i feel so weird, and it's making me think i'm not trans, i'm just losing my mind. it's weird, i guess it's just hormones; those seem to make people feel weird. like the whole idea of having a menstrual cycle, and well, having a body that goes through cycles is confusing the crap out of me. on the one hand i absolutely hate it, and it seems like my reproductive system is parasitic and poisonous. unfortunately, i seem to be very in touch with my body because i obsess over not liking it. i can tell there are female hormones going through my body right now, and because it happens to be the right time of the month, i know that my estrogen levels are probably almost at their highest point. and i can tell that the estrogen effects me. i mean, how could it not? but i feel like less of a guy. and it's disturbs me that as much as i hate feeling the effect of the estrogen, and the idea of it feels sickening, there's something about it that feels good. and when my estrogen levels are the highest is when i feel the most like maybe i could be a girl. like it's not right, but there's something there- the hormones i guess. but especially sexually, and tmi warning, the hormones make me horny of course, and i don't know how to explain it, but it's like i feel feminine when i'm sexual when i have lots of estrogen, and of course it feels good- i mean i like sex, but it still feels all wrong, and i feel like less of a man. but on the other hand it makes me wonder if i could just be a girl if i can enjoy feeling sexual in feminine way.
i really wish that i was just dysphoric over the bleeding part, but i can't stand the whole concept of a menstrual cycle. the last two weeks are just hell though. if i have pms i just turn into an angry bitch because i don't think i should have to experience this in the first place and i convince myself that no one should see me because i look like ->-bleeped-<- because i retain water so my face swells so it doesn't look as angular, i can't hide my chest as well, and i feel like ->-bleeped-<- which reminds me that it's my period and i'm a girl, and well, passing just isn't an option. the worst part is i think i should just tell myself to get the ->-bleeped-<- over it and keep going like a real man. but then again a cis man never had to deal with pms. it's not that the symptoms themselves are that bad. it's just that they're noticeable, so i'm constantly aware that my body is female. it's not supposed to goddamn do that! female fertility is beautiful and amazing, and my body is set up for it, but it's not ->-bleeped-<-ing supposed to happen in my body! yet it does, and it affects my mood, and hence i feel like a girl. fml and rant over
