'Secretly' Transitioning at work? Be prepared!

[Ms Bev]

I've been working in a highly visible selling environment for the last 5 years or so.  Over the last 2 years, I have been transitioning, hrt for the 2 years, and spiro for the last 9 months.

Certain co-workers and friends have noticed, and politely kept the 'secret' among themselves.  For me, that is as good as I can expect, and if they wish to talk about me in my absence, ok.  Now, after the spiro has kicked in....whoa.....big difference, in a big hurry.  Things are not kept so carefully quiet.  Relationships are shifting a little.  My friends (mostly women) remain ever close, ever supportive, with never a mention of the differences they notice.  Still, most of the people in the company like and respect me.

Here's the kicker:  New, younger, aggressive male employees have been added to the mix.  We have no prior friendships established, and they feel no hesitance at all in making comments in the open that compromises my 'secret'.

In the beginning, I wanted to feel better, and, frankly, look more feminine.  As I progress, feeling better goes hand in hand with looking better, and consequently, looking more and more feminine.

Would I change anything?  NEVER!

But.......now I have to deal with a handful of trouble-makers on a daily basis, and have to consider filing harrassment against them.

I guess where I am going here, is, if anyone wants to transition a little....it's my personal opinion that you think it through very, very carefully.  Don't begin anything you're not prepared to finish.  Transitioning a little is a bit akin to becoming pregnant a little.

[Melissa]

Transitioning a little is a bit akin to becoming pregnant a little.

I love that last statement, because it's so true.  I'm sorry you are having such a rough time at work.  I'm not sure how long you have worked there or how tolerant they may be, but... aren't they going to know eventually about you?  Just a thought to keep you busy.

Melissa

[cindianna_jones]

I agree with you Bev.  It seems to me that once people start talking, it's best to get it over with or move into a new job in the new role.

Frankly, I can't understand how anyone can hold off on the process.  I really can't.  Once I could finally move ahead, I wasted no time.  I couldn't bear to live as a male even one more day. Knowing that I could be female all the time pulled me in wholely and fully.

Cindi

[Brianna]

I remember the semester I went on HRT. I was widely considered to be as flamingly gay as someone could be, because I was still presenting as male. I remember sitting in my Polisci class with the 4 other girls sitting in clumps around me in a class of 100 boys - there was this naturally defensive behavior.

The point is I could not have been seen to be as "normal" if I'd wanted to that semester.

bri

[Ms Bev]

Will they know eventually?!

I think the cat's out of the bag.  I go in, breasts under a sport bra, longish hair, and getting longer, and defy anyone to bother me.  You have to have the attitude of someone who can continue to work with a huge ink stain on a white shirt, and act nonchalantly.

[Melissa]

Will they know eventually?!

I think the cat's out of the bag.  I go in, breasts under a sport bra, longish hair, and getting longer, and defy anyone to bother me.  You have to have the attitude of someone who can continue to work with a huge ink stain on a white shirt, and act nonchalantly.

My point was, "why hide it if they are eventually going to be seeing you living as female all the time?"  You may say "easier said than done", but that's exactly what I did when I started my job back in April.  I still had to prsent as male, but I don't think I worked there even 1 day without wearing a bra--a normal one too.  I got a feminine haircut shortly after starting, altered my voice to speak in a head voice, stopped using the men's bathroom (they had a unisex one available), and totally did not hide my mannerisms whatsoever.  I remember talking to this one woman (probably my age) and I swear we must have looked like 2 women chatting, even though I was presenting as (somewhat) male.  When I did end up coming out a month and a half later, people pretty much were like "ok, so tell us something we didn't know" and I went fulltime the next day.

So, perhaps I might have just been at a good company or in a good area, but that is the route I took to probably the best "coming out" I have ever heard of.

Melissa

[melissa90299]

The information provided is pretty vague and everyone is different. The big difference is there are MTFs who present as straight acting males before transition and MTFs who present as effeminate males. If you are already presenting as an effeminate male, there probably isn't any more stigma to just come out as transitioning. (The one caveat being the bathroom issue) Still, two years on HRT is a long time to go without coming out.

