The so common greek trans-tragedy

[Alyssa M.]

First, right now, I'm not sure of anything. I know I experience GID, but for all I know, this could be a temporary situation, or at least be something that I could change without having to go trough the whole process of transition.

Right ... I told myself that, too. We all did. But hey, who knows?

And maybe you just need to learn that lesson the hard way. I think that's true for a lot of people. To a large extent, it was true for me, too. But let me tell you one thing: I have never met a trans woman who didn't wish she could have transitioned earlier.

[ClaireA]

Right ... I told myself that, too. We all did. But hey, who knows?

And maybe you just need to learn that lesson the hard way. I think that's true for a lot of people. To a large extent, it was true for me, too. But let me tell you one thing: I have never met a trans woman who didn't wish she could have transitioned earlier.

I think you are right on with this. I think a lot of us went through the stage of "maybe this is just temporary. If I just try this time, maybe it'll go away". It doesn't. But, maybe it's something that needs to be experienced before it can be believed.

And, ditto on that: I have never met a trans woman who didn't wish she could have transitioned earlier. Even for us younger ones - earlier would have been even better.

[CaitJ]

I broke up with the woman I was seeing just before I transitioned; she was interested in <John Smith>, the lanky, toned dude with chiselled good looks and a big willy, not the woman I intended to become.
I also didn't want to put a partner though the hell of me transitioning; I knew it was going to be horribly emotional, mentally exhausting, financially difficult and generally a pretty ->-bleeped-<- time. I just couldn't put someone through all that.

[Jennie]

Wow, that is so sad, I wish she could see you for what you are inside.
I am scarde too because I am married and have been for over 25 years, how do I tell my wife that she married a girl, I have not told anyone yet, but I know that will change in the future, when I don't know but it will happen.
Hang in there and keep talking to her about it, show her some of the scientific studies that have been done showing that we actually have the brain of a girl and the body of a boy and visa versa with the F2M, it is well documented that there is a bonified difference.

Jennie

[Cindy]

One thing about GID is that it never goes away. I think (and purely talking MtF here, as I have no experience of FtM) many 'men' with GID try all sorts of means to prove their masculinity and to 'cure' themselves. I think there are many MtF who have been in very male orientated jobs for a cure, taken up very male sports, married and had children so they could be a normal male.  With few exceptions it doesn't work. And even the exceptions that I know, continue as 'male' with a determination and a love of their partner that is crushing to them. I came to Australia to have SRS, the story is in lots of threads so I'm not going in to it, but I did meet a woman who accepted me. We did manage to be together, we never had children as I'm sterile and we knew that before marriage and IVF wasn't an option in those days (before it became 'mainstream').  I think it is absolutely 100% important that if 'we' are female that we tell our partners.  It is totally unfair on them to have their lives and dreams shattered; no much how we love them. If we truly love them we tell them. I think it is widely accepted that women take time and patience (even if subconsciously) to find a father for her children. If we are GID we are being very unkind to her by deceiving her that we are the material she wants, and wasting her reproductive years. I'm sorry if that sounds sexist or overly clinically psychosimple, but I think the point is important. Whose desires and dreams are we responsible for? In a relationship both are responsible to each other. If one denies the knowledge of feelings, thoughts desire and wishes to a partner, we deny them the right to make a loving choice.

I'm always reminded by a story, which may be an urban legend, of a new bride calling her Mum on the first day of marriage. She married an undertaker (I'm not insulting these fine people BTW), on her wedding night he told her to take a cold bath and lie perfectly still. Maybe this should have been discussed before the wedding?

Cindy

[Carlita]

One thing about GID is that it never goes away. I think (and purely talking MtF here, as I have no experience of FtM) many 'men' with GID try all sorts of means to prove their masculinity and to 'cure' themselves. I think there are many MtF who have been in very male orientated jobs for a cure, taken up very male sports, married and had children so they could be a normal male.  With few exceptions it doesn't work. And even the exceptions that I know, continue as 'male' with a determination and a love of their partner that is crushing to them. I came to Australia to have SRS, the story is in lots of threads so I'm not going in to it, but I did meet a woman who accepted me. We did manage to be together, we never had children as I'm sterile and we knew that before marriage and IVF wasn't an option in those days (before it became 'mainstream').  I think it is absolutely 100% important that if 'we' are female that we tell our partners.  It is totally unfair on them to have their lives and dreams shattered; no much how we love them. If we truly love them we tell them. I think it is widely accepted that women take time and patience (even if subconsciously) to find a father for her children. If we are GID we are being very unkind to her by deceiving her that we are the material she wants, and wasting her reproductive years. I'm sorry if that sounds sexist or overly clinically psychosimple, but I think the point is important. Whose desires and dreams are we responsible for? In a relationship both are responsible to each other. If one denies the knowledge of feelings, thoughts desire and wishes to a partner, we deny them the right to make a loving choice.

I'm always reminded by a story, which may be an urban legend, of a new bride calling her Mum on the first day of marriage. She married an undertaker (I'm not insulting these fine people BTW), on her wedding night he told her to take a cold bath and lie perfectly still. Maybe this should have been discussed before the wedding?

Cindy

What wise words ... I am just coming to the end of a 29-year relationship/marriage in which I did the classic denial thing: I tried to be a man. I had the kids (and weirdly, I am totally a FATHER to them, no matter how strong my GID) ... and all it's led to is a deeply unhappy wife; clever, beautiful, lovely, but messed-up children and me still stuck with the male body I should have got rid of years ago.

