o.k so i have huge social problems

[some ftm guy]

this makes some kind of sense i hope. so here it goes. I was raised by a total recluse with no self respect, no confidence, and the worst attitude ever and raised us to be the same without realizing it...or did she? no that's just paranoid...maybe. anyway I've spent my whole life in my bedrooms (lived in 4 different homes) alone for the most part with the exceptions of my brother occasionally and a couple friends I've had here and there. and ONE date. I've hardly ever had friends, the ones I've had for years barely talk to me. i have no idea how to make friends. if you think i seem "normal" here that's only because you've never seen me in person, you wouldn't know me, i would probably never walk up and introduce myself to you because I'd be too busy looking out a window or looking away when people do look at me. i wish i could go to the clubs in the big cities but i don't know why i know I'd just sit somewhere and just watch people like a creeper, talking to no one.

and it's not just that, i look online every night on this match making site, they e-mail you matches so maybe i wouldn't go there every night but still...i see someone i like, they either like me and talk to me back or not and don't respond but since early january I've had 4 different guys from a couple different dating sites talk to me a bit, e-mail me ad add me on facebook. well 3 have added me there. and right after stop talking to me. seriously it takes people about 2 or 3 days after meeting me to out of nowhere end all contact with me. though the latest one actually contacted me first he still did the same as others did and the cycle continues, out browsing again. something is wrong with me and i want to be partnered with someone maybe too much?

I'm way too afraid that what I've said either directly to some guys ( between the 2 sites since mid january....maybe 20 some that I've messaged?) or on profiles has creeped them the ^%# out. ya know, because i have absolutely no social skills, that and because the last person i was the closest to actually being a gf gave me this line that she forgot her cellphone at her parents house over christmas and i believed that bs, she was obviously ignoring me, i don't know why she couldn't have just told me she didn't want me anymore, that drove me crazy just being dropped like that suddenly with no explination. now a couple days ago the latest guy who wanted to add me on fb said his uncle died, he injured his back and tired from directing a play and i thought he was lying, i told him about the woman i just mentioned and now he probably thinks I'm a dick. plus it was only one day without a response! after knowing each other 3 days! whee i can't trust people anymore. actually i think I've done that to at least 2 people (wondering what happened after only one day without replying to me). i think i definitely have some kind of a problem in tying to find someone. as in over trying, i don't even know why, i mean yeah it'd be nice to have someone to call, message, spend time with where there's a mutual attraction but i also know I'm o.k for the time being while I'm single. I'm not going to die or anything. it's almost like I'm a predator or something. i don't mean that as in I'm going to rape someone or anything, but aspiring to be someone bf is all. like i shouldn't be a part of or go on any social website of any kind so i can stop weirding people out. it gets too depressing, thinking too much about "what's wrong with me?" i really don't want to be doing that to people. hell maybe they pick up on the neediness from such isolation, lack of socialization all my life and feel sorry for me. maybe i should not even turn my computer on for a whole week or 2 and make myself read, finish artwork or something. ha that's not going to happen, i make it a day and that's it.

maybe if i lived in a community where there were others like me, maybe if i had a decent job, had my own car and lived on my own, mostly i wonder even if i was born male would i still be this socially screwed up with absolutely no confidence and just being the most bitter, miserable person, feeling i have nothing and no one and just hate the world because of my upbringing? hell even here i wonder if it's annoying how often i come here just to read new posts. if the mods are thinking "look there he is again, the same time sort of as last night, he's here every night? he needs a life!

so yeah this was way too long and i just rambled and may have just confused people. long story short, I'm paranoid, i desperately need to stop browsing the date site and can't stop thinking how much of a screwed up person i am and might always be even post transition. still alone angry and depressed. gaaaahhh I'm sorry I've wasted people's time reading this.

[Cindy]

Hi Noah,

You have not wasted anyone's time by posting this. This is a very common story among people who have GID and who further have had a poor upbringing.
One thing to keep in the front of the mind is that it isn't your fault. You have done nothing wrong.

Social sites like fb and dating sites attract people who may have problems in being social. So when they don't respond it may having nothing to do with you but everything about them.  I think you have hit on this with people who make stupid excuses for not replying. These people have more problems than you do.

Ok you need to get out and about and start building a life.  You have come a long way already. You are here. You have Mums and Dads and brothers and sisters who care for you and love you. We have met you in your posts and you are not a screwed up guy, you are an intelligent young man who is having to deal with more s**t than many people have to. Not only did you have a damaging up bringing but you are GID as well. Sometimes the two go together but whatever, IT IS NOT YOU FAULT.

Ok how do we start a life?  I came to Australia when I was 23. Totally alone I knew no one. I had no relatives here, I was GID I came to have SRS and I had $20 in my pocket and that was it. I got a job I found somewhere to live, which was one step up from a park bench. I want no sympathy because I do not need it nor do I want it. I worked. I was so lonely that I would go weeks without talking to anyone. I thought at times that I may forget how to speak.

I ended up joining clubs, amateur theatricals, a club that is usually full of lonely people, gay and lesbians and a smattering of people waiting to be discovered (fat chance) but I met other lonely people, with the same lack of social skill that I had. I took that opportunity and made friends, most were very temporary but I could learn from them even if the compatibility wasn't there, it was a start. Starting is the hardest thing in anything.

I slowly moved on, for each step forward their are more problems. You can let them be problems or you cam make the forge your spirit. In your posts you come over as a man who can face the future and forge his life.  Use your hidden strength, you have got this far and that's the tough bit. Now take control.

