Name change for a non-transitioner?

[Papillon]

I have been off the forum for a while as I just needed a break from all of this as it was all getting a bit too intense.  But, having let things develop at their own pace over the last few months, I am again looking for thoughts and suggestions.

My position is that I have been "out" for over a year.  My friends and family (partner and children too) know, I have seen the specialist and got the go-ahead for treatment and I am now pretty well settled into a male, internal identity.  However, I am not medically-transitioning for the foreseeable future, due to a number of reasons that aren't about to change any time soon.  Instead, I promised myself that I would undertake the minimum changes necessary in order to keep my sanity.  I am therefore currently living as a neither-here-nor-there.  I wear male clothes and a minimser bra, have short hair etc etc.  But I don't bind and I don't pack and I don't insist on being called by male pronouns.  It is precarious, but I am surviving.  And I am a lot more comfortable with myself than when I wasn't acknowledging my gender identity.  So, progress.

Now, as I settle into my male identity, little things come up that cause dissonance.  The main one at the moment is my name.  I do not identify with my birth name and hate seeing it on letters and hearing other people use it.  I do have a chosen name that my friends call me, and that sits far better.  So, is it time to make that official?

One of the problems with doing this is how do I deal with the fallout of having a male name and a female body?  For example, my job involves client contact and this contact requires building and maintaing rapport.  If a client is told that are meeting with *enter male name* and see me, that is going to throw them completely and start us off on the wrong footing.  Also, when I give my name out to anyone, I will feel the need to explain this apparent discrapancy.  I don't want to spend a lifetime of explaining my gender issues with complete stramngers, believe me.

So, I know it is a tricky one, but has anyone else tried this?  If so, how did you manage?  If not, what are your thoughts, if any?

Thanks so much folks.

[Renate]

Well, do you really want to have a clearly male name?
How about a surname or initials or something just more androgynous?
If you don't want to be nailed down to gender such a strategy might enable you to be accepted as "just <name>".

[Devyn]

I don't think it's that big of a deal. I've met biofemales named Ryan, Shawn, Dylan....While people would assume they're men by hearing their names, I doubt they would say anything about it after finding out that they're female.

[Papillon]

@ Renate, well my chosen name is Max, so I guess that can be thought of an almost gender-neutral name (short for Maxine?  Although I am not officially changing it to that).  So perhaps that might reduce the dissonance other people might feel.  And, of course I would love to be nailed down to a particular gender (male) but that can't happen.

@ Devyn, well, it is a big deal as I would bet those unusual bio females don't look like I do, neither male nor female.  So there is no doubt how they are to be responded to.  My concern is that people wont know how to take me, and that is likely to cause discomfort.

And, of course, the next issue is whether I can be happy as "Ms Max".  I guess it is an improvment on what it is at the moment.

I am thinking of taking this also to my forum of other people who do the same job as I do with teh same organisation (we are officially self-employed, but do lots of work for one provider so I guess we act as though we are employed by them) and see if they can see any problem with presenting as Ms Max.  Trouble is, that entails coming out to them, somethign I haven't done yet.  Now THAT is a scary thought...

[ilanthefirst]

Before you said your chosen name is Max (which I've seen used for men, women, and differently-gendered people), I was going to suggest making it a middle name and asking to go by that, as I know lots of girls who have a definitively male middle name.  Like how my female friends with very male middle names go by Firstname [Middle Initial]. Lastname, you could go by [First Initial]. Middlename Lastname.  But, I think since Max isn't a strongly gendered name, you have your options wide open.

Whether that is enough. . . is for you to decide.  /-:  Good luck coming out to your employer!

[Papillon]

Thanks Ilan.  I am lucky that my chosen name is relatively gender-neutral.  It wasn't intentional.  It was actually Maurice Sendak's fault...

And I have never been a conventional person and have developed a thick skin to people's reactions.  I guess I will just need to make it a millimeter or so thicker to deal with the inevitable "WFT?" reaction to a name change.

