Right now, I'd like to have a little talk about my parents. About my mother, particularly.
You see, she is the kind of person that attach a great deal of importance to what other people think. She actually considers it a form of respect toward others. For example, every year, my parents usually take part in a trip to a south location in order to recharge their batteries. While this wouldn't be my first choice were I to travel, I understand that this makes them feel good and it's nice that they do it.
Lately, my father has had to quit his job because he was suffering from serious depression symptoms. My father has always been mentally unstable and it not the first time that he has to stop working because of it. Given that he suffers from depression, a trip to a warm relaxing location seems like a good cure for it. Some of my parent's good friends even offered to come with them so they could have a very pleasant trip together. My parents seriously considered it, but then ended up deciding not to go.
The reason that they decided this is that they didn't know when my father would start to work again. Even though that trip would have been very beneficial to my father's health, they decided not to go because of what my father's coworker might have thought if he had come back from his "sick vacation" while being all tanned. Depression is still very stigmatized, and many people don't understand that the suffering depressive people experience is very real and can even be life threatening. Therefore, in order to stand aside from possible negligent remarks made by ignorant people, my parents decided not to go for something that would have been very helpful.
When I talked to my mother about this, the first thing that she told me was that "We live in society" as if by living in a society, we had the task of living up to certain standards in order the respect the "society". When I pointed out to her how anyone willing to pass a judgement about this would have done so out of ignorance and therefore should not be considered, she told me that my father, when coming back from to work after his forced break, would probably be in a weaker state of mind and that these kind of comments would be harmful to him. Since I have came out to her earlier and the way she was looking at me while saying of of that, I felt like she was trying to let me know that I should do the same as they did and avoid at all cost putting myself into a situation where I might me judged.
If depression is something that is stigmatized, transsexuality is even more. When I am with people, pretty much like my mother does, I have this tendency to try to have some kind of control over people's reaction. I usually do this by being showing lots of respect toward other people's opinions even when I don't agree with them. I doesn't mean that I don't have any opinion, anyone who knows me would probably that I have opinions about pretty much anything and I am not afraid to state them. However, if I feel that things get too heated, I'm always ready to lower my head and say "All right, whatever is your opinion, I respect it". This usually works in most situation to ease most tensions.
The problem is, if I choose to transition, many people will see the mere act of transitioning as a straight "in-your-face" contradiction to their opinion. No matter how much I "respect" their opinion, they will still feel as if I am somehow doing something wrong to them, and this is a very scary perspective. When I started school last session, I was approached by a guy who asked me why I looked at him so much and if I was attracted to him. This was all done in a very condescending way. Given that I was dressed in a rather androgynous way, he probably supposed I was gay and wanted to tease me with that. To be honest, I was very upset about it. I know this isn't a lot, and I simply told myself that he was an idiot that didn't deserve my attention, but the fact is that these kind of people exist and the perspective of meeting them really makes the idea of transition very uncomfortable.
I know most will be tempted to say "F...k those people" and I'd be the first to do so. I don't care about "society" or about what it "thinks" of me, but I do care about my own mental health and I know that other people's perceptions and how they react to these perceptions can take its toll on the mind. In the end, I have no choice but to take into consideration that I will suffer when these kind of people will show their teeth. That is what I feel is the worst part about being transsexual. It seems like there is no easy choice. No matter what you choose, you are condemned to suffering one way or the other. In the end, it seems like it's just a matter of finding the lesser evil.
