Non binary folks and dysphoria

[Sevan]

Hi all
I'm an androgyn on T and I've been REALLY lucky in not being dysphoric for quite a while. I haven't had my feminine flow for over a year...and out of no where I started bleeding. Just the littliest bit...but it didn't stop. It's increasing in flow and so I'm having to actively deal with it rather than just ignore it. (Before you even say anything...I've already contacted my doctor and have an appt to look into this)

It and my current stress levels have blindsided me with some gnarly dysphoria Which prompts me to ask you all...how do you experience dysphoria? What triggers you? What alieviates your dysphoria?

It's a sad thing...it's a super sucky thing...but it is one thing that does bring us trans folk together. It's something that majority of us know. (I recognize that not all trans folk do experience dysphoria) So I'm interested to know how us non binary folk experience dysphoria.

[Jaimey]

Honestly, I don't normally experience dysphoria unless I have money problems.  For whatever reason, money is the trigger that sends me into depression/dysphoria hell and the only thing I can really do to fix it is to relax and just trust that things will be all right...I definitely have to initiate some hard core apathy...or buy a book or two.  Shopping doesn't really help money matters out in the long run, though.  Oh, actually, I have two triggers.  Trigger number two is PMS...particularly if I combine it with not sleeping (which often happens...I think PMS causes me to not sleep well sometimes).  That one always catches me off guard and it's usually a day or two before it hits me that it's hormones and that they will level out soon.  I just have to ride that one out.    

Good luck at the doctor's! 

[ativan]

Mine seem to be all over. Or, it just happens when it wants. Having to be 'macho' situations I guess would really set me off. Any time I have to be manly, no  fem alowed.

Shaving my bod in a hot shower is just the best to make it all go away and I'm happy happy. I'l shave till I'm bleeding in several spots before I quit sometimes. The pain helps, I suppose it's the cutter in me wanting to get out again. Then the moisturizers.
Now I can't wait for my morning shower, just thinking about it.
Off to sleep now, I have my therapist in the morning. at the time I usually get up. Crap, now I have to get up earlier. Earlier shower, and there will be lots of hot water still.
Sleepy babble-babble, I'm typing slower and slower....nite meds just kicked in.
Love you all, nite

[Virginia]

Two-three hours of sleep a night, a life sucking malaise that took a Herculean effort to think of anything except all things female, my dyphoria was slowly driving me to insanity or suicide. The volume started to decrease the morning after I began HRT, continued to decrease for the first month. Hormones and presenting in public as female one day a week has kept my GD at bay for 13 months. The only time it even started to raise it's ugly head was this past summer when I stupidly experimented with the fragile balance of my control over my GD; the first in denying myself the day a week I publicly present as female for nearly a month, and the second in expressing my female self every other day for a week. The sleepless nights and waking malaise began to build rapidly in both cases. Going back to my once a week routine and my GD immediately came back under control.

[Snoeball]

The major source of my dysphoria stems from things of a sexual nature most usually involving hetero-cis-men.  Being talked to like I'm supposed to 'get' whatever drives their sexuality, like I'm supposed to be able 'relate' to their own sexual 'fetishes' and desires... When they try to start a dialogue with me using a term like, 'oh, I'd so hit that' or, 'would you look at that ass.'  "Umm, no I wouldn't 'hit' anything, and I don't really care about 'that ass.'"  Things like this bother me tremendously.  I mean, why would I understand this hetero-cis-male sexual logic, and why do they think I am 'supposed' to?  It's highly offensive and dysphoric for me.

Example:  I posted recently in the sexuality forum, and some of the response I got just, "ugh!"  Things like 'hey you get a virgin,' or 'guys usually love that,' not to mention all of the replies which had a *very* bitter flavor, but I think those two of the responses I remember most.  I thought to myself, "I come to ask a question on a trans forum and get blasted with this crap!?!?!"  I don't know whats worse, the having someone thinking that I should be relating to the 'guys' regarding sex, or thoughts about a serious emotional topic for me being responded to with such cold, blunt responses of 'you get a virgin, be happy.'  For what it's worth, I did get a number of thoughtful replies, so not be be read as 'bashing' the forum or anything here.  So yes... Sexually related dysphoria.

Other than the whole hetero-cis-male sexuality thing, I get pretty nasty dysphoria from females when they give me the 'snub' or 'dirty' look when I pass by, but this happens pretty rarely so it's not generally a big deal.

The rest of the dysphoria (basic kinda stuff) I had has been greatly slowed down by now, but it still stings sometimes.

And, the only thing that really alleviates it for me is time + isolation, or distractions... But... It'll be back eventually anyways.  =(

[LilDoberman]

I have the hardest time when I feel I'm being forced to be feminine.  Dressing up for holiday functions with the extended family is a really hard one for me.

[rite_of_inversion]

LilDoberman said:

I have the hardest time when I feel I'm being forced to be feminine.

*raises hand* Me too.

Snoeball, you just don't have a high sex drive, I guess.  I had a high sex drive as a teen, and the least of the unpleasant effects of having one is making obnoxious comments.  I was really stewing in it back then.

All I could think about was sex, sex sex in my teens...and I wasn't getting any sex, so my life was a very frustrated place.  I think that's what goes on with a lot of hetero cisguys, and what generates that kind of crude talk.

All lust, no access...I can attest that women were hard to pick up in my salad days- my upper twenties, when I lost a lot of weight and got slutty.
Men were fairly easy, though.

[Virginia]

I have the hardest time when I feel I'm being forced to be feminine.  Dressing up for holiday functions with the extended family is a really hard one for me.

And me as well. It was all I could do to make it through the first half dozen visits with the in-laws when my GD took a hold of me. Things have become much more bearable since I started HRT. But I still need a couple hours alone every day so I stop the masquerade and just be me when we go for a visit. It's worse when they come to stay. I know it is selfish with as little as they do come, but having to put on airs in my own home is extremely frustrating!

[Pica Pica]

I used to feel more dysphoric, but not any more.
I feel that I am dealing with the world as a solid, clear and true self now - that I'm not hiding anything.
Now I only feel miserable if something bad happens.

[Eva Marie]

I've always had a very low level of dysphoria/GD, but for the longest time i didn't know what it was. It was corroding my life away in bits and pieces and unhealthy habits as i was trying to cope with the feelings.

Then in August of 2010 - HELLO! I had several major episodes of GD, and STILL didn't recognize it for what it was. I only knew that I had a "noise" in my head, couldn't think, and i had an obsession about shopping for woman's clothes and cosmetics. It interrupted my work life, almost wrecked my home life/marriage, and was leading me to a very bad place. I was giddy and out of control. I was experiencing "gender euphoria". And then i had a meltdown. I couldn't function.

Fortunately, a transgender friend saw what was happening and stepped in and offered a shoulder to lean on. Talking it out helped me to realize what was going on, the mistakes that i was making, the risks i was running, and how i should handle myself going forward.

Now that i've met Ms. Dyspohria and have had a frank conversation with her - she's keeping her place. For now. I have no illusions about her power over me. We have a healthy respect for each other. I plan on making an appointment with a therapist to discuss my situation as soon as i get some time.

Dysphoria/GD is REAL, even for non-binary gendered people. I think that's a point that is largely missed in the transgender community as evidenced by some recent posts here in the androgyne forum.

[Shana A]

Dysphoria/GD is REAL, even for non-binary gendered people. I think that's a point that is largely missed in the transgender community as evidenced by some recent posts here in the androgyne forum.

It's certainly a very real thing for me! At one point in time, it was truly unbearable, and I transitioned, eventually coming to an understanding of myself as non binary. It occasionally flares up, however when I weigh all the options, I come around to the same choices as I've already made. So I live with it.

Z