Recently I've had tons on my mind, and I need a release...
Up until a few months ago my gender "issues" were fully known only to me (actually, not even FULLY to myself, either). In the past couple of years or so, a few friends and my girlfriend had seen some videos I watched of transguys on youtube, and my girlfriend even watched some of mine - but no one ever fully caught on. Maybe because I often express lots of interest in various things, especially "psychology" (mainly queer/sex/gender/LGBT issues). So, they maybe thought it was just curiosity on my part.
Then, a couple of months ago, my girlfriend found something I'd written one night when I just needed to get some things out - couldn't sleep, and I figured putting things down on paper might help. Essentially, I wrote about all the reasons I see myself as male more than I could see myself as female. I didn't try to hide this, it was just in some random notebook - written over a year ago maybe, and a couple of months back, she was sorting some of our things and was checking notebooks and stuff (to separate school/private things) and saw that. So, she "wrote back" and ever since then, we've talked about it a lot and everything. She's fully supportive of me, even if she still has a lot of questions and uncertainties (e.g. the safety of taking hormones or going through surgery, the side-effects, the possible negative changes, changes in personality). But overall, she's said she loves me no matter what "package" I come in and that there are only a few extreme cases where she is certain she would leave me, regardless of gender (cheating and beating would be the two she came up with). I can definitely live with that as I definitely don't plan to ever cheat on her or hit her.
Anyway... I've also been thinking a lot about my family. About 7 years ago, we were living in Canada, and my parents found evidence of me being/wanting to be with someone who is female, and suggested it might be good to move in with my sister and grandma in Bosnia and 'adjust' there (i.e. be "normal"). I agreed, not because I wanted to try and change who I am, but just to get away from them, since it became clear that living with them would be like being in jail (controlling what I do, who I'm with, etc.). It was really difficult for them to deal with. They are basically of the mindset that if something like that hurts your loved ones, you should sacrifice your own wishes/desires for them. My dad even told me that if his mom had told him not to date my mom, that he wouldn't have, or would have at least met with her in private so no one knows. Basically, what I read that as was "suppress who you are, or lie to everyone, including us".
Anyway, the point is - they haven't really IMPROVED much regarding this issue. They pretty much just ignore it altogether. I fear that coming out as trans to them directly (or even them figuring it out in other ways, e.g. if I started T) would really hurt them more than before. I can't bare to cause them that much pain. I know I wouldn't lose them, that's not an issue, but I doubt I'd ever get their support, and I'd have to constantly see them in pain because of me. This is maybe the primary reason I'm debating whether I'll ever actually transition. Problem is, ever since my girlfriend and I have opened the topic up, it's almost all I can think about. I would even find myself reading forums like these and looking at similar things online of transguy-interest all night, the night before an exam. It's like I can't force myself to study when I have something just gnawing at my brain.
Oh, and as of this school year I'm in Croatia, doing my master's here for two-three years. Living on my own now, as my girlfriend is doing her last year of studies back in Bosnia (we'd lived together for a couple of months here in Croatia though). My parents are still in Canada. The majority of my other relatives are also in Bosnia. I ran across this student-counselling thing online here, and contacted them because I felt counselling might do me good since it was so hard to focus on anything non-trans related, especially school-work. They told me they talked to a therapist who specializes in transgender issues and that I could contact her and tell her they referred me. I plan to contact her next week, once my exams are over. However, I worry a) the cost of something like this (i.e. the student-counselling thing is free, but I'm sure this specialist isn't), and b) is there any sense in going to therapy if I know I'm probably not gonna start transition very soon. Even if I didn't worry about my family, I would first like to have kids, and then start transition. So, that means in a couple of years, when I'm done school.
Anyway... I've rambled on faaaar too much. Any input would be great, since I'm kinda feeling... stuck. No solutions coming up in my head. To transition or not... to go to therapy or not... to come out (and to whom, and how) or not... So many questions. Zero answers.
