Should I come out?

[Ashleyjadeism]

Hello!!

So, lately, I've been wanting to come out... I really really wanna do it, but I'm not sure if it is a good idea at this time... Here's my pro's and con's

Cons: I live in redneck country, people around here are not very accepting, alot of people already don't like me, i get picked on already, people might desert me, I might be beatup or killed, there are only 2 other transgender people in town

Pros: Hiding depresses me, I've already overdosed on drugs 2 times and I want to turn my life around, I have many supportive friends, my brother is 6 feet tall and over two hundred pounds and has sworn to protect me, I am somewhat popular with alot of the more liked kids at school, I can always move somewhere nicer, I don't give a damn what others think of me

Is it a good idea or not?

[Sandy]

Getting support for your transition is very important.  Having the encouragement of your family and friends can make a big difference.

First, if at all possible, get to a therapist.  Preferably one who is trained in gender identity issues.  You mentioned that you live in redneck country, so that could be problematical. 

You also mentioned that there were a couple of other trans people in your area.  Try to get in contact with them for advice about how they managed there.

Remember, once you tell, you cannot ever untell.  This is a very big step and if you decide to come out to people, even if you ask them to keep it a secret, it will get out.  You will very probably endure quite a bit more picking on, so be prepared.  It's one thing not to care what other people think, but it would be an invitation to violence to some.

Additionally, I believe you mentioned that you are still in high school.  You may be better served if you wait until you graduate.  You will have more options available to you if you decide to relocate or go to school.

Only you can make the decision whether or not to come out.  But getting advice from a therapist or a trusted relative can be helpful in making your decision.

-Sandy

[Ashleyjadeism]

Im not so worried about violence... I may be small and girly lol, but I KICK ASS!! I've been in my share of fights...

I also know the two other transgender people, and they are not open about it...

[rianyu]

I think the smartest thing to do is try and endure it till you graduate. That's a time when, if needed, you can easily move on to better things and better people should the ones you have now abandon you for this.

I also find that college/uni (assuming you intend to go) have a greater variety of people and those with more 'real life' experience. You have more chances to get people with different backgrounds and perspectives that may not treat you so hostile. It is also your chance to move out of redneck country.

Seeing a therapist still seems like a good idea though, just to help with the coping until you feel safe to come out.

[Ashleyjadeism]

Im going to move to seattle when I graduate. There is a school I want to go to out there. I was supposed to see a counselor weeks ago, but they have not contacted us yet... Court ordered therapy i think...

[spacial]

I have to agree with rianyu on this one.

[Ashleyjadeism]

I agree, but my inner voice says do it anyway... WHY DOES MY INNER VOICE HATE ME?! This is the same inner voice that made me huff aerosol cans and overdose on benedryl... I should not listen to my heart lol

[MarinaM]

You come out when you can handle it.

This is the sort of thing that advice won't help. If you endure a hostile environment now, it's best to wait until you've moved to be completely open.

But let me contradict myself and apply my experience to say that I (personally) would come out, you'll regret not doing it later, and you may earn yourself some girlfriends in the process. 

[Ashleyjadeism]

I may do it just to stir up some controversy... This drab little town is much too boring lol


At least whenever I come out, I can get a haircut... I dont want to get a haircut now, because I'd have to get a dude haircut, and would be ridiculed if I got a feminine one... My hair just keeps growing and growing and I can't style it at all... I havent had it trimmed or cut in two years

[MarinaM]

I may do it just to stir up some controversy... This drab little town is much too boring lol


At least whenever I come out, I can get a haircut... I dont want to get a haircut now, because I'd have to get a dude haircut, and would be ridiculed if I got a feminine one... My hair just keeps growing and growing and I can't style it at all... I havent had it trimmed or cut in two years

Visit the salon and drop a bomb on 'em. Come in at the beginning of the week in your best dress and move on with the rest of your life.

What am I doing? Don't listen to me! High school was hell for me too!

[Ashleyjadeism]

Well... I'm a little more inclined to do it now that I've seen some old photos from 2009... I've changed SOOO much since then, and the person everyone knows is already more feminine than when most of them met me... Everyone already thinks I'm gay anyway lol

I'm just seriously blown away at how much I've changed and didn't notice it... I can't even tell pictures from 2009 were even me...

[spacial]

This is the same inner voice that made me huff aerosol cans and overdose on benedryl... I should not listen to my heart lol

No, that was just a bit of stupidity.

If you ever find someone who has never been stupid, really really stupid, then be very careful. They will probably explode.

Sensible people, learn form stupidity, then put it behind them.

Don't, let a stupid phase destroy your confidence in yourself.

[Ashleyjadeism]

I've begun to think I cant come out... My mom's recent behavior leads me to belive I'd have no support...

[rianyu]

That sucks :/

I guess that's more of a sign you should wait till you can be on your own. I know a lot of people regret not coming out sooner and missing out living their early lives as what they truly are, but you need to think beyond that. Prepare yourself to be self-sufficient so that if they really won't support you, it won't hit as hard?

[spacial]

I've begun to think I cant come out... My mom's recent behavior leads me to belive I'd have no support...

With respect, that is'nt a valid reason not to do anything.

The problem with your mom, from your other posts, is that she makes every issue about herself. That's quite sad really. She has some srious problems and if something could be done, then it would. But sadly, experience suggests that the only way for people to gat past that type of problem is when they are ready.

You, on the other hand, need to live your own life. That means cutting those apron strings. You mom will be fine. She is quite capable of caring for herself, but while you remain, she won't take that step.

So, when you have the opportunity and resources, get on your horse and move on.

[Ashleyjadeism]

I honestly don't need another thing for her to bitch about or to make about her... I know, she'd find some way to make it all about her!!

Perfect example of what she does happened today...

