I think they'd rather I disappear

[Melody Maia]

I debated posting this so soon after my chipper outing report, but I need to tell someone and you folks are the only ones I trust to understand.

So, looks like my trip to Hawaii for my 40th bday is off. My sister is an independent consultant and she got a gig from Mid-Feb to April sometime. She broke it to me tonight, so I was super-bummed. Still, a job is a good thing in this economy so I couldn't tell her not to take it.

Anyway, called my wife to let her know and we started to talk about my upcoming trip back there for the date of my actual bday. She started telling me how our son mentioned that he was playing video games to dull the pain. That I had killed his father. That he thought we would always be a family. She then told me that being full-time would lead to all sorts of issues when I come back. We couldn't eat at local restaurants. Although I am a member of the local church there, the little community we live in is no longer my home (well duh!). If I went to church not in boy-mode it would be embarrassing. The adults would know it is me (nearly all of them know at this point). They might think we are lovers. My son would be embarrassed. Then the suggestions came like I should walk in after them and be some sort of visiting stranger or tell the kids I am his aunt from out-of-town. I then pointed out I literally could not get close to them at any point if I am to be some stranger. No sitting with them or socializing beforehand. That I might be forced to sneak in late, sit in the back, and sneak out early.

Well, as you can imagine, the whole thing just made me feel very bad. Bad and unwelcome. Like I would be forced to fly-in and confined to the house. An embarrassment to the family to be hidden. Swept under the rug. It was more than I could take. I broke down on the phone and told her I had to hang up because it hurt too much. I really don't know what to do. She made me feel as if it would be best if I didn't exist. Sure, she said maybe later when my son had grown to get used to it, things would be ok. I don't think that will happen anytime soon if ever as I will only see him once a month and he is 8. I'm just in a very dark place right now. Pretty despondent.

[Cindy]

Dear Melody,
This is so said, and unfortunately there is no way of checking if it is true, or your wife is just trying to get rid of you. Would it be possible to go and say at a motel or hotel? And is there a reason you would want to visit the church? Sorry if that is offensive, I'm not a religious person so I don't really understand the issues involved.

Do try and keep strong. We are all here for you my friend and we can keep posting during the evening if you need the comfort of your friends.

Love and Hugs
Cindy

[Melody Maia]

Dear Melody,
This is so said, and unfortunately there is no way of checking if it is true, or your wife is just trying to get rid of you. Would it be possible to go and say at a motel or hotel? And is there a reason you would want to visit the church? Sorry if that is offensive, I'm not a religious person so I don't really understand the issues involved.

Do try and keep strong. We are all here for you my friend and we can keep posting during the evening if you need the comfort of your friends.

Love and Hugs
Cindy

I have not doubt it is true. My son expressed some similar sentiments to me in private moments before I left. It probably makes more sense for him to come here really. I just can't afford a hotel right now.

I have many friends and supporters in that church. Many of them know I am transitioning and I looked forward to seeing them as the real me. They all, including the pastor, accepted me for who I am and what I was doing. It was the one and only church where I felt at home after many years of looking. That has been taken away from me now and it hurts.

The whole thing is just painful beyond words. I wish I could just say it is my past and move on, but it continues to affect my future.

[CaitJ]

Don't beat yourself up about it.
Why?
Life sucks. Lots of kids don't have dads and they learned to deal with it. It's not even like you're dead - he still has a parent other than his mom; that's a hell of a lot more than a lot of kids have.
As for the rest, screw 'em all. People are never going to accept trans people or gay people until we're in everyone's hostile little faces, showing them that there is nothing wrong with us. Your wife clearly puts too much stock in what other people think; so what if other people think you are lovers? It's her life, she should be able to do what she wants with it.
And if everyone knows anyway, what's the point in hiding it or denying it?
Screw what other people think. Don't let them hold you back.
You've come this far, why back down now?

[MarinaM]

Oh Melody, I wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on. You know what you need? I sit in the car or in my room and listen to a jazz singer named Erin Bode when I feel so down, that's what I'm doing right now. Music is a salve for the soul.

I can only imagine the pain that you're experiencing for what your son is feeling. As a parent, I know it makes everything sooooo much more difficult. Just remember, it's better to be all that you can be for him than a semi-present shell of yourself (I grew up in that environment, it can and does do considerable emotional damage to children).

