I know I've been posting a lot, and I know everyone else has their problems too, but I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to vent.
I have OCD, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ptsd, and aspergers syndrome on top of being trans, so it just gets a little discouraging. And of course as these disorders affect every aspect of my life they affect my dysphoria. For instance, I'll get scared because I know if I let myself be a boy I'll lose a lot, so out of fear I sort of go into girl mode for a few minutes, so I'll feel like I have to do some OCD thing to fix it, even though rationally I know it's ridiculous. It's driving me crazy- or maybe I'm just already crazy.
the following triggered my dysphoria real badly, so proceed with caution:
Last night my boyfriend was just talking off the top of his head like he normally does, and he ended up talking about penises. He was going on about how penises are so important to guys, and that girls don't have a body part that's as important to them, and that guys feel better touching their penises, and that's why you see them hanging out on the couch with their hands down their pants, and how he had watched some documentary that glossed over qui (sp?) i think, and he was going on about how it said that the penis/testicles were the center of qui or life force or whatever in men, and it was more around the womb or something in women (yeah and now i'm imagining that my uterus is radiating energy
) It just sucked, and I thought I was going to pass out, so I just said I needed to get some sleep, and went to bed.
I hate to sound like this, I wish I could just remain impervious to pain, but I just wanted to die last night when I was trying to fall asleep, which didn't happen for awhile. I could barely breathe, and it hurt too much to think, so I just kept going through different songs, trying to forget. I have a boyfriend who doesn't want me to be trans, and thinks I really should just be OK with my own body, I almost can't handle having the body I have now, and I don't see any possible resolution that won't nearly destroy me.
I hadn't talked to my dad in a while, and he had left a sweet message on my phone saying he missed me, and just wanted to talk to me. I heard it when I was contemplating how to kill myself, and my boyfriend said that if he misses me after not talking to me for a day, he can't imagine what it would be like for my dad not to be able to talk to me. After that I calmed down on the suicide thing. I really don't want to hurt anyone, and no matter how much pain I'm in I wouldn't want to do that to my dad, or my family in general.
So, since I'm still alive, I just don't know how to keep going sometimes. I mean, I know the obvious answer is put one foot in front of the other until you get there. I know this really is a great learning experience for me in a way, and when it's all over I'll know myself far better than a lot of cis people. I just need to focus on a few year from now when everything will be fixed, and when I can on just enjoying the present moment, and not trying to dwell on my dysphoria too much. And though I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time, posting here helps too since it's the few moments of the day when I can be completely honest about myself.
I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest. Thanks for listening.