OK. Onwards...

[tekla]

I have several female friends who go by male names, like Mike, Mel and Al, if anyone ever questions it - and most do not, just tell them the truth and say "Oh it's a long and boring story."  That tends to end it.

[MaxAloysius]

Perhaps you'd like some advice from a Max?

I still look very female, but my name has been changed for about four months now. It's on my name tag on my shirt at work, and it's really not been a problem for me. Some people tell me it's a lovely name, some don't say anything, and a lot just assume that it's short for Maxine.

I always clarify and say it's short for Maximillian, and then I may get some odd looks, but I just shrug it off and tell them my parents liked the name, and I do too. They don't need to know I wasn't born with that name, and they certainly don't need to know the history behind it.

However, I'd be careful how you proceed if you're happy in your middle ground. Changing my name was a big thing for me, and suddenly I wasn't happy with my friends calling me she and things like that, it became a lot more important to me that I pass, that I never wear anything remotely female, and that I bind every single day. It may increase your disphoria, and you may find you're not so happy with being somewhere inbetween anymore, so be careful

Seeing the 'Miss' on my letters and paychecks in front of my name pisses me off to no end! ARG! I cannot stand it! Whereas I could deal with it when it was with my old name. It's odd

[justmeinoz]

I guess it depends where you are, as to what is considered a 'male' or 'female' name.

Have you considered a more exotic name source?

[Al James]

Im slightly the same as Max above. A year ago i changed my name to Alex to ease people into the transition process without me actually having to come out and tell them. The ones that do know now call me 'he' etc but the ones who dont still refer to me as 'she' or 'her'. Since Xmas i have really been struggling and thinking about changing my name again cos in my head Alex has become synonymous with a female which is driving me mad

[Arch]

I changed my name twelve or thirteen years before I started transition. When people read me as female, which by then was most of the time because I had gained quite a bit of weight (most of it, seemingly, went to my chest), I ran into a lot of people who told me I had an unusual name or who decided that it must be my last name so they reversed first and last (except who would name a kid that? it's even weirder than my actual name). As long as my ID matched, I didn't get many hassles. Very few, in the grand scheme of things.

I guess changing my name helped a great deal with my dysphoria, but sometimes I wish I hadn't done it because it may well have helped me to stay in the closet longer and not transition. Hard to tell.

With that said, I don't think you'll encounter many problems with the name Max. Until you get into your physical transition, people will probably think it is one of those "cute" female names.

[insideontheoutside]

I'd say Max can certainly be a neutral name. Alex definitely is (I know both a F and a M one myself). There's tons of names that are either or. On the flip side, I've also known guys with what we now associate as female names - like Shannon and Shelly. My name is a pretty female name, but oddly enough I'm ok with that. Sometimes if I'm out and about and it doesn't make a lot of difference (in other words, no one knows me) I might use my male name. But my male name is also a play on my middle initial, so I can easily claim that too.

Additionally, I'm a non-transitioner and can look pretty androgynous at times

[Papillon]

Thanks so much for all this.  That is a very useful set of views for me to chew over.

MaxAloysius, thank you, from one Max to another (who, incidentally, is also a Maximillain on the sly.  I also have a long-term fictional character whose middle names are Maximillian Aloysius.  Spookeh!).  You have raised a very useful point there about the more steps one takes, the more diffiuclt it is to stop the process taking on its own momentum and it becoming increasingly more difficult for me to remain as a non-transitioner.  But, it is equally interesting to hear from you, Arch, as you seem to feel that the name change helped you stay content with how you were.  As always, reactions to these things appears to be very individual.  I wont know how I will respond until and if I do the deed.  And then, of course, it is too late.

And, insideontheoutside, yu don't know what a relief to hear that there can exist a content, non-transitioning FtM.  I had hoped that it could be possible in the long term, but still can't quite imagine what that might look like for me.  Thank you for the inspiration, particularly your avatar!  I also aim not to care.  Just give me time...