Hello everyone, my given name is James and until recently I've struggled trying to hold back the true me. When I was really young I acted as a normal boy until I started middle school. I began feeling wrong with myself. I tried acting like one of the typical guys in my school, the stereotypical boy hitting on girls and trying to act macho. But I couldn't do it without feeling a deep pit in my heart like it was trying to tell me "This isn't you." As I got older I began questioning myself "Am I really a guy?" and it made matters worse when my father who, well let's just say is a guy who constantly checks out women and makes rude comments, and when he was done he'd ask me why I wasn't doing the same thing. I've never told him but his words about women felt like a stab at me as well. I tried my best to hide this self doubt and mostly succeeded. I left school and joined the Navy, got married to my high school girlfriend, and then about six months after, well life took a nose dive for me and I'll just say that I'm divorced now. I moved back to a town near my hometown and tried to pick up the pieces, but the feelings got stronger and I talked to a friend of mine and she pointed out that I act femmy a lot and that I had acted that way since we were young. I had heard about cross dressing and deep inside me I thought I'd try it and see what happens. So my friend and I went clothes shopping and I purchased a wig, got some ladies shoes and that night she helped me put make up on and get dressed in the outfit i bought and when we were done the hurting inside me stopped. I felt at home. So feeling really giddy I suggested we go somewhere in public and see how it goes. Well to make a long story short we went to a mall and I ran into my father and once he was done yelling at me I ran. Packed my things leaving the outfit and wig in the trash and left to go stay with my mother. That was 2005 and since then I've punished myself by denying what I knew was true. I'm 28 years old and I'm tired, tired of denying that I'm a woman trapped inside a mans body. So now I want to get out and meet people who have taken the steps at becoming who they know they are. I live in Washington State and I've been going through local support group sites and then found Susan's. I'm hoping that with talking to others on here and learn as much as I can about being transsexual and make the right choices for me. And hopefully one day in the future I will be able to be there for someone just starting as well. I have only to bright spots in this world one is my cat venture and the other is my best friend in the world who is standing beside me 100% in my decision to do what needs to be done to transition to who I really am and want to be.