Your family is always here for you. Never forget that. You are no longer alone. You never need to be lonely again. We are here.

My Love and kisses young brother.

If I could hold you in my arms and rock you I would.

Cindy

[spacial]

Noah.

For what it's worth, I can really identy with what you've said.

I can be so expressive on the net. To the point of annoying some people. I started writing, in my teens, simply as a means of communicating.

Not really any answers I'm afraid. I do know that feeling when people you think are friendly, don't respond.

[Sharky]

All the friends I ever had were either neighbors or from sports, school, work, or other activities where you are surrounded by people. Join something and socialize yourself. Just don't be clingy and desperate or you will push people away. Give people more of a chance to respond. If they don't feel like being your friend and stop responding, giving them examples from your past of other's doing the same isn't helping. There's a lot of socially challenged people out there. I think being trans does play a part in this. I know I don't really desire to go out and meet people, don't try to make new friends, and don't put in effort to keep current friendships. I don't really have any want to do anything in my current body and I doubt that I will want anyone that knows me now around later.

[Nikolai_S]

Sounds kind of like my life... I empathise with that alot. I've only had 3 real friends my whole life, and never one I could "hang out" with on a regular basis. I'm trying to fix that, but it's a long process. I don't do the dating site thing, but I'm as paranoid on regular socialising sites too. Sending messages to try to make friends, and eventually scaring them away somehow.

I'm paranoid, i desperately need to stop browsing the date site and can't stop thinking how much of a screwed up person i am and might always be even post transition. still alone angry and depressed. - Insert "internet" where "date site" is and that's almost exactly what I wrote just a few days ago. At least you know there are equally "screwed up" people around.

mostly i wonder even if i was born male would i still be this socially screwed up with absolutely no confidence and just being the most bitter, miserable person, feeling i have nothing and no one and just hate the world because of my upbringing? hell even here i wonder if it's annoying how often i come here just to read new posts. if the mods are thinking "look there he is again, the same time sort of as last night, he's here every night? he needs a life! - Ditto this, too. And then starting to think-since I'm on T and though things are improving, but they're not anywhere near me being normal or socially okay- is this how I'm stuck forever? Transition feels like a last chance for me at times, even though I'm still young.

Since I'm in the same place, I don't think I can offer advice, just let you know there's someone out there who feels similarly. What I've been trying lately is taking risks with the people I do know, vaguely, just sending something their way on facebook and figuring I don't care if they don't respond, since it's hard to go into negative numbers where friends are concerned. And breaking up my routine as much as possible. If I get depressed when I'm isolated and have nothing to do, I go to a new coffee shop, or park, or some such public space, and draw or write something I've never drawn or written before, turn on the radio and listen to music I don't know. It distracts me and bad memories/associations with old haunts can't get me there.

[N.Chaos]

Like the last poster, I understand a lot of what you're dealing with and saying. I was in catholic school for 6 years and it ->-bleeped-<-ed me up royally, to the point where I was so paranoid that I'd sleep in my closet, convinced people were coming to kill me. I've got a lot of issues with paranoia, social interactions, trusting people and all that. I spent a big part of my life on the internet, which just made my lack of social skills even worse.
I know you're mainly on dating sites looking for a relationship, but if you just want a like-minded person to vent to and talk to, message me, seriously. Add me on facebook if you want, I'm on the internet a LOT.

[Amazon D]

Noah fast smart street people are not the type you want to meet. They are all over those dating sites. they are looking to use people and while there are some good people your words get over looked by those with flashy attitudes. Your more the simple country guy who has a heart and cares and well there are not many of them around and those who are are like you, are steering clear from dangerous sites like you mention. This blog here is where others who are true will come out and share their truths to you but those who here even at susans who are fast street people won't say a word here because that is not their style.

send some PMs to the people your age here in this thread and start a conversation because you need a friend and they do too. Sheesh the person above mentions catholic school and well my memories are of being sexually abused by a nun and so i quickly left school and soon got caught wearing womens clothes and then i was put away in a mental hospital for being crazy because back then they didn't agree GID was a real issue.

yes those above me your age make friends with them.. I sure know i too need friends my own age to let me know i am ok too

hugs + love from an older bigger brother / sister to you Noah 

[Ithica]

You sound just like me, and I've got a similar background - though I've improved somewhat the past few years.

In the past I always retreated into isolation with some grand plan to sort myself out and then  I thought I would be ready to be social.

But things only improved when I actually got involved with people, I expect I've made a fool of myself lots and I come across as weird, boring and anxious, but sometimes its gone well. And the times when it goes well builds your confidence and gives you skills and experience to build on. Its a long process - its like a continual improvement through experience, its not something that just happens or that you could get right the first time.

All those other people have had a whole childhood, teenage hood and parental modeling to learn it and you haven't. I would start of with something that involves just being around people so you can practice talking to people but with no expectations - maybe a class, or volunteering of some sort. And think of making friends as a numbers game - most people don't become friends with most people they meet, theres not necessarily anything wrong with either of you.

[some ftm guy]

well, what to say, thanks for the help, words of support one, I'm usually afraid to pm anyone here. I'm kind of afraid of myself. i don't want it to go in the wrong direction and i know Susan's isn't a place for that. i have enough self control to not be hitting on people here though. for friends yeah that'd be awesome. I've added 3 different people on here on fb actually the first one before i knew this place existed i think i saw him on a tg group...it was several months ago, weird coincidence when i saw him here lol. then 2 others i see on a lot of posts we sort of talk through each others replies here, he was a mutual friend of the 2nