Very different people

[Ashleyjadeism]

Hi! I have YET ANOTHER thing I'm dealing with lol

I am not openly transgender, and only my close friends know... Heck not even all my family knows! And for 16 years, people have been getting to know me as a dude (A.J.) not Ashley...

Here's my problem... Ashley and A.J. are VERY different people... Me as Ashley, is caring and kind, loving, respectful, girly, very feminine sometimes. Me as A.J. is rude, pushy, uncaring, unfeeling, angry, bitter, looking for a fight, mean, hurtful, a bully, an overall terrible bizzarre person.

I'm afraid if I come out, it will be too big of a difference for my friends and they will not like me anymore. Although most of them know I'm transgender, almost none of them actually know Ashley... Everyone is used to angry and utterly creepy A.J. and I fear that most of my friends (not far from creepy weird themselves) will desert me because I'm too different...

[spacial]

Ashley.

Though I haven't transisioned, I live according to how I feel as a woman. I see myself as a woman, with an ugly bit that's done things to my body. I relate to the world, most of the time, as I feel, aware that the world sees me as male. I tolerate that as someone who has any other disfigurement must, with patience and understanding.

The exception is when I'm working. Simply because my priority is to earn my living. There, I try to be a fake male.

How would you feel about living acording to what you feel instead of the expectations of your appearance?

[Ashleyjadeism]

Ashley is who I am... BUT I've disguised myself by pushing people away and being rude and hurtful... Sometimes I try to be more like I really am, but people don't wanna give me a chance...

[CaitJ]

If it's too big a difference for them, then they're not really your friends.

[blair]

If it's too big a difference for them, then they're not really your friends.

Exactly.

[Lee]

I've been having a very similar fear.  I have, for quite a while, presented as a cute, bubbly, air headed girl.  People know me and generally like me that way, so it's hard to think of a way to explain that the ditsy femininity is in no way me.  Rather than coming out as "by the way, I'm a fairly level headed guy," I've been incorporating more aspects of myself into my interactions with my friends until I build up the nerve to explain things.

[Ashleyjadeism]

@ Lee

lol Based on your profile pic (if that's you) I can't imagine you as a ditsy chick...

I honestly think it would be impossible to remotly incorperate Ashley into my normal personality like that... I've spent years crafting my "disguise" and noone could ever suspect I was transgender. I like some aspects of my fakepersonality actually... Some of it may not be fake... I am truly really bizarre at heart lol hence my fisher price Fish shaped maraca!! Lol

[spacial]

@ Lee

lol Based on your profile pic (if that's you) I can't imagine you as a ditsy chick...

I honestly think it would be impossible to remotly incorperate Ashley into my normal personality like that... I've spent years crafting my "disguise" and noone could ever suspect I was transgender. I like some aspects of my fakepersonality actually... Some of it may not be fake... I am truly really bizarre at heart lol hence my fisher price Fish shaped maraca!! Lol

Perhaps you're thinking too far.

You just resist the compulsion to try to be what you're not. It takes time to relax and be comfortable with yourself.

In any social situation, everyone has to act according to what is acceptable.

[Tamaki]

I can relate to the problem your having.

About the time I entered grade school I started to create a male persona to protect myself. Over the years he became a very negative, angry and sarcastic person that keep most everyone at a distance. It kept me safe. What I was protecting was a very sweet, kind, feminine, girly girl.

The things is that the "friends" he has, what few there are, aren't friends with a real person. If suddenly they saw who I really am they would be shocked and probably wouldn't care for this "new" person. I would much rather find real friends who like me for who I really am.

Yes you will surprise people when your behavior changes but people adapt or move on, it's not the end of the world.

So I guess the question is do you really want to be friends with people who don't know you or respect who you are?

I'm willing to bet that Ashley will have much better and closer friends that AJ ever did.