We are who we are. God knows I have done everything I ever could to deny it ... so much therapy, so many pills (testosterone supplements, Viagra, you name it), so much heartache and secret longing ... but in the end, the truth will out.

One thing you said, Cindy, that rings so, SO true to me is this ...  "I think it is absolutely 100% important that if 'we' are female that we tell our partners.  It is totally unfair on them to have their lives and dreams shattered; no much how we love them."

Whether we like it or not, a heterosexual woman (particularly a young one, who wants children) wants and needs a heterosexual man. It's not prejudice, or bias, or meanness if they say no to a TS. We aren't what they want, any more than a cat is a dog-lover's ideal pet. We just have to accept that.

[Alyssa M.]

There's a bit of me that's skeptical: maybe there are some for whom their gender dysphoria goes away for whattever reason, and we don't hear about it because they just blend back into society.

But I doubt that actually happens, except perhaps extremely rarely. If it was at all common, you would think that you would hear from at least a few such people, that they might want to share their stories, and so you would run across them at least occasionally on forums such as this one. But I have literally never heard of such a thing happening. The closest it gets to that is with those people who decide they are content not to transition, and seem to remain content with that decision. I can think of at least one prolific poster on this forum who fits that description. But it's very rare to hear of people reversing a decision to move forward in some aspect of their transition.

[Northern Jane]

I have never met a trans woman who didn't wish she could have transitioned earlier.

LOL! I tried when I was 14 (1964) but didn't have much (as in ANY) support ... I guess it was too early 

[babykittenful]

Right ... I told myself that, too. We all did. But hey, who knows?

And maybe you just need to learn that lesson the hard way. I think that's true for a lot of people. To a large extent, it was true for me, too. But let me tell you one thing: I have never met a trans woman who didn't wish she could have transitioned earlier.

I have no trouble believing that you have never met a trans woman who didn't wish she had transitioned earlier because they Are transitioning. I think it's only legitimate that the people who are still here on this forum are here because they went for transition, but the sample is biased! There has to be some people who Have experienced GID, dealt with it and are no longer here to talk about it! And to Alyssa, I am not in any process of transition because I have yet to figure out what is right for me. Therefore, I'm not saying I might "regret transition", I'm saying I have yet to take a decision regarding the necessity of it. And I am pretty sure that there are a very good number of persons who have considered transition at some point in their life, but then decided that it wasn't for them. This is what I am talking about.

I know it sounds a lot like I am trying to fall in denial, but this isn't what I am doing. I'm just trying to have a realistic view of what is happening to me. Right now, my hearth is telling me that I want to be a woman. But my hearth has been wrong in the past. I have had a personal history of depression during which I developed obsessions about being handicapped so that I could get cared about. This was just a phase and I no longer feel that way, but during that period, I was convinced about my stuff. I don't feel like I am in depression anymore, but GID looks awfully a lot like how I felt during that time, and this is one of the reason why I have doubts about the necessity of transition.

Also, I feel like the whole concept of transition hurts so many of what I thought were my core values. Right now, I have a healthy body that physiologically function properly. I also consider myself to be a very balanced person beside my gender dysphoria. I have friends, a girlfriend, I go to school and I have a very satisfying part-time job as a lifeguard. I like to think that I have the capacity to be self-reliant, without being totally dependent on the modern society to provide me with my needs (I have a strong interest in survival techniques and voluntary simplicity). If I choose to go trough HRT, I'll have my whole endocrine system unbalanced by an artificial income of hormones. I'll become dependent on drugs when I pride myself in taking none. If I go trough SRS, I'll take a functional organ and voluntarily turn it into a wound which I'll have to tend to the rest of my life. If I go full time, I'll have to go trough the social turmoil of being considered a marginal being, I'll have to face the fact that I'll be more vulnerable to hate crimes and discrimination.

Of course, I know it's not all bad. HRT would certainly allow me to develop some body features that I crave to see every time I look at myself in the mirror and when I read about the psychological effects it has on the people taking it, I can't help but dream about it. SRS would allow me to have genitalia that actually match how I feel about my body. It would allow me to actually feel my sexuality the way I want to feel it. Finally, being full time would allow me to wear the clothes I've always dreamed about. If I'm lucky, I'll also be passable enough to feel the delight of being gendered as female by the people around me. That is probably the part of transition that I crave the most. This is also the one which cannot be guarantied to work. If somehow, the magic doesn't work and people can't see the woman I am, I'll be forever stuck in a body seen has an error of nature.

I don't like how medical transition is so imperfect, how it puts so many aspects of my life in danger while giving me no guarantee of obtaining what I want the most. I also hate that transition makes me so dependent of our society. If at some point in my life I want to travel, I certainly won't be as adaptable as I could be without all those changes. What hurts the most however is that even while know all of this, even while knowing all this crazy ->-bleeped-<- and understanding that one would have to be mad to voluntarily go trough all this (no offense meant)... I still feel the craving inside of me.

I know that there is a fair probability that I will feel the way I feel now for my whole life. But if there is any way that I can manage to actually find another road, one that wouldn't put so many things at risk while still being happy...

As for my relationship with my girlfriend, I am confident that she will know when this is too much for her. I am very open to her and I don't hide the way I feel. She knows just as much as I do that there is a serious chance that I might choose to go through transition. Like the saying says, let's cross the bridge once we are at the river. Fact is, I'm on my way to the river, but I'm not there yet. If I choose to cross the bridge, whatever will happen will happen. If I choose not to cross the bridge, same goes there.

Thanks a lot to all of you for your insightful opinions, I really like what this place allows me to put forward.