*Hugs*

[Melody Maia]

Don't beat yourself up about it.
Why?
Life sucks. Lots of kids don't have dads and they learned to deal with it. It's not even like you're dead - he still has a parent other than his mom; that's a hell of a lot more than a lot of kids have.
As for the rest, screw 'em all. People are never going to accept trans people or gay people until we're in everyone's hostile little faces, showing them that there is nothing wrong with us. Your wife clearly puts too much stock in what other people think; so what if other people think you are lovers? It's her life, she should be able to do what she wants with it.
And if everyone knows anyway, what's the point in hiding it or denying it?
<not allowed> what other people think. Don't let them hold you back.
You've come this far, why back down now?

You don't know the half of it with my wife and how much stock she puts in other people's opinion of her. It is practically pathological and yet another reason behind our divorce. She really should become a politician. I really don't care about what other people think of me OR her. However, she is right that our son will have to live with the consequences when it comes to other kids and how they will react and that sucks. I'll be gone and he will have to live with it. Her instincts to protect are in overdrive.

What I don't see is a set of circumstances under which it will become easier for him. Sure, hiding me is a solution, but it is a short term one. I am worried about what we are teaching my son about character and integrity. About having a back bone and standing for what you think is right in this world.

[Melody Maia]

Oh Melody, I wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on. You know what you need? I sit in the car or in my room and listen to a jazz singer named Erin Bode when I feel so down, that's what I'm doing right now. Music is a salve for the soul.

I can only imagine the pain that you're experiencing for what your son is feeling. As a parent, I know it makes everything sooooo much more difficult. Just remember, it's better to be all that you can be for him than a semi-present shell of yourself (I grew up in that environment, it can and does do considerable emotional damage to children).

*Hugs*

Music will only make me cry harder believe it or not. I really wish I could get drunk right now. I've never been drunk and I am probably overdue.

[Janet_Girl]

Melody, I have this sneaking suspicion that a lot of what you are being told it coming from a hurt ex-wife.  Yes your son does not understand why you can "just be his dad", but the thing is you still are.  You will always be his dad.  Even if the day comes he says "I love you Melody", you will still be Dad.

I have a real doubt that the kids would create a problem for him.  It is mostly "what will the neighbors think" attitude of the ex.

I know your heart is breaking, but maybe she will see it clear for him to come to you for your birthday.


Never hide, nor be ashamed of how you are.  Stand tall and proud.  That is the best example any parent can set.

[KillBelle]

I'm really sorry to hear this, i just hope that you are able to sort out all the knots in your family life. Hang in there sister, it is always tough in the beginning, but it will get better!!

[spacial]

Melody.

Go there, as you. If your wife or anyone else doesn't like it, they don't need to look.

Tell your son that the world isn't as simple as he would like. You're still his dad and he must remember that and show you some respect. He's a big boy now, not a baby. Tll him he just needs to learn to be proud of his parents.

[Northern Jane]

I am leaning toward Spacial's view.

Your Ex and my mother sound like the same kind of people. My mother fought tooth and nail to try to hide me away, deny me, for fear of what the neighbours would think or what people would say. In the end it came down to one last fight and I said I had to transition or die - she said it would be better if I died!

The really stupid part about it all was that EVERYBODY in my little home town knew about me (as I learned later) and most had me figured out long before I did. I accepted my Mom's banishment and never went back but sadly, unknown to me, there were people who really cared about me and would like to have known who I became.

Don't cut yourself off from your community if there are those who care.

[Jacquelyn]

You don't know the half of it with my wife and how much stock she puts in other people's opinion of her. It is practically pathological and yet another reason behind our divorce. She really should become a politician. I really don't care about what other people think of me OR her. However, she is right that our son will have to live with the consequences when it comes to other kids and how they will react and that sucks. I'll be gone and he will have to live with it. Her instincts to protect are in overdrive.

What I don't see is a set of circumstances under which it will become easier for him. Sure, hiding me is a solution, but it is a short term one. I am worried about what we are teaching my son about character and integrity. About having a back bone and standing for what you think is right in this world.

This.

Your wife and my mother sound like they would hit it off fantastically. As Cait said there are plenty of children that come from single parent households, have deadbeat fathers (ding ding ding), come from homes with violence, drugs, and other forms of abuse (some of my finest childhood memories), and they grow up stronger. Now, you have done none of those things. You have provided for your son and he knows that you love him. Your wife seems to be exploiting that in the most horrific ways imaginable.

