Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum completely. Actually...new to looking into trans at all.
This is actually very nerve-wracking for me to type, I hope I don't mess up TOO bad.
I read through these forums a few times and as much as some of your experiences scared me, it also really enlightened me and made me feel at ease. It's really reassuring to find others that have this problem.
I've been trans ever since I was...well even aware there was a difference between the sexes. I remember getting 'girl' gifts when I was 4 and going ">/ wtf is this crap, I want my gundams please" and riding around bicycles with sticks pretending to be some sort of knight in shining armor. I was never the princess, but always the prince when we roleplayed as kids. It was just...normal for me. I guess at that age, because you haven't gone through the huge changes in your body that make it obvious, it wasn't a big deal. I remember when my parents and my aunt compared my brother's penis size to my cousins (we're asian - we compete with EVERYTHING...) and I ran in like "I have one too!" referring to - you know. They laughed and said it was different and I never mentioned it again.
There was one point where my female older cousins approached me one day when they asked me if I wanted to be a boy. I told them, yes of course. They proceeded to tell me that it can be done - you have no idea how happy I was...until they mentioned surgery. I was very young and the mere sound of it scared me ->-bleeped-<-less. So I told them I didn't want it anymore. I really have no idea what their intention was, but in my opinion that seemed to be when I realized that I wasn't happy with the body I was born with.
Anyway, it all died down a lot soon...especially with puberty and all. I kind of had to accept that this was my body and I had to somehow deal with it until I could come out and say something. There is/was this atmosphere of homophobia in my household - my dad thinks it's disease and him and I have butted heads because of it. I came out about liking girls by now - I said it to my mother and grandmother who were extremely understanding to my surprise. My mother apparently already had a hunch I was...not that it was hard to tell I guess. My dad found out from my mom and he didn't rage or try to kick me out like I expected. He just shrugged and said "there's nothing I can do about it, you are still my daughter."
When I think back on it, I feel like crying, because I was so damn scared. But I think because of it, I feel a lot of guilt when I think about coming out as trans. My mother actually very very casually asked if I was...by asking if I ever thought of getting rid of my breasts. I kick myself whenever I think back to it too because I couldn't bring myself to say it. I just told her "well I wish they were smaller..."
Right now...due to some personal events, I feel like I can't delay this anymore. I need to come out to them as much as I am scared of hurting them or making them feel like they've failed me in some way.
I know I'm very lucky to have them be understanding of my attraction to girls, I can only hope that this MIGHT make them feel better? Because in my opinion - I'm as straight as any other straight guy. But that's hopeful thinking, I guess.
God that feels good to get off my chest. My hands are shaking OTL.
