How do you get over the anxiety that you don't pass?

[Ribbons]

I can't help but think I don't pass as a boy. I've posted pictures on other sites, and they've said I look like a boy my age. I can't help but think I don't.

When I'm with family, people always refer to me in feminine pronouns. Maybe it's because they over-hear my family saying my name or female pronoun, but they call me a girl.

My family does say I have a feminine frame, but I wear masculine or gender neutral clothing so it can't be that. A lot of teen boys my age have feminine voices, so it can't be my voice either.

I'm going to begin walking on my own more, so I wonder if I can pass.. I wouldn't go walking into the boys room though   

[spacial]

Ribbons.

May I suggest you are looking at this from the wrong perspective.

It isn't about passing as anything. It's about claiming your place in the world. Standing up and saying this is who I am.

I understand the need to pass, I really do. From the outsiders perspective, it seems like deception. But having been there myself, I know it's more than that. It's about fufilling your potential.

But stand on a street corner for a while and look at all the men you see walking past. How many of them do you think are wondering if everyone believes them to be men?

What I'm saying to you is, you don't need permission to be here. Just dress in whatever manner makes you comfortable and walk down the street, your head held high.

[Amazon D]

When it comes to family we never will pass they will always remember that other person  don't worry be happy

[GinaDouglas]

You pass or don't pass, nothing major happens, you get over it.  Eventually you don't even think about it.  Like the Beatles song: There's nothing you can do that you won't ever feel in time is easy.

[Nygeel]

I never really think of it as "passing" but rather "being passed." Using the phrasing "being passed" means that another person judging you doesn't take a second look, care or read you in anyway as anything other than what you identify as. It's one of those things that you just have to submit to in order to deal with. I realized that there is/was absolutely nothing in my power that I could do to make other people read me as male. I tried hair cuts, I tried talking differently, walking differently until I was such a stereotype of what other (trans) people saw meant to be a man. None of it worked and in the end I just kinda said "eff it." I focused more on regaining my "me-ness" instead of focusing on ways to change myself for others. People don't read me as male still, but then again they never did. There's no loss.

[Britney♥Bieber]

No idea. Went out with one of my gfs the other day, got called ladies by all the people in the stores, even got hit on (my first time ever lol) but the whole time I felt like people knew, and were just humoring me =/

[Lacey Lynne]

Actually, I wish I could give you some good advice, but this topic blows me away.  It really does.  The anxiety that I do not pass is THE THING that has kept me from going full-time.  Yeah, sure, I give other reasons, but this is the REAL reason why I haven't gone full-time.  If you ever figure out how to get over this anxiety, please tell me!

   Lacey

[PixieBoy]

I listen to music that makes me more confident. Also, I somewhat dislike the word passing as it implies that there is some kind of test or something to pass, or that you're passing yourself off as something you're not. I prefer the word "percieved as...", since that is essentially what it is.

I have a lot of trouble understanding how others percieve me. A few days ago, me and two friends (one is a trans guy, the other is a cis girl) went to a café. When the waitress came to collect our plates and cups, she said: "Is it okay if I collect these, girls?". I had to bite my tongue to stop the laughter. My male friend felt hurt by it. My female friend was also a bit sad. To me, it was just an absurd thing that she'd seen us two as girls, it was as if she's said "Hello there, parrots!" to a group of humans, the same kind of bizarre punchline-esque thing to say.

[GinaDouglas]

The anxiety that I do not pass is THE THING that has kept me from going full-time. 

Passing is from the inside out.  Believe that you do, and you will.  There is nobody who looks so bad that there are not natal women who look worse.  They don't worry about passing, neither should you.

[GinaDouglas]

/quote]

If a straight guy hit on you, you probably passed. 

[Rock_chick]

You get over the anxiety by learning that in fact you do actually pass. The more anxious and tense you are about not passing the less likely you are to pass. Just go out and do your thing and if needs be flick the v (or the bird if your american) at the world and tell them you don't care what they think.

[Britney♥Bieber]

If a straight guy hit on you, you probably passed.

Yeah! lol
Just stating that even though I have anxiety and fear about not passing, you just have to be confident and not think about it.

[KillBelle]

there are some very courageous people out there that can go on every day and get read every day and manage to still go at it...that is some uncrushable spirit lol.

[Mr. Fox]

I never really think of it as "passing" but rather "being passed." Using the phrasing "being passed" means that another person judging you doesn't take a second look, care or read you in anyway as anything other than what you identify as. It's one of those things that you just have to submit to in order to deal with. I realized that there is/was absolutely nothing in my power that I could do to make other people read me as male. I tried hair cuts, I tried talking differently, walking differently until I was such a stereotype of what other (trans) people saw meant to be a man. None of it worked and in the end I just kinda said "eff it." I focused more on regaining my "me-ness" instead of focusing on ways to change myself for others. People don't read me as male still, but then again they never did. There's no loss.

This, basically.  I haven't passed much since I got to college, no matter how hard I tried.  I mean, I see it happening when I wear clothes I like, but it happened when I was all manlified too.  Over time though, I stopped giving a ->-bleeped-<-.  If you can't pass, you can at least stop worrying about it.  It can help to have friends around who see you as your gender and use the right pronouns and such; if I didn't, I'd probably still be just as depressed about it.  Also, as far as going to the men's room, trust me, nobody cares; as long as you make an effort to hide your secondary sexual characteristics, they'll just assume you're a young/feminine looking man. They won't care.

[Adabelle]

How do you get over the anxiety?

You just effing walk out the front door (saying this after taking seven years to get up the courage to do just that and figured out it was NO BIG DEAL.)

[Nygeel]

  Also, as far as going to the men's room, trust me, nobody cares; as long as you make an effort to hide your secondary sexual characteristics, they'll just assume you're a young/feminine looking man. They won't care.

Not always true. I've been thrown out of a gay club for using the men's bathroom on a night where I thought I looked good and very much a man.

[Ribbons]

How do you get over the anxiety?

You just effing walk out the front door (saying this after taking seven years to get up the courage to do just that and figured out it was NO BIG DEAL.)

Doesn't work for me. When I'm anxious, I panic.

When I panic, I really panic.  Like "nervous breakdown" or "panic attack" bad.

[Adabelle]

Doesn't work for me. When I'm anxious, I panic.

When I panic, I really panic.  Like "nervous breakdown" or "panic attack" bad.

I think it's possible to find a way to take small steps. I'm prone to anxiety and anxiety attacks as well, but I first went out in an "andro" look and I did okay (was nervous, but nothing bad happened.)

It took me years to get up the courage, and I took a small step, and everything was okay. I just would encourage anyone to take a small step, you don't know until you try. I think of all those wasted years just needlessly worrying. For me I just had to figure out a way to dip my toe in.

[spacial]

Doesn't work for me. When I'm anxious, I panic.

When I panic, I really panic.  Like "nervous breakdown" or "panic attack" bad.

Just a thought, but could you perhaps try being a little less ambitious, for a time at least?

Take your transision in stages?

[Cindy]

To be totally and utterly basic there is a very simple way to pass. I'm going to use bad language but it is appropriate, as every nude scene in a movie is


I'm me. F**k off if you can't deal with it.

Sorry but it is the basic rule. Confidence.

It comes with practice and a complete intolerance of what other people think.

Tell me how many times do you look at another human and  think or say she, he, or it is different to you. Oh I'd better walk over and tell that woman her boobs are the wrong size,  Better tell that guy he looks feminine. Tell the person in a wheel chair that it looks painful, why don't you walk. Hell that persons Tatts look stupid.

Why should anyone do that to you?

What response will you give?

I think it is obvious.

Cindy