[Dennis]

I agree with you Bev.  It seems to me that once people start talking, it's best to get it over with or move into a new job in the new role.

Frankly, I can't understand how anyone can hold off on the process.  I really can't.  Once I could finally move ahead, I wasted no time.  I couldn't bear to live as a male even one more day. Knowing that I could be female all the time pulled me in wholely and fully.

Cindi

I was exactly the same, Cindi, rocketed ahead at full speed. I found it interesting to read of other people's doubts and reluctance here at Susan's. For me, it was "oh, that's what I am? How fast can I fix it?" It drove me crazy enough waiting for the hoops that are required, I can't imagine putting more in for myself. But we're all different and that's what makes life interesting

Dennis

[Melissa]

Once I could finally move ahead, I wasted no time.

I was exactly the same, Cindi, rocketed ahead at full speed.

Yep, that's me too.  I had to wait for some physical changes before going fulltime, but like Cindi, once I could go fulltime, I wasted no time.  8 months for the therapy/physical changes and then 3 weeks to fulltime once I was there.

Melissa

[Kate]

Here's the kicker:  New, younger, aggressive male employees have been added to the mix.  We have no prior friendships established, and they feel no hesitance at all in making comments in the open that compromises my 'secret'.

I'm wondering if it's the "secret" part that's provoking them (not that they have a right to be demeaning in any case)? Ironically, maybe they'd be more accepting if you just presented yourself as a female, rather than a male with a "secret" that's no so secret anymore

Or perhaps officially "come out" at work, letting management help you to notify everyone that you're transitioning? These men probably don't take you seriously... they may just think you're pushing your luck for kicks, gloating over "getting away with it," and thus figure you're asking for the ridicule that comes along with it. Not that it's right, but... people, ya know?

That's kind of the crossroads I'm at... I'm not ready for fulltime, but it's getting pretty darn obvious what I'm up to, and I fear that people are going to start resenting me for trying to "fool them," or for thinking they're too oblivious to notice. People really hate being made fools of.

Kate

[Ms Bev]

Lots of interesting comments.  I think my situation may be somewhat different than most, or maybe not so different.......

I'm a late transitioner, very late.  I present at work and church as a straight male (ok, with a few behind the hand whispers, heheh).  My marriage has remained intact, perfectly so, to which I am eternally thankful and happy.  I have no interest sexually in males, find the notion repugnant, and remain content in the knowledge that I am a ts lesbian.  I know at my very core, that had I been born female in body, that would not be different.  Knowing these things, it should be easy for most to understand that I don't mind at all, dressing in a more masculine way.   

I was blessed with a small bone structure, small feet, small hands, and a somewhat higher than usual male voice that sounds maybe, male maybe not.  So at home, and off work out and about, it's usually just women's sneakers, jeans, sweatshirt and bra, (yes, a regular bra...no binding uni-boobs on my down time!), a dot or so of concealer, and a little neutral lipstick that suits my complexion.  I really don't see myself in a dress or skirt, though I think it would look alright;  I simply perfer jeans and slacks.

All of these things, by the way, help make it easier for my wife to be comfortable with me in public.  As far as our private intimate lives, things have only become  better (no don't bother looking for posts in the sexuality forum....already tmi!  LOL).

Otherwise at work, the management staff like me (they like me...they really like me!...heheh) personally and professionally.  As a side note:  I seem to have developed a customer base in the lesbian community!   
So, I don't anticipate any really drastic changes on the job front, but it wouldn't bother me to hear that the trouble-makers one day were mowed down in the crosswalk  >

[Sarah Louise]

I guess the importance of your "secret" really depends on how far you plan to go with your "transition".

Each of us have to make our own decision about this and face the consequences of that decision.

Sarah L.

[Ms Bev]

really depends on how far you plan to go with your "transition".

Sarah L.

Sarah, As I mentioned in an earlier quote: 'transitioning a little is somewhat akin to being a little pregnant.'

We plan to have me continue my hrt indefinitely. Why would I stop the thing that has made life bearable?

Ironically, maybe they'd be more accepting if you just presented yourself as a female, rather than a male with a "secret" that's no so secret anymore



I suppose that's a good point to make for most instances.  In this case, if were not me, they would target someone else, and are the bane of everyone's workplace existance, they are that immature.  Nothing less than schoolyard bullies.  I know a number of ways to deal with that mentality.

[umop ap!sdn]

Looking back, I have transitioned gradually at work. When I began, I was still having to present as male but already had long hair and nails. From the start I went by my middle name which can be either gender. Imagine my delight when one of the customers asked me "are you [woman's name]?" (I was wearing just black jeans, a polo shirt, no bra, and this was even before HRT.)

As the months went on I found I could gradually "get away with" more and more - feminine eyeglass frames, a headband, women's shirts that can pass for male. Finally I told my boss (whom I had quite some time previously told I was TS) that the effects of HRT were becoming obvious and that it would be better if I presented as female at work.

But I had to keep the customers in mind; most never bothered with pronouns or ma'am/sir (except over the phone) and of the few that did, the "she"s were already outnumbering the "he"s. Yet the vast majority were people I'd see on average every couple of months so I couldn't afford to change too much too quickly.

[Steph]

The work environment is a hard one to predict and to control.  We have our circle of friends and colleagues, and within this circle we have friends who we confide in.  Even so it is hard to keep secrets and maintain covers.  Information is power and folks love to show others how much power and influence they have, it's human nature.  I know I felt that my secret was safe with the few I had confided in, but no, word got out.

I think that before we start to transition that it is extremely important for us to have a plan in place to handle the many workplace situations and issues that we are going to encounter.  Yes you can play it by ear, and address problems as that arise, but it is far better to have a plan, and part of that plan has to include "Coming out at work", because like it or not, as soon as you start to transition you will eventually have to come out, it's unavoidable.

Steph

[Melissa]

...and part of that plan has to include "Coming out at work", because like it or not, as soon as you start to transition you will eventually have to come out, it's unavoidable.

Just like as soon as you start to become a little pregnant, eventually that baby will come out of you.

Melissa

[Ms Bev]

you can play it by ear, and address problems as that arise, but it is far better to have a plan

Steph

You are absolutely right, Steph, I did it all wrong, but absolutely had to start.  I don't recommend my way to anyone.  But then, I've danced on thin ice all my life.

[Kate]

Yes you can play it by ear, and address problems as that arise, but it is far better to have a plan...

Or perhaps a blend of both... play it a bit by ear, waiting for things to ripen and the appropriate moment to arrive, yet having a plan ready for when that time arrrives?

IF you're planning on actually transitioning, that is. If someone is taking hormones indefinately to become more and more feminine, intending to present as a male throughout, then I don't know what kind of "plan" could be created? That creates a perpetual "as needed" basis for addressing problems. I 'spose management could be consulted regarding the specific harassments, but there really isn't anything to "plan" for in this case, me don't think

Kate

[Melissa]

Or perhaps a blend of both... play it a bit by ear, waiting for things to ripen and the appropriate moment to arrive, yet having a plan ready for when that time arrrives?

Yep, sounds like a good plan.

Melissa

[Ms Bev]

Yes you can play it by ear, and address problems as that arise, but it is far better to have a plan...IF you're planning on actually transitioning, that is.

Actually planning?  Dear, the decision is made, and I'll dance down the road as far as it goes.  I see no other choice. 

If it requires presenting en femme, so be it (most of the lesbians I've met and known don't seem to feel compelled to present as especially feminine).  I'm not saying I couldn't present as a feminine lady, I'm sure I could, given practice and time.

   think the communication is being somewhat blurred between presentation, and orientation.  Now please......I hope I don't get bombarded by a lot of very feminine lesbian trans sisters!