Scared of my female side!!

[shelly]

If this was yesterday or tomorrow i wouldnt be putting this on here,but right now i am all on my own as my wife and kids are away of visiting relatives so ive had the house to myself all day. Most days i like to get dressed up, but as i dont normally have much time to enjoy it i dont make that much of an effort, however at times like this i try a bit harder and right now i feel quite sick as i feel what i look like right now is the "real" me. Im sat here and half wishing i had not bothered as at times like this i cant say i really enjoy it as all i can do is look at the clock worry about how little time i have left to stay like this.

I felt the same when i had makeover done a few years back, seeing this girl look back at me in the mirror after he had finished just left me speechless, if i had died at that moment i would of done incredibly happy, but when it was all over all i could think about at the time was how i couldnt wait to look like that again, however after the months passed the thoughts of that day disappeared and in a way i was glad, as the more i look like her the more i want it, i guess just putting on a pair of leggins and a girly top is enough to take the edge off of being male on a daily basis without going to much into my female side, as to tell you the truth it seems like i have no control over her, which scares me!

[Pica Pica]

There seems to be two common routes from that point.

1) Integrate that female side into a cohesive androgyne identity (either by negating all genders (neutrois), having male and female personae (bigender) or through fluid genders, third sex - whatever).

Or

2) Accept her, to the extent that she becomes you and thus go down the TS MtF route.

I've seen both work for people.

[shelly]

2) Accept her, to the extent that she becomes you and thus go down the TS MtF route.

Started going down that route 20 years ago then stopped and never regretted it and even how much right now i would like to stay the way i look, i wouldnt in a million years consider having SRS. I just feel like i have just  set off one of my GID triggers and all i can do is just go with the flow, no matter how much i dont like having no control over the situation......stop the planet, i want to get off.

[Sevan]

There are no easy answers in this Shelly. FOr that, I'm sorry. GID can just sprout up at any point...for any reason, sometimes from triggers that aren't normally triggers! Tough stuff this.
Keep talking, we'll keep listening.

[Pica Pica]

True, those routes were common, not required.

[Kinkly]

There have been Times when I've felt like presenting as me felt very addictive and that was rather scary both because I was told that looking like that would cause me to get bashed and because I didn't know how far I would need to go always wanting to do more then I was totally comfortable with
I'm now at a point where I'm mostly comfortable being me full time, but any time I need to conform, it is somewhat a living hell so I only conform when I must and there is a reason to. She was very scary before I understood what she was and how much she wanted to be seen, he was also scary when she went too far now they work together to do everything I need but it is not nice when they disagree.

[justmeinoz]

Apart from the breast forms and shoes you could be a member of a 70's Glam Rock band, so why not go with it.     I told the few people who actually noticed I was wearing Mascara at work, that I was  long term Bowie fan, and nothing more was said.
  Maybe you could rekindle an interest in that as far as others are concerned.  Here in Australia the  60's hung on until the 70's anyway, so the best music is from that time anyway!

[Virginia]

She was very scary before I understood what she was and how much she wanted to be seen

Be afraid, very afraid. Thirty plus years of suppressing her, my female half came out like a lion threatening to take over. It took a year of therapy and a transition level HRT regimen to see I was not transsexual. Hell hath no furry like woman scorned, but she is my weaker self. I would NEVER risk suppressing my male half.

[Eva Marie]

I've had troubles recently with my female side popping out and causing chaos. Luckily i had a friend recognize the road that i was headed down and he spun me around and showed me where i was going - down the path to ruin. I was putting my career and my marriage at risk, and about to engage in some activities that would not be a good idea for me.

She is totally intoxicating, and wonderful, and sexy..... and powerful, and dangerous, too. I was under her spell.

Now there is an uneasy truce with my female side; i'm not as naieve as to believe my gid is cured, but we coexist peacefully at the moment.

Pay attention to your female side, and be aware of what she can do to you, even if you have your eyes wide open.

[rite_of_inversion]

There have been Times when I've felt like presenting as me felt very addictive and that was rather scary both because I was told that looking like that would cause me to get bashed and because I didn't know how far I would need to go always wanting to do more then I was totally comfortable with

That's how I feel about showing more male...although with me it's not about violence...it's about job discrimination, pure and simple.   I don't go too many places where bashing would be even a potential...and I'm more worried about being mugged than beat up, mostly.