I was having a conversation with my mother yesterday, and I was explaining why I find the idea of having a job terrifying. I said to her, that if I had a full-time job then I would have to
(1) Wear male clothes and scrupulously avoid perfume, make-up, body-sprays and jewellery. Her response was 'why would you want to wear these things in a work environment?' I replied because it is vitally important that I express my femininity I have had years and years of living in the closet and I find dressing and pretending to be a man psychologically and emotionally exhausting. My mother doesn't seem to see the contradiction of her accepting me as female and yet also expecting me to want to dress as a man and be seen as a man by future coworkers.
(2) Conform to male norms of behaviour. I would be expected to sit with the men at breaks and talk about male subjects. I told her that I wanted to sit with the women and talk with them and be accepted by them. I would also have to act the part of a man and this I know from past experience would utterly drain me, life would not be worth living. I don't want to be treated as a man by men and most especially not by women. My mother's reply to all this was ' you are reading too much into this just talk to women and men. Afterall women and men in the workplace do talk to one another. Don't divide people into male and female, just think of them as people.' I replied that of course men and women communicate in the office etc. However, men relate to women differently from the way they relate to other men. I don't want men talking to me about football, beer, cars, things, and objects when they wouldn't talk to a woman about these things. In short I told her I want men to accept me as a woman and for the women to accept me as a woman. This caused her to ask me 'why does anyone HAVE to know that you are female? Can't you just keep that to youself?' She went on about how no one will accept you. Instead of being accepted as female all I will accomplish by coming out in a work environment is that I may be sneered at and isolated. I know that she is trying to understand me and also trying to help but I found this conversation dispiriting and depressing. I felt that she thinks that transsexuality and transvestism are one and the same. She seems to think that I should only 'dress' as she calls it at night and at the weekends and only within the family home. She is worried about the neighbours. Actually I can understand this last bit. I have read several times of 'unpassable' transsexuals being hounded in their homes by gangs of teenage boys. Eggs have been thrown, windows smashed, graffitti sprayed and transwomen have been regualrly intimated and attacked. Often when the police arrive - if they arrive - the boys are long gone and all the police can do is note the damage and file yet another crime report. I really don't think that I could subject my mother and sister to all that.
Later on in an attempt as she saw it to compromise she said 'you know you could wear those unisex fragrances instead of perfume?' When she saw my reaction she said 'why does it have to be perfume? There are some nice smelling after-shaves you know?' I was too worn-down to do more than mumble ' I don't HAVE to wear perfume, I just want to have it as an option.' Vexing will be proud of me, I replied 'why should I slowly commit "mind-suicide" just to please cisgendered people. I get to deny my gender identity so that others will not feel uncomfortable around me?!' I have told my mother that I would actually find it easier to cope with overt hostility than to hide away and deny myself just to please others most of whom I don't care about at all. There is something to be said about taking the 'I am who I am and you be damned!' attitude.
