need some advice about a "friend" [warning: long^^]

[Clay]

backstory: i was friends with this guy a few years ago. he kinda came in the package with my boyfriend, and after initial rivalry and envy, we became really close, and i'd say he was my best friend at that time, we really had this thing where we always knew each others thoughts etc.
all went well for 3 years or so, but then he began to struggle. lost his job, lost his place. we did what we could to help him, i got him a job at my workplace, we let him stay in my boyfriends flat, helped him with bureaucrazy. but all that wasn't enough, seemingly.

he met a girl online, nice chick and very supportive too. he decided to move in with her, other city far away.
he didn't tell us until 2 days before he planned to move. in fact, he didn't tell us. i heard it from a workmate.
so we had a big, ugly confrontation, in which i told him, that we had fully supported his wish for a clean start, but were very hurt that he didn't tell us.
(i suppose he was scared of our reaction, because he never was much of a "strong" person.) he flat out told me he felt we didn't care for him.
that moment something snapped, and i just had to leave. dunno what happened after that, but my boyfriend kicked him out of his flat. he passed me by on the street and we briefly looked at each other and mumbled some goodbyes (it even rained. it was storybook-dramatic).
and that was the last i heard from him.

<<<fast forward a few years>>>

some time ago, he moved back in my area. seems to be doing good, started school again, has a flat with his new girlfriend...etc.
now he found me on facebook and sent me a note. tells me how he is sorry, and that he was having a rough time, that he spent some time in a hospital and that he's now on some head-meds (that's how he put it^^) and regrets so many things he has done. tells me how he misses us and asks if there's a chance he could be part of our lives again.

i took a little while, thinking. i still feel such intense pain.
when i got my feelings sorted, i replied. told him that i'd be happy to stay in touch.
resolve some issues and carefully try to get together. i said he shouldn't expect too much, or at least not too fast.
and now? it's months again since i heard from him.
i really don't know what to do with this. i don't know if i scared him again, or if he changed his mind or whatever.
but then, why would he contact me in the first place? tell me all this things that surely aren't easy for him to say?


i just don't know. should i put any effort in this? should i risk another kick in the nuts for the chance to reintroduce a special person to my life?
i just don't know.

i know there are some wise people round here (many of them with much more experience of life than i have), and i'd be grateful to hear some opinions from them.


[just fixed a hell of a lot typos]

[spacial]

Sounds like he was just a bit mixed up with his feelings. And I hate to say this, I think you were as well.

Now he contacts you to say sorry, which suggests that his behaviour was playing on his mind.

If I were in your situation, I'd take it on face value. He's apologised. That's the end of it.

But you may feel different.

[Robert Scott]

My initial thoughts were ... he has said he has been hospitalized before so maybe he is in the hospital again.

Overall...you extended the offer to reconnect ... when he is ready he will come back ... otherwise don't worry about it .. you did what you were emotionally capable of doing at the moment

[LordKAT]

is it possible that he heard you were badly hurt in your reply and don't want to hurt you again? or something to that effect.

[Alex37]

I'd wait for him to contact me at this point.  It's admirable that you want to help him, and since he has mental issues he probably can use the help, but take care of yourself first. 

As far as why he hasn't contacted you, as Rob and LordKat said, he could easily be in the hospital again (it can be difficult to contact people while in mental hospitals, especially if you weren't planning on being admitted) or he could just be scared of creating more pain for you.  I've struggled with depression for years, and I've done some ->-bleeped-<-ty things in a similar vain.  I'm not proud of it, and I understand why I lost some of the friends that I have.  I really didn't want to hurt anyone, but I just couldn't see past my own pain and force myself to be somewhat functional.  In my opinion, depression, anxiety, etc. isn't an excuse for creating more pain for someone else, regardless of how stuck the depressed person feels, but it can be incredibly difficult to move past that.  My point is, he may really really want to develop a healthy relationship with you, but he may be incapable of that at the moment.  It doesn't mean you should bend over backwards for him or anything; i'm just guessing that that may be where he's coming from.

good luck!

[Clay]

thank you all.... raised some points i just didn't think of before.