The women at church had a short meeting about a lady who's husband is about to die from cancer. They decided they'd do a valentines meal for them, seeing as it is more than likely going to be the last valentines day the couple has together. It is almost certain that the husband will die in a few days, and the lady has had to watch him slowly die for a few years. Sounds sad right? My mom, comes out of the meeting, gets in the car, and begins to weep!! She said it was so hard to sit through that meeting cuz she doesn't have anyone for vanetines day, and that she had the right to cry cuz my dad is dead!! She even said this, "Everyone at that meeting INCLUDING the lady who's husband is dying still has their husband... I don't have anyone." She continued to cry and complained about how lonely she is!!

That was probably the most self-centered, selfish thing I had ever heard. That poor woman's husband is about to die from a horrible cancer, and is preparing to eat the last meal she will ever have with her husband, and my mom manages to turn the conversation around to her!!

And before that, she had decided NOT to take her wheelchair to church, saying that she was having a good day and could walk...Wasn't even 30 minutes into the service before she started cringing and crying over her hip!! Then, she complained and cryed about how much pain she was in the entire time after church!! I said she should have brought the wheelchair, and she replied in a VERY sarcastic tone, "Oh wow, thanks alot... *sniff* That's really compassionate, THANKS for your sympathy..." Then continued to cry about how much her hip hurt and how she couldn't sit in the chairs at church... THEN WHY THE F*** DIDN"T YOU BRING THE WHEELCHAIR?!

She has the money to get her hip fixed, and she could easily get it done... But her excuse is that she can't leave me and brother alone for that long, keep in mind that my bro is 18 and I'm not far behind!! We are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves while she could get the surgery, BUT instead she insists on staying home and making me and my brother be her friggin nurses!! She has noone else that helps her, she wont get any outside assistance. She just makes me and my brother basically parent her and baby her all the time!!!!

Sorry... I know this didn't have much to do with the thread, but I needed to vent... I have noone to talk to about this stuff, and I'm just losing my mind I'm so angry with her!!

[spacial]

Yes. I can understand that.

I don't know the American education system very well, but I understand that the usual route is either college or trade school?

Bide your time until you can do one or the other.

Your mom simply hasn't come to terms with her loss yet. That may sound self serving and to an extent, it is. But equally, it isn't as uncommon as you might think.

When you and your siblings leave home and she is left on her own, then she will. But in the mean time, you're going to have to endure this I'm afraid.

Just be strong and don't get angry. She is really angry, though you may not know it. Just work toward getting something done with your life and don't antagonise her.

You have freinds here. You know that. You can post as often and as much as you wish.

[Ashleyjadeism]

Me and my brother bust our asses to take care of her, and all she does is bitch about everything!! She is outright rude to my brother... He does the least thing wrong and she yells at him, tells him he is scatterbrained and never going to college!! She is convinced that he is stupid and isnt going to college which he has every intention of doing...

People keep telling me to be nice and to see it from her point of view, but I do that constantly and get tortured for it!! I say again, I have gotten NO comfort or relief since I almost died from a drug overdose, and have actually had to comfort her over it!! I had to comfort her while I was in rehab!! And now, I've been trying to talk but of course she is flat out ignoring me!! I've spoken directly to her at least 10 times and she hasn't even looked over here!! She's too busy watching tv!!

FML i cant take much more of this crap!!!

[spacial]

I wish I could say it will stop, or suggest how to deal with it.

it won't stop while you're both there. She needs to cut the apron strings.

Until you both do, the crap will continue.

But make plans. Don't try to rush it. If possible, stand up for each other, while seeking independant lives.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. You could try talking to your church. Though in my experience, churches rarely know very much that isn't part of their norm.

[rianyu]

I think, coming from a different way of thinking and how my family works, this is what I can get from it...

She's not necessarily doing these dumb things to torture you and your brother. I think, especially since she is now a single parent of two kids, she's lonely. I know I know...she should go and get some friends and interact but...

My uncle's mother (who died recently, rest in peace) was extremely ill. I think my aunt and uncle spent almost all of heir income getting her care and taking time from their company to look after her. But all she did was throw insults at them, asking them why they were late if they were even 1 minute later than they said they would. She would always complain about how terrible her life was and whatnot. My aunt was pretty fed up and my uncle was doing his best to keep her happy.

I think, looking at her, I was angry too. How could someone be so selfish? But when she died, I realized maybe why she was such a pain in the ass...
In her eyes, she probably thought no one loved her even though my aunt and uncle dedicated their lives on her. They were the only people she had in her life. Her own husband wouldn't visit her (granted, I think he's 100 and it takes him 10 minutes to get to the phone when we call), her oldest son is back in asia and her youngest son is a useless p.o.s. All this was a desperate cry for attention. I think she was scared to be alone on her deathbed. She WANTED to be taken care of and she WANTED attention 24/7.

It doesn't excuse her actions and the way she treated the people around her, but it's also very sad when I look at it from her perspective.

Being angry at your mother probably will just worsen the situation. She's throwing tantrums now, for some reason. Maybe the loss of her husband and your father is still weighing on her. Maybe she doesn't want you, her children, to leave her or be something she can't accept. That's not too hard to understand, every parent whether or not they admit it, already have an 'ideal' version of their children in their heads. As soon as their child deviates from that ideal, they tend to have trouble dealing with it. For her, even her 'ideal' family has a crack in it already with your dad's death. At least, that's what I assume.

Anyway, I'm not saying this is the case :x I don't know your mother.

I think Spacial is right - make plans to move away. Your mother needs to move on and grow up. You and your brother need to move away and show her you can live without her support. She will then realize she needs to support herself while she can. But holding a grudge and being angry at her right now won't make anything better. Keep your chin up! Your life isn't over yet - it's only starting.