Hell hath no fury like that TS feeling scorned!

[melissa42013]

I had read once in a book (before the internet, and a long time ago so I may be misinformed on this) that the transsexual feeling never goes away and that it can only get worse over time.

I thought this wasn't true for me, I denied it, tried to rationalize it away, but here I am at 37 year old and two months into hormones..............

So did I just set myself up for a self fulfilling prophecy, find a way to justify what I want to do, or is this a common thing for transsexuals.

My assumption is that it is true and I just put bandages over it for years. The bandage of a job, marriage, kids, etc following the lines of what society and my family wanted for me.

So now in order to transition if that is what I have to do I hade to shatter the foundations of all of those people around me. And that is not easy. So the decision I have to make is between those two lives and neither path is clear to me.

My thoughts for others younger than me and at a similar place in their lives is to give some serious thought to the pain of coming out now, or coming out much later.

I look forward to your thoughts and responses.

-M

[Janet_Girl]

While it maybe true that the Trans feeling never goes away, as we transition it does get quieter.

Some one once said.  "If you can do anything else to remain sane, do it.  If you are not prepared to lose everything, Don't Transition"

That does not mean you will lose everything but you have to be ready to do so.

This is not for the faint of heart.

[KillBelle]

Lol that's what i told my mother when i was laying in the hospital at 5 am, an hour before my surgery...i told her this is it. She asked me if i was sure, and i said, the choice all comes down to either death or this surgery...however painful it may be; i am not ready to die yet. =]

[moonrise]

Hi Melissa,

I read the same book at the same time as you!  I am also only about a month ahead of with the hormones.  Also like you, I'm about the same age and struggle with the same two options!  I've looked into and tried everything else, but nothing even came close to easing my GID except HRT.  With that said I can disagree with the statement   "If you can do anything else to remain sane, do it.  If you are not prepared to lose everything, Don't Transition".  Probably everyone here has tried to do just that but it puts us at a much higher risk of all kinds of other problems, even taking our own lives.  Often "doing anything to remain sane" includes drugs, it did for me. 

We are born with this, it does not go away, no matter what we do.  We can only struggle against it or accept it.  For myself I wish I could have accepted this years and years ago.  Doing anything everything else to avoid accepting this has only made it worse for me.  Kinda like making lie after lie to avoid telling the truth!  The truth will set us free and we have a brain opposite our bodies! 

Rylee

[Sandy]

Melissa:

In my case, that was exactly the way I felt.  I denied it for quite a long time, decades and decades.  I put everyones needs ahead of my own.  But it never went away, it always got worse.  It drove me to suicidal thoughts and actions.

My only cure was transition and surgery. 

It worked. 

-Sandy

[Jillieann Rose]

Melissa,
I fought the feelings for years.
But now at age 60 I am a year into HRT.
There's no way to fight it accept death.
And I am not going that way without a fight, even though I have had suicidal thoughts and a self hated for a long time.
So yes the book was right.
If you don't believe it than try to fight it and you will fined out.
As far as telling others, I am a risk to loose my marriage, my conservative Christian family and most of my friends.
But I got to do it.
Jillieann 

[Rosa]

There are different types of death as well, not only suicide, but that sort of living death where we can only say that we are merely existing, at best. 

[Jillieann Rose]

There are different types of death as well, not only suicide, but that sort of living death where we can only say that we are merely existing, at best. 

Yes, I call it the walking dead or Zombie Land.
I've been there and called it home for way too long.

[Cindy]

True I think.
But as Janet said think carefully. You need to accept that you MAY lose everything and everyone. You may not. I haven't and others at Susan's haven't, but each situation is different. Transitioning is a roller coaster that can be fun and is never dull. It is a lot easier with support, and we are here to support.

Cindy

[Tammy Hope]

So now in order to transition if that is what I have to do I hade to shatter the foundations of all of those people around me. And that is not easy. So the decision I have to make is between those two lives and neither path is clear to me.

your post is the path I walked. I suppressed, tried for two decades and more to "pray it away" and in good faith married a woman who built her whole life around me and fathered two sons.

Now I'm transitioning and facing the reality that I'm hurting her so bad (well, me and her bigotry about it) that it will end her life either physically or spiritually. And knowing that if i don't it will end mine.

This condition is potentially deadly to either me or her depending on what i do. how I wish I could say to every young person who's just reached adulthood and feel strongly they might be trans - DON'T get married!

Yes SOME of us get through it without great heartache, but it's not worth the risk.

[melissa42013]

I have to agree with you on not getting married. Give it some time and make sure she really really understands what she is getting into. I love my wife to death and we are still deeply in love. I never hid my desires from her so I felt like I did the right thing. She didn't fully appreciate theat I was serious about it (and I think we tend to think we can change people once we get married). And I honestly thought I could keep it under control despite reading in my early days that most cannot. I am a successfull person with good personal discipline and everything else that you would think would allow me to supress it. But I failed so now I need to accept it. Soif you are young and new to this learn from us older gals.

[melissa42013]

Perlita,
That sucks. I would have to say that she never thought I would transition and I told myself I could hold it back. So really, in that regard, she would be justified in leaving me. But after a few months of this journey she tells me that she is going to stick with me so we'll have to see as the reality sets in.

I live in the SouthEast USA and am self employed so in some regards it is easier. The biggest down side is that I interact with thousands of people a month and run into someone who knows me virtually every where I go. So in that regard it is tough. Plus, this being the South, there are a lot of prejudices and that could cost my business to the local competition. (I have these fears in my mind of the conversations they would have about it.)

I have to say though, that if your avatar pict is real, wow! How did you do that without E? Any just my humble opinion, take the E as even a low dose (which I am on) will make you feel so much better. Your brain is craving it and won't give up till you give it to it.

-M