You are strong, independent, loving, kind, and confident. You are refusing to be the shell of a person, and you are raising your son to be more than that as well. If your wife truly cares about your son she will not keep you from making that trip home. I don't want to sound cruel, but honestly, kids get made fun of for less, and most of them have a 6 second attention span. For example:

Kid A:"Bobby didn't get the new Transformer's toy for Christmas. Hahahaha."
Kid B:"Did you see that new episode of Ben Ten on Cartoon Network?
Kid A:Yeah! It was the coolest! Want to play with my new hot wheels?
Kid B:Yeah!

Sorry, I have a 7 year old brother. That's pretty much the run down he gives me when I ask him how his day was. As I said in another thread (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,91352.0.html) you are the parents. Your wife fighting in front of him or instigating is not in any way, shape, or form conducive to a positive relationship with either of you. Things that are novel are always scary to kids, but they get over it. It's usually only a big deal if you make it one. Slap a smile on your face and tell your wife to do the same if only for his sake.

Melody.

Go there, as you. If your wife or anyone else doesn't like it, they don't need to look.

Tell your son that the world isn't as simple as he would like. You're still his dad and he must remember that and show you some respect. He's a big boy now, not a baby. Tll him he just needs to learn to be proud of his parents.

Again, I don't mean to sound harsh, but tell you wife to suck it up. She sounds like she is the biggest protester, and she is the one who is making this into a big deal. As an SO I am still struggling with certain things, but as I said in the topic above if I had a child they become the most important thing, not my ego. I know that you still love your wife, but do not let her make you feel like less of a person because of the choices you have had to make. You are still his father, and always will be.


I hope that this didn't come across as mean spirited, it's not my intention, but you have come so far. Don't let your wife's pity party ruin that for you.

Hugs and Love,
Jacquelyn

[Melody Maia]

Thanks everyone. You have given me a lot to think about. I will let you know the resolution.

[spacial]

Again, I don't mean to sound harsh, but tell you wife to suck it up. She sounds like she is the biggest protester, and she is the one who is making this into a big deal. As an SO I am still struggling with certain things, but as I said in the topic above if I had a child they become the most important thing, not my ego. I know that you still love your wife, but do not let her make you feel like less of a person because of the choices you have had to make. You are still his father, and always will be.


I hope that this didn't come across as mean spirited, it's not my intention, but you have come so far. Don't let your wife's pity party ruin that for you.

Hugs and Love,
Jacquelyn

I think I perhaps may have indicated the wrong priority.

I'm really talking about Melody's son.

The way his wife feels is part of her and as you point out, she is unlikely to climb down, (though it could happen).

But your son needs to have respect for his parents, for his own sake. I'm urging you to take some authority here. Not let your 9 year old son intimidate you. For his sake. Not yours.

Your wife and any others can do whatever they wish and will. Your son needs to understand that life is never easy. It isn't black and white, right and wrong.

This isn't an easy option for you Melody. I've gotten to know you fairly well, from your posts. I suspect you are one to avoid conflict whenever you can. But you need to stand up for your son now.

I do hope you can see this as a positive contribution. I know it's gonna hurt and I have a feeling I may be the first person you really want to bop.

I just hope you think about this. You son needs you. He needs to know you are still his dad. He needs to know that being proud of you doesn't mean he is any less of a man.

[Sandy]

Mel:

I really don't want to make this sound like a rant...

but...

You will always be his father, nothing can change that.  And spacial hit it right on the head.  This is not something to be ashamed of.  This is empowering!  Go back there as yourself, and go with pride.

You do not have to hide yourself.  Have a birthday celebration at a nice restaurant with him.  And show him that the world accepts you as you are.  He does not have to be embarrassed, his father faced the most difficult challenge that anyone can face.  And you literally put your life on the line.  And lived.  And will thrive!

It sounds like your ex is projecting her feelings on him and he is hearing only one side of the conversation.  From what you have said she has a severe case of "Oh.My.Gawd! What *will* the neighbors think!"

She is so worried about others feelings, but not yours.  She apparently refuses to understand the pressures you were under and the crisis that you faced.

Since your relationship with her is ending, you may want to concentrate on the relationship with your son.  Show him that you are happy now and that he now has a living parent, when he could have had a dead father.

Also, address his issues and concerns.  He may not understand all the things surrounding your change and needs to be discussed with him in a way that he can understand.  This is something he has to understand now, not later.

