I know my body is a mess but good grief

[SarahM777]

I should have known better then to look at the SNL tape. Nature was not kind to me but it is what it is. I am not alone. I look in the mirror and
i feel like i look just like the jokes HA HA.
I did not do this to myself. Nature saw fit to give me both. I don't have muscles,very little body hair,41 in hips and a 34 in waist which if i lose a few pounds around the middle will become even more pronounced, a small rib cage, a set of 38 A's, my voice is naturally a higher tenor and i have been been called ma'am on the phone and even in the store before the hair loss i would be called ma'am or sir and the top of my head makes a bowling bowl cry. I know what's bothering me most is that it's like you're making this choice but i did not choose this.
I am sorry for the rant but it is bothering me really badly today.

[spacial]

Hugs to you Sarah

[Jacquelyn]

Hugs to you Sarah

Seconded. Many hugs and positive thoughts are headed your way, Sarah. You are a brilliant and kind lady, it shows in all of your posts. Rant away, sister, everyone has a bad day they need to get out of their system.


Many, many, many hugs,
Jacquelyn

[bethw]

I know how you feel Sarah. i really do and all I can do is send some more hugs.
Hugs, hugs, hugs.
Beth

[SarahM777]

Thank you all and Hugs 
I am just tired of hiding not because i want to so much but i feel like i have to. I don't want to continue going to places and feel like i have to be so careful of watching my back. I find myself checking all the exits being careful not to get to close to anyone and that is no way to keep living.
I know i can just keep going on like i am but it's a dead end road going no where fast. And knowing the family history i could live another 40+ years like this. (Longer life in my family is very common)
I do like my curves it has helped so much in feeling a bit more normal. (Although a bit more in the curves department would be nice) LOL So i do have the hope that things can get better. I know i am just starting out on this part of the journey and i feel like i am just starting to crawl and i do have so much to learn how to go from where i am now to where i want to go. There can be no turning back anymore.
I do have one person that was very very close to me and after seeing what she went through and she made it to the end. (She did not have to deal with GID but she had to deal with multiple birth defects) As she was my sister i saw what she had to deal with for 48 years. She had passed on about 3years ago. She never gave up,she just kept trying,she got through College, a family and had a fairly good life. And i know it sounds a bit off the wall but at times it seems like i can hear her telling me.  "See everything i went through and i made it i know you can make it too" There is a small part of me that wants her to be proud of me. And there is another small part that kicks in and is just stubborn enough to just not give up because she didn't, i mean after all how i can let her get the best of me LOL
Although with my sense of humor i am also seeing something that could be a very big positive. I can see myself getting back to the point where i can afford to get back into therapy,getting dressed in my most form fitting clothing and throwing on a shirt as a wrap getting to the therapist office and being able to talk for a bit and then getting to the point of why i feel like i need to have my body changed and giving the therapist a wry smile,opening my shirt and saying "If you looked like this wouldn't you want to fix it?" LOL

[SarahM777]

Seconded. Many hugs and positive thoughts are headed your way, Sarah. You are a brilliant and kind lady, it shows in all of your posts. Rant away, sister, everyone has a bad day they need to get out of their system.


Many, many, many hugs,
Jacquelyn

Thanks Jacquelyn,
  Thank you. I am sorry i did not respond to you sooner on this. Your post made me think about a couple of things that i do have a very hard time seeing in myself. I do realize i have a very hard time with my self esteem and also self confidence. I have to address both of these also otherwise they will continue to hold me back.
Right now the emotions are so raw and it has been a long time since they were this raw. Being this emotional right now for me means i will have to let my emotions out (Not good to bottle them up) and then afterwards come back to look at the problem,because the emotions are magnifying everything. And it's not quite as bad as it seems when i let the emotions run wild.
  I think i am getting better. At least i can see what i need to do 

Hugs
Sarah