Feels like torture

[Tamaki]

As I keep moving forward with my transition something is eating at me more and more.

My wife and I have been together for 18 years. We've been to hell and back. There are times when we've both wanted to throw up ours hands and walk away but we never did. We keep working at our relationship and growing. She knew when we first met that I crossdressed and saw a  hint of some gender issue which was as much as I knew or was willing to admit to myself at the time. We've had some big talks about where this is going and what it may mean for our relationship. The conclusion we both came to is that we love each other and want to stay together even if that means our relationship becomes platonic, we've always been best friends and don't want to lose that. We both know that things may change and we may go our separate ways but we'll go down fighting. I am very lucky to have a wife willing to work so hard to stay by my side and that cares so much about me.

In spite all of this I'm going through changes and it's really hard for her. She's slowly losing her prince charming. I'm changing some of the physical traits that she loves so much. We joke around about it like I shaved my arms and legs she started calling me her naked mole rat. She also gets crap from other people. Things like, why don't you divorce him? People think she's a failure of a wife because she couldn't stop her husband from turning into a woman. She's suffering and it's really hard to see her go through that. She has a lot of support but not from spouses our age that have gone through or are going through this.

The thing that's eating me is that my actions are causing her to suffer and that neither of us can do much about it. I know I must transition. I am already a much better and more pleasant person for going this far. I know that she would never stop me from being who am I. It feels like I'm killing myself in front of her and I have to watch her anguish as I die. This sucks!

I love you but I'm torturing you and we both know it's the right thing to do. How the hell do you come to terms with this?

[Jacquelyn]

Hannah,

I wish I had an answer for you, but alas, I do not. All I can say is that you and your wife seem to be doing everything you can. To be completely honest I don't know how I will handle my SO transitioning if that is what he feels he must do...

It is evident that you both care for each other very much, and I hope that can be enough to help you both through this. Your wife seems like such a beautiful and strong person (as do you). I don't recall whether you had mentioned going to couples therapy together, have you done that? If not, would you be willing to do that together?

You did not choose this. I hope that you and your wife both understand this. You have many people here that are rooting for you and your SO. Maybe she needs an outlet and support as well, have you recommended that she join Susan's?

Many hugs and love your way,
Jacquelyn

[Tamaki]

Thanks Jackie, you're always right there with good advice.

We're in the process of finding a couples therapist that is equally familiar and supportive of trans issues and what the spouse is going through. We're lucky that we have quite a few to choose from.

You're right, she does need an outlet as well as support. We're just trying to find what that is. She had been lurking around Susan's especially the SO forum and has been put off enough by some peoples reactions to SO's that she's not interested in joining. 

[Jacquelyn]

I am glad to hear that you are looking for a counsellor that you two can go to together. I know I have said it a million times, but that has really been a huge help for Dan and I. I hope that you can find one that you both like, and that you will find it just as helpful.

As far as not joining because of some people's reactions, I am quite saddened by this. I two have read some of those posts, and I will admit I found them to be a bit disheartening, but at the same time the warm and accepting support I have received from others here far outweighs the few cis dissenters comments. The TOS clearly states that any one and everyone is welcome here so long as they are respectful of all others here. I feel welcome here, as I am sure the other SO's do as well, and I feel confident that the Mod staff will take care of any issues that would arise to make me feel anything contrary.

Should she wish to join at another point, to simply lurk, or to comment through you (as some of our other members do... ) know that we all wish her (and yourself) the best.

Hugs,
Jacquelyn

PS. If your wife or yourself would ever like to chat feel free to send me a PM and I will gladly send you my contact information. 

[spacial]

Hanna Irene.

As you've discovered, marriage is about compromise, effort and compromise. It's alos worth it. Really really worth it.

Firstly, your wife being talked to by her friends. I'm sorry, but this is something, even the best friends do, they are trying to create a victim, your wife. Happened to my wife as well and probably every wife. That it is bothering her is because she has some doubts.

Give you an example. A few years ago, my wife and I were trying to help a 16 year old niece, who was having some problems. We've known this kid since she was a baby and she has always been a bit special to us. Anyway, the niece takes to me more than my wife, mainly because I didn't try to tell her what to do. (The niece is on my wife's family. And not to put too fine a point on it, nature blessed her). My wife sided with her brother, the girl's father, naturally.

Then the chatter started. Middle aged man, pretty young girl. The implication was that my wife was letting all this happen because she was somehow inadequate.

Eventually, my wife came to her senses of course. But you can see what was happening? It wasn't that they were trying to hurt my wife. But if my wife had taken them seriously, they would have been there to pick up the pieces they had created.

We can laugh now, the idea of me going with a teenage girl.

Our wives friends somtimes do that. Not to harm, but because they have their own little clique which, frankly, doesn't include you or me.

Please don't get the idea that they are getting at you. They are just doing what they do. You wife just needs to get a bit of perspective back.

I strongly suspect that, once you've gotten over this hurdle, the other problems will not be so important.

[Tamaki]

spacial - You and I seem to have such a different approach and ways of looking at things. I always appreciate what you have to say, it makes me look at things in a different light.

I really do understand what you are saying we went through a similar thing about not having children. My wife would never hear the end of how she needed to have kids. It was never out of malice they just felt that all women should be mothers. I certainly don't hold it against anyone that thinks my wife and I should divorce, that's their opinion, I don't have to agree with it and my wife doesn't buy into it either.

I'm really learning for the first time how wives are held responsible for the family meeting social standards (I'm not saying that well). If something goes wrong it's seen as the wife's fault. That's messed up.

You're right marriage is really worth it. We wouldn't have worked at it for so long if we thought it wasn't. We'll both get through this it just sucks right now.