Challenge to a Wife

[so]

I am in desperate help here.I am a newlywed less then 2 years.I have all along suspected something differant about my husband since the marriage.he was the man of my dreams before the marriage.After the marriage my world was literally turned upside down.I had finally confronted the issue and he has finally came clean.I knew he resented a woman in his life out of jelousy due to he desperatly wanted to be one.Our sex life revolved around him in relationships with men.I knew he wasnt intrested in me as a woman and desired men.WHich was the hardest thing for me to deal with at the time.He looks at nude pics of men and porn with men etc, talks of dressing like a woman.This has been a long stnding issue with him since child hood.Fortunately I had training in gender Idenity disorder and recognized it.Emotionally i have become a basket case and knew i had to get this out and deal with it.Mainly for myself.I had a bilateral mastecomy a year ago and have been struggling with it emotionally and the severe disfigurement of this.I am really struggling with the fact that he doesnt find me desireable as a woman and desires relationship with men.I have tried to explain to him how difficult this is for me he is so elated it is out in the open he forgets about my emotional needs.He know chats etc and talks openly of his sexual desires of men etc.However I lay in the bed while he is exploring himself with others etc and feel totally rejected and neglected.He then gets all turned on from his male photos and chat  and then comes to bed and wants to have sex with me,I just cant do it.I to no evail tell him he must learn to become sensitive to my emotional needs.I am trying to be supportive, no subjec t him to guilt because of the way he is.And I want him for the first time in his life be free.But I ask him what about me emotional and physical needs?He has no answer nor i dont think cares, all thats important at this point is that he is free and i have accepted him for who he is.I have told him it is very hard when a woman knows with all he being he does not desire her, and i am just a public front.HE JUST DOESNT GET WHERE I AM COMING FROM !!!ANY SUGGESTIONS.I have suggested he talks to others to help him transition into a differant relationship with wife etc.

[cindianna_jones]

so,

You are obviously very unhappy with this situation (as I would be).  If you can't get him to work with you in a resolution you can both live with, there is really only one option.  You deserve a happy life.  If you can't get him to open up and work through it, you need to get away from the relationship.

Cindi

[beth]

              I would try going to counseling together to see if there is anything left to salvage.  I have serious doubts there is much there. 

              I strongly suggest that you absolutely do not engage in unprotected sex with him again.




beth

[Kate]

              I would try going to counseling together to see if there is anything left to salvage.  I have serious doubts there is much there. 

              I strongly suggest that you absolutely do not engage in unprotected sex with him again.

I very much agree with Beth here.

It doesn't sound like he's respecting you as a person whatsoever, and is simply taking advantage of your good heart and accepting nature to further his own, mostly sexual, needs.

In fact, in my humble opinion (and that's all it is, I'm no therapist), he sounds like an (probably effeminate) gay man - not a transsexual.

If nothing else, YOU might consider finding a good therapist to help you sort through your own feelings. My first impression is that you don't feel you deserve better, that by saying NO! to any of this would make you less of a good person somehow. But honey, you deserve to be happy. You deserve a life TOGETHER with someone, to be loved for who YOU are as well.

Kate

[katia]

i concord with cindi jones, beth, and kate.  you must unquestionably seek professional help.  it's a very difficult situation to try to handle on your own particularly because your husband may be on a [defensive] state of mind which makes communication between two people virtually impossible.  in any case, you also deserve some respect and understanding, and apparently, your husband isn't responding as he should.

[Gill]

Ho So:

Thank you for posting this and I appreciate your honesty in talking to us.  I know it was probably very hard for you.

This is a lot for you deal with.  It is to bad that he didn't trust you with the truth from the beginning.  If he had then things may be different.

Though I am no counsellor, I am not sure couselling would help.  There's a couple of things; if he cannot recognize your need for help/attention due to the mastectomy, if all he wants is a relationship with a man, then where does that leave you - alone in the quagmire.  I am sorry if I am being too blunt here, and I don't mean to add more fuel to the fire.  This is a hard road to travel and isn't for the feint of heart.  From one SO to another, so early into the relationship he's cheating on you with men, he shows no compassion for your needs, you may be better off out of it. 

Life is really too short to spend it miserably.

Gill

[Ms Bev]

SO...........