[Ashleyjadeism]

Many of my close friends have told me now, that they will support me no matter what i think my tight circle of friends will stand by me, but I'll lose the less close people

[CaitJ]

Many of my close friends have told me now, that they will support me no matter what i think my tight circle of friends will stand by me, but I'll lose the less close people

That happens. You'll find other people to replace the 'less close' people though - better people 

[Ashleyjadeism]

Yeah the less close people are generally not a high caliber of people anyway lol

I have friends in VERY low places... I tend to gravitate towards the more unpopular kinda weird kids... Probably because they dont judge as much and I don't stand out in that crowd... And maybe cuz I'm weird

[Sandy]

Ashley:

Don't underestimate the ability of people to accept you.  Perhaps when you come out they may very well say "Oh so THAT'S why he was like that!"  The ones who stay and the ones who leave may surprise you.

Also, don't short change Ashley.

In your (male) life, you've probably had to make hard choices and been direct and even confrontational.  When you transition, you will still have those situations.  Being a girl does not automatically give you a pass on life's hard choices.  A woman has to be tough in this world.  You may get labeled as a bitch because of the choices you will have to make.

But perhaps you will be able to deal with these situations in a more compassionate way, since you will no longer be pretending.

And to paraphrase: "Beauty is only skin deep, but weird is to the bone!" 

-Sandy

[Ashleyjadeism]

I dont doubt there will be problems... But, I the choices I make now are to hide myself lol... And while I will still have to make some of the same choices, I can make them as Ashley and not the ever rude A.J.

Trust me, were this a face to face conversation in public, you would all think I'm a jerk...

[blair]

You're just gonna have to learn to take those walls down bit by bit so that your true self can shine.

[Ashleyjadeism]

Well I made one step forward... I actually got the courage to upload my picture lol

Hope to god noone on here recognizes me, but if they do... Oh well...

[Sandy]

Trust me, were this a face to face conversation in public, you would all think I'm a jerk...

I was quite an adept actor and I still love the stage.  I took naturally to the actors skills of character development and situational understanding.  In my acting classes I could easily take on virtually any role, because I could easily imagine the character and take up that "mask".

What people never saw was that when I left the stage, I exchanged one mask for another.  I always had to hold up that mask that other people expected.

And while I was respected as an actor, people never saw the real me.  All they ever saw was another character.  In my case, I played the buffoon.  The nerdy techie with the pocket protector (really) and tape on the glasses.

That character that I developed and played, was the way I learned to live through my early life.  Like many, I had to have my naturally effeminate mannerisms in movement and voice beaten out of me.  And there were plenty of volunteers to help me along the way.

Others, though, take a different path and develop a character that is often brusk, rude, and argumentative.  By holding up a mask of brutish masculinity they prove to the world (and perhaps to themselves) that they truly are male.

Yes, you can start making choices as yourself and not as AJ.  And perhaps you could start to moderate AJ's responses.  And in this way prepare the world for the way that you will eventually deal with it.

-Sandy

[Ashleyjadeism]

Lol I'm totally lost... Might be cuz my meds make me confused...

All I know is, when I'm ready to be Ashley, then imma be Ashley. I'll do what I feel, say what I feel, and act lie I wanna act... And if people don't like it, then it's their loss!! teehee... might help acting like a girl if I wasn't so d*** ugly

[Sandy]

Lol I'm totally lost... Might be cuz my meds make me confused...

All I know is, when I'm ready to be Ashley, then imma be Ashley. I'll do what I feel, say what I feel, and act lie I wanna act... And if people don't like it, then it's their loss!! teehee... might help acting like a girl if I wasn't so d*** ugly

I can be a bit too subtle at times.

What I was getting at was that the person you play now, the rude obnoxious guy, is just a character.  And it sounds like you don't like him very much.

You can choose how to respond to a situation.  As yourself, or as AJ.  You don't have to let yourself be driven by your character.

You can be you.  Really.

-Sandy

[Ashleyjadeism]

No offense to myself lol, but A.J. is a jerk... But I've played the part so long, it's expected. I've tested trying to be nice, and everyone thought I'd lost it... People at this point expect me to be rude, and suspect something when I'm not

NOTE: I utterly hate my male persona... I'm not proud of what I've created in A.J. and wish that I'd never been this way... A.J.'s personality is the reason I've had my nose broken 5 times...