrogen, I've been feeling really good about myself.    I've stopped being so serious and down on life and have started to open my eyes and see that there's a future ahead of me.   Unfortunately, for the last 15 years, I'd convinced myself that I had to do everything alone with no one in my life.

The last few weeks, I've been feeling that needs to change.   I'm not much of a Bar type of person, because I don't drink alcohol or smoke.   So I'm at a loss on how I could possibly meet and date other people.  So I'm looking at online dating sites to see if I can get some people interested.

I'm Pan/Bi-sexual, but I find I'm more physically attracted to women than men.  I'm more interested in an emotional relationship than physical right now anyway.  (The Hormones haven't had enough time to do their magic that I'm totally happy with the body yet.)

Because the only dating site I've seen with Transgendered as a Gender Option is a Sex Matchmaking site, I'm finding I'm having a hard time fitting into the "normal" dating sites out there.  I've tried the "Compatible Partner's" site which is run by E-Harmony, but I'm not having much luck.  I can understand it, lesbians are attracted to women, and I'm sort of in a limbo right now.

So my question for you all who have had luck with online dating, where are you going?  Are you disclosing your Gender Situation in your profile?  When are you letting people know?   What sort of things should I avoid in the profile to get bites?

Any advise you guys can give, would be awesome.

[sneakersjay]

I have not had any luck disclosing vs not disclosing, or any real luck in general.  On the sites I was on where I disclosed, I had a few lesbians interested in me, until they had discovered that I was fully transitioned (besides, I'm gay and not into women).  Some men contacted me but thought I was MTF.

I have talked to a bunch of people via email, chat, and phone, but most times never get past the first date or even to a point where I can disclose, if I haven't already.

Just recently met someone who I thought we were going somewhere and was trying to figure out how to disclose, when he suddenly flaked.  So likely that will go no where other than maybe friends and I won't disclose.

No easy answers.  I think a lot of younger people meet a lot more pan/bi/genderqueer people than those in my age group (pushing 50) and may have more luck.  I've been disillusioned and jaded by online dating and don't put much faith in it.  Fun for meeting and chatting up with people, but found it's best to have ZERO expectations or I'm left feeling like sh*t.

I do know others have met people online and have dated for a good while or even married in a few cases.  I do think it's possible.  Here's hoping you have better luck than I do.


Jay

[Janet_Girl]

I have tried the dating sites, both Trans and the regular ones.  The Trans ones are just a meat market for fetish sex.  The others are alright, but if you disclose, they vanish quick.

That is why I stand by the fact that we should stay with our own kind, so to speak.

[Astarielle]

I have tried the dating sites, both Trans and the regular ones.  The Trans ones are just a meat market for fetish sex.  The others are alright, but if you disclose, they vanish quick.

That is why I stand by the fact that we should stay with our own kind, so to speak.

I feel that that attitude is part of the reason there is such a gap.

One part of many, but it's been bugging me. I won't go into detail, because that's not what this is about, but there seems to be an isolationist tendency with trans people. I'm not a typical transgirl, so I can't speak for everyone, but connections can only be made with patience. It reminds me of a story I enjoyed, with an Intersexed main character. One of his friends (He was identifying as a male, though due to school regulations had to present as female), gave him some good advice. I can't recall the exact quote, but it was something like let people get to know you, and they will naturally want to know more about you.

Eh, I'm going off on a tangent again. I've not had much experience with dating sites, as I don't really feel comfortable in that situation.

[sneakersjay]

I can't recall the exact quote, but it was something like let people get to know you, and they will naturally want to know more about you.

This is why I'm not particularly fond of disclosing up front (though I understand why people want to just get it out there).  I just want people to get to know ME as ME without pre-judging me based on what they assume about trans people.  I guess the optimist in me wants to believe that if someone truly cares about ME, then what is in my pants is secondary to that.

At this point in my life I would prefer to date a guy with a penis.  But knowing me, if I was dating a totally cool guy, and later found he was trans and had not had lower surgery, I would go with it, because I'm more into the person than the body part.  I do understand that some people have preferences and aversions and are not that adaptable.

Rambling thoughts from someone with lack of sleep....


Jay

[jmaxley]

I've had no luck at all with the online dating thing, and that's without even disclosing.  I tried a couple of trans sites but there was no one in my area.  I don't drink or smoke and don't care for the bar scene.  Also, I'm pre-everything, so most people aren't going to see me as a dude.  I have had several straight guys ask me out in real life but that's not what I'm looking for.

[Epigania]

So what I'm hearing so far is don't disclose and don't have high hopes ... that doesn't sound good.

What do you folks do to meet people if online dating isn't cutting it?

[Sean]

Lots of people don't find online dating to be fruitful, even if they are not trans. The best way to meet people continues to be meeting them in person - via introductions from friends & others in your social network or through shared activities (work, hobbies, etc). Even online, I think there is more potential for people who meet through a site devoted to a shared interest, as opposed to a dating site.

I think being trans/disclosing is a separate issue, but if you don't meet people of quality to date, you don't have anyone to disclose to anyway.

[Nygeel]

I'm on one dating site right now. I was on maybe 5 or so. OKCupid is the site I'm on, now. I've been on there for over a year and a half. Originally I posted only pictures of me with a beard (spirit gum and crepe wool) and didn't say anything about being trans but noted that I was very supportive of the LGBT community. I didn't get much of any hits with that. I re did my profile and wrote that I was trans. Then I re did it with pictures of myself as I am. Now it says that and says at the very end that I'm trans.

It's been pretty consistently filled with nothingness. Over the years I've sent maybe 400 messages and received maybe 5 replies...met 3 people. It's not so great but it's one of the few sites that allows for the "bisexual" option.

[spacial]

I've never used a dating agency myself. But it seems to me that anyone who does has some idea in their mind about the sort of person they are looking for.

But I wonder if some people here might have better luck going to one of the more reputable places where they actually ask you things like, are you transgender?

These may cost a bit more. But what is the point in paying small amounts, repeatedly, knowing you are going to be disappointed? When for a decent fee, you can meet someone who has said they are open to dating a transgender person and has some intelegence to boot?

[Rachel Bellefountaine]

I got on Plenty of Fish about 2 years ago and put in there that I am trans and they deleted my account without warning or explanation.   So be it.

They did the same thing to me. I didn't think anything of it, though, until you mentioned this. Well, good to know I was banned just for being honest about who I am.