I am mtf and have been married a very long time......decades.  Surviving this transition this past year, and getting on with our lives, including enjoying all the things we like to do as a couple, including a mutually satisfying sex life requires absolute honesty, trust, and love.  I must admit, it sounds like your partner may not be TS.  Then again, maybe she is. Therapy is definitely in order for hir, as well as you, and perhaps together.  My heart goes out to you, but as Gill said, 'Life really is too short to spend it miserably'.

[Peggiann]

Dear Newly Wed,

Your post stirred  and stewed in me for the past few days. I have mixed thoughts running around in my mind.  I shall attempt to share them as clearly as I'm able to.

You shared so openly and bared more than most. Thank you for trusting in us here at Susan's.

You have had many lemons thrown your way. You now have to become the one to make lemonade. How strong or weak it turns out is up to you and will be determined by how well you handle the ingredients. Those are the issues youv'e been facing.

You bring up several points. I will start with what I feel most important.

Make no hasty choices of how to proceed with your relationship with your spouse untill you have come to grips with your new physical-self. It must have much impact on how your world looks and feels to you right now. It is important for you to come to see and love the person you are from the inside, the soul of you. Believe me I know this is not easy and not, a short time sort of recovery from such a thing to have ones body physically drastically altered. Your surgen or general practition should have shared this and more on how it would and will affect you and your spouse. They should also have set you up with a therapist for helping you cop as well. Share your feelings with your general practition and see what he suggests for you. Many Dr.'s share with the husband the patients need for support and reasurance. And finally this also brings me to possible implants for helping restore your body to what may make it easier for you to bare the reflexion in the mirror. Has this avenue been explored?

How all else looks and appears in your life may be tainted to were it feels unbearible and brings you to a panic feeling of helplessness due to your emotional state of mind resulting in the surgery you have been through. It is documented that surgery can cause these types of emotions and increase need for reasureance and attentions.  So until you get on top of your own acceptence of this it is hard judge and gage your full acceptence of your spouses lifestyle choices.

Which now brings me to the thoughts I have bumping around in my head over his actions.

I think reading here in the forums it appears when some in similar situations as his have been freed, some of them too have felt the need to test and try what has been suppressed for so long. For some the testing time lasts longer than others. Some never wise up in time to see how much they are hurting the one they love or have loved before to much damage has been done to be able to save something of the relationship.

Others have made many wise observations gathered from what you posted. I think that the most important part for you to gather from it all is you deserve to be happy and deserve to have your feelings taken into concideration. Love of oneself can be blinding and more powerful which is preventing one from seeing what they need to do for others sake. On the other hand love for another can keep us from meeting our own needs to. What a perfect statement Gill made in reference to length of life and living miseribly.

When you communicate your support and acceptance of you spouses physical and sexual choices and his need to be free you should have in the same breath layed out just what you needed from him and would be willing to go along with. Individual tolerance levels have been stated by others in response to your post. You, yourself will be the only one that knows how much you can still be able to maintain a healthy relationship through. Key word there was healthy

One solution might be for you or he to move to another residence while you are learning to love the total you body and soul. not I'm not suggesting terminating your marriage, just that that part be put on the back burner till your are more healed emotionally fromt he surgery. This may prevent you from being stressed and feeling overlooked and being subjected to the feelings of his inconsideration on your part. I think these are the most important issues figuring out how to help you heal emotionally first and then try to move forword from there. This may also give him the time he needs to test and try out the life choice sexually he seems to be persuing at all cost. (Insidently I ditto the protected sex suggestion made already). It may just help him better get where you are coming from. I'm sure you have heard that line there are givers and takers in the personalities of people. I'm sure you have also heard people only put one what we allow. It will also give you the space needed to have a re-entry into a shared life together with ground rules and limits set before actualy taking the steps to move back into the same home together.

I feel for you hurt emotionally and for your lose of you womanly parts. I know also this is not an easy thing to get over. You are in a mourning stage for what you have lost though the rest of you is still living. Here would be one good reason for stem cell tech. For this I am all for it.


Take care Dear Lady. Let us hear back from you if you can bring yourself to.

Warmly thought and written for you,
Peggiann

[Kim]

Just one thing I wish to add here. Since so many others have answered it the way I would in that counselling is your best, and probably only solution. Just be sure it's a counsellor who deals with TG issues as well if possible. Though I have doubts on this there is a small possibility your hubby is confused. Only a professional will help you in this situation.