The issues at church can either be addressed independently of your family, or you may just turn away from them.  Have you had a chance to talk to the minister of the church to get their take on your transition?  Unfortunately many houses of worship are antithetical to our condition and refuse to get past the s-e-x part of transsexual.  But you will not know until you try.

I feel you need to concentrate on the relationship with your son and show him that you still love him and that will never change.

-Sandy

[lauren3332]

If your church and community are cool with your situation, then why is your wife embarrassed?  It sounds like she is making this out to be something it is not.  So what, she loses a couple friends.  It's funny how people can take someone else's situation and make it all about them.  What about all the pain you went through just coming out and the pain you have now?  A few friends pales in comparison.  It sounds to me your wife has no reason to be afraid or embarrassed of anything. 

I know I sound mean I am sorry.  If the community accepts you, then she is the one with the big issue.  The son tries"dull the pain with video games"  I might buy that somewhat, but if your son is that distraught over your life choices wouldn't he try to contact you?  Is he not doing homework or something?   Something about all of this doesn't seem right. 

[Melody Maia]

Spacial, don't worry, no impulse to bop here.

Sandy, my pastor was one of the first we told. Numerous members of the church also know. The support there has been surprising given, as you say, the historically less than enthusiastic response from that quarter in the past.

Lauren, I doubt she will lose ANY friends over this. They pretty much all know at this point. She has framed this as concern over how the kids will react and how they in turn will be mean to my son on the school yard playground. This is probably a legitimate concern and my son is a sensitive kid. He has expressed extreme embarrassment over the prospect of his friends finding out. However, he will have to face this eventually and frankly he is as soft as a marshmallow and probably needs to learn to find a backbone. Yes, my wife really has a talent of making this all about her too. Some of this embarrassment is definitely about her.

So I told her that maybe it would be best for her to send Miguel here for that weekend. I will not cease to be me and I will take him places and let him see that people don't care much and that I am still his dad and worthy of the respect of that title. That place is no longer home for me. If she wants to be be a beeyotch about it, let her stew alone at her home. My son and I will have a perfectly lovely time at Disney World celebrating my Bday without her. Screw her.

[Rock_chick]

Yeah, it sounds like your ex is using your son to push her feelings on you (it may be conscious decision, it may not). You honestly don't need to apologise for who you are. Your son is probably confused as hell right now, divorce is always hell on children, and it certainly isn't helping that your wife seems to want to use him to punish you. You just need to show him that you still love him and that things haven't changed...i think it's like janet said, even when he calls you Melody, you'll still be his dad.

i hope you get things sorted out though hun.

[Sandy]

Sandy, my pastor was one of the first we told. Numerous members of the church also know. The support there has been surprising given, as you say, the historically less than enthusiastic response from that quarter in the past.

Lauren, I doubt she will lose ANY friends over this. They pretty much all know at this point. She has framed this as concern over how the kids will react and how they in turn will be mean to my son on the school yard playground. This is probably a legitimate concern and my son is a sensitive kid. He has expressed extreme embarrassment over the prospect of his friends finding out. However, he will have to face this eventually and frankly he is as soft as a marshmallow and probably needs to learn to find a backbone. Yes, my wife really has a talent of making this all about her too. Some of this embarrassment is definitely about her.

So I told her that maybe it would be best for her to send Miguel here for that weekend. I will not cease to be me and I will take him places and let him see that people don't care much and that I am still his dad and worthy of the respect of that title. That place is no longer home for me. If she wants to be be a beeyotch about it, let her stew alone at her home. My son and I will have a perfectly lovely time at Disney World celebrating my Bday without her. Screw her.

Well one of the things that you could do is go to church with just your son.  If they know and are accepting, then it's your ex's problem not yours, your sons, or the congregation.  She can be the one that sneaks in late and sits at the back and runs out after service.  It sounds like she is the one with the problem.

And YES, Disney World would be a wonderful place to celebrate.  I was there two years ago for an LGBT conference.  There were over 2000 attendees, and most brought their partners (as I did), and many brought their kids.  It was wonderful to see same sex parents and their children holding hands and enjoying the environment.  There was no problem whatsoever from any of the staff and they go out of their way to accommodate their patrons.  I think you would have a great time there.

No you don't need to pretend to have a relationship with your ex, you can leave her home with her "What will the neighbors think?" attitude.

Take you life forward with you and your son.

-Sandy

[spacial]

Church is an excellent suggestion.