My good mood is always ruined.

[Devyn]

I'm not saying that my mom is a bad mother, but she's usually the cause of my bad mood.

So, my best friend (who also doesn't understand that I'm transsexual) and I went to the mall. I bought a new button up shirt from the men's section of a store, a pair of pants that turned out to me way too tight in the thighs but I'll get over it even though they make me look more feminine (I'll never pass.  ), and a Dir En Grey t-shirt (even though it has a pink octopus on it and makes me look girly, it's amazing.)

Anyway, I get home and the front door is locked. So I'm pounding on the door until my parents FINALLY run downstairs and open the door for me. I texted my mom 20 minutes prior telling her I was coming home, but she wastes money on a cellphone that she has no damn use for. Fffffffu-

So then my mom asks what I got, I say stuff, but I tell her I bought a shark wallet from Hot Topic. She got mad about that because earlier today I told her I should buy a wallet and she said that I should buy a purse but I told her that I don't want a purse. At all. I've never wanted a purse. She knows that, I tried carrying a purse in...5th grade, I think, but I didn't like it at all.

So I show her my wallet because she wants to see it and I hand it to her and she's all mad and she's all, "WHO'S IRONFIST?"

I say it's a band.

She ignores me and when my step dad walks downstairs she's all "WHO'S IRONFIST?!"

And he's all, "I DON'T KNOW."

And I'm all, "It's a band!" And I try to snatch my new wallet back but she gets all mad that I'm trying to take it back when all she's doing is getting mad about it!

Of course, Ironfist isn't actually a band, but I thought it was at the time. I mistook it for something else. XD My bad.

Anyway, so she asks what I bought so I start to show her and she gets all mad at me because when she was all, "DID YOU TRY ON THOSE PANTS?!?!?!" I said, "Yeah." but apparently I said it in an unsure way.

So I showed her my Dir En Grey t-shirt and my pants because I told her how blue my pants were and she wanted to see and that's how it got on the subject of if I tried on the pants.

Then, I pulled out the button up shirt that I bought from the men's section of the store my best friend went into which took all of my courage because my best friend...she still doesn't understand my gender. She still calls me "ma'am" unless I correct her, then she laughs and says "sir" and I told her that I was my other friend's "son", so she said that I'm her "daughter", or "son", if I'd rather be her son.

Too bad neither of them are my real mom.

Anyway. I take this shirt out after saying that it was weird because it was a long shirt but it fit my body. So my mom asked to see it and I took it out of the bag and she's all, "It's like a tunic. It would look really good with a pair of leggings and boots."

W.


T.


F.


No! She stalks me on the internet, including on Susans.org, and she STILL doesn't get it! My. God.

Dear mother,

If you are reading this,

I am a BOY. I would sooner kill myself before I wear leggings and/or boots. I am NOT your daughter. I am NOT going to carry a purse. I am NOT going to wear leggings. I am NOT going to wear a dress again even if my life depends on it. I am NOT going to grow my hair out again unless I still pass. I am NOT here to be what YOU want.

I can't wait till I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm so happy that I get to see her. She's the ONLY one that seems to care at all even if she doesn't know what GID or ->-bleeped-<-/transsexualism is.


I'm sorry. I don't even know where this was supposed to lead to. It's just a rant, really. I needed to vent and my only friend to truly talk to, I can't call her at the moment.

I told most of my friends that I was honestly surprised that I even made it to 2011 when they asked what my new years resolution is and I told them I never thought of one. I thought that I would have killed myself by the end of 2010 (which was undoubtedly the worst year of my life so far). I don't know how I'm going to make it to the end of 2011.

I either need a new family or different friends that actually give a ->-bleeped-<- about if I'm dead inside.

[Devyn]

i know it's hard when they don't seem to take you seriously. but honestly it's likely just ignorance. not maliciousness or not caring. i was talking about parenting and my grandma said "...you want to be a mother??" and then she realized that what she said was really stupid. eventually your mother will get it too, she just seems in huge denial.

Man, I don't even think she's capable of having denial. For her, she just makes assumptions and no matter what you tell her, she's right.

I'm not a butch lesbian, so I must be a straight girl.

I'm not screaming at the top of my lungs to her that I want to be a boy, so I must be a girl.

I tell her that I like girls more than guys but I'm still bisexual, so I must be a lesbian because bisexuals are confused.

I tell her I'm bisexual, so I must be confused because I'm a teenager.

She just makes assumptions. It's not even denial.

[Nikolai_S]

I'm really sorry to hear you're not doing well. Do you have any plans to tell her directly soon? If she's ignored what she's seen here, it might take an actual conversation to snap her out of it. Mothers are difficult, they traumatise their children in all sorts of ways, and they often don't understand what we go through, but they can't help but care. They might show it by being possessive, overprotective, or denying things that might pose a threat to their family, but they do care. Better friends is probably the best option if you still have problems with her.

Are you near either Rochester NY or Portland OR? Or even Pittsburgh? I'm in New York, and I know some people in Portland and Pittsburgh who could help you out. And send me a message if you want to. I could use someone to talk to at times too, and my life is calm enough now that I'm happy to be on standby for you if you need it.

[Devyn]

I'm really sorry to hear you're not doing well. Do you have any plans to tell her directly soon? If she's ignored what she's seen here, it might take an actual conversation to snap her out of it. Mothers are difficult, they traumatise their children in all sorts of ways, and they often don't understand what we go through, but they can't help but care. They might show it by being possessive, overprotective, or denying things that might pose a threat to their family, but they do care. Better friends is probably the best option if you still have problems with her.

Are you near either Rochester NY or Portland OR? Or even Pittsburgh? I'm in New York, and I know some people in Portland and Pittsburgh who could help you out. And send me a message if you want to. I could use someone to talk to at times too, and my life is calm enough now that I'm happy to be on standby for you if you need it.

Yeah, I was planning on telling her sometime soon because last time I talked to my therapist she asked why I don't tell my mom face-to-face. So, I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow about how I should tell my mom, and then I'll probably bring it up in the next week or so. If everything goes the way I want it, that is.


No, I'm no where near those places unfortunately.

[Brent123]

I'm sorry man. That's rough. I haven't told my mom but she knows I like wearing guys clothes. She used to bother me about dressing feminine and I would blow her off. Eventually, she stopped making comments. Maybe that'll happen with you mom.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck.