Is it wrong to want MORE (or less)?

[Stephanie.Izann]

Is it? 

I find myself thinking way too much. More than usual about my transition. I've mentioned before a duality. It is that I want to change but at times, I get scared that going faster would cause some issues with the world around me (primarily those that hire me...I work freelance).  If the Tran fairy came to me tomorrow and said, "I will make you a woman right now, and everyone that knew you as a boy will forget you ever were a boy!" --I would take it!   But, because so many people know me in my profession and I haven't met any Tran Fairies, it kinda depresses me that I have to wait.  I am still on HRT, but I want MORE changes...but not now...but NOW!...no...you see what I mean?
I think that maybe it's because I feel if I have more changes happen, more of the people I have told about my transition will accept me for the real me.  Honestly, everyone I have told has been soooo amazing to me. This in-between stage has it's ups and downs.
I know, I know... enjoy the journey.  Believe me, I try to.

I think that my body and gender dysphoria has a way of taking me over too.  I know I am not huge...at all...but it certainly feels that way some days!  Granted, I am blessed that I am getting all the curves I need with HRT, but the top part of my body still looks so masculine.  I've lost a few pounds and that's a good thing.  But not enough for me to feel good...or pretty.

I guess I am going through puberty!  I guess I am experiencing a few things CIS girls go through.  It's even harder for us being Trans when you go to a mall and you see this amazingly beautiful girl/woman and you think " I wish that were me...I wish I was pretty."
I know that I should feel more happy than upset. I know that deep down inside it's probably the Hormones taking off on me.  I try to find the sanity.  I mean, I am just frustrated more than anything.  I'm not really depressed at this point...just anxious to see the girl I want to be. For me to be ME already!

I'm having more dreams of me in my girl body. I think that also frustrates me because when I wake up...I'm not the person in the dream...I'm not ME anymore.  Look at me...I sound like a 13 year old!

I have it made when it comes to my home life. My spouse is extremely supportive. I can't ask for anything more. I'm always asking her "Have you seen anymore changes?...Do my nipples look bigger now?...what about my breasts?...is my face fuller?"
But, when I do catch myself I know that in some ways transition is also about the people around me. And it's because I love those that are around me and that love me in return that I feel maybe NOT changing "overnight" is a good thing. Of course, that doesn't change what I really want.

No worries. I'm not suicidal.  Just anxious maybe?
This whole rant is due to my latest dream!  Damn brain! At least I am dreaming as my true self.

Your thoughts, comments, advice, experiences and hugs would be appreciated deeply.
Thanks for taking the time.

Peace,
Stephie.

[annette]

Hi Stephie

You want more? you'll get more, you'll see.
Only it won't happen now, transition is a process and takes some time.
But, the thougts you have right now are very recognizible and when you started your transition, you just want to have it done as quick as possible.
Maybe you can see it from another perspective, you need the time to grow, to grow as a girl, cis girls didn't became a woman in one night.
I know, it's easy talking when everything is done but believe me, when I think back to the time of transition I think it was a good time.
Of course I was impatient too but I've learned so much about myself in that time, I really found myself back, the one who was hiding all those years in a men's role.
In the emotional rollercoaster of hrt you are gonna know yourself, the way you react, the way you think, you learn who are real friends and who are not.
Count your blessings honey, with the support you have and when everything is done...remind my words.
I hope you can say the same thing when you look back as I did.


A lot of love and emotional rest
Annette

[Stephanie.Izann]

Hi Stephie

You want more? you'll get more, you'll see.
Only it won't happen now, transition is a process and takes some time.
But, the thougts you have right now are very recognizible and when you started your transition, you just want to have it done as quick as possible.
Maybe you can see it from another perspective, you need the time to grow, to grow as a girl, cis girls didn't became a woman in one night.
I know, it's easy talking when everything is done but believe me, when I think back to the time of transition I think it was a good time.
Of course I was impatient too but I've learned so much about myself in that time, I really found myself back, the one who was hiding all those years in a men's role.
In the emotional rollercoaster of hrt you are gonna know yourself, the way you react, the way you think, you learn who are real friends and who are not.
Count your blessings honey, with the support you have and when everything is done...remind my words.
I hope you can say the same thing when you look back as I did.


A lot of love and emotional rest
Annette

I was having a weird day.  Thanks for being kind enough to pep me up.   I REALLLLLYYY appreciated it (more than you know).
Sometimes I feel a little alone. I think I may join a support group in town.  I just need to talk to people that are going through the same thing. But yeah, it's a ride for sure.
AGAIN THANKS!
Stephie

[annette]

Hi Stephie

yeah, I know what you mean with weird days.
I had them often when I was on hrt the first years, that's because you're gonig up and down with emotions.
But, the good news is that it's gonna be more stabile in time, just like cis girls.
Amazing isn't it, puberty again ?

My expirience is that life will never be so intensive as the first phase of hrt, but maybe that's because you're more used to be a woman.
When I was in a shop at that time and the employe asked "can I help you maám"my day was great, thinking Woooow I am passing.
Now these days it's quite normal and ordinairy that people call me maám.
When I read your topic I had to think back to the old days, with a smile on my face, so you've made my day too, so thanks honey for reminding me.

love
annette

[sonopoly]

I think that it is great to have high goals and dreams and to try to strive for them, while also being happy and grateful for what you do have, and it seems like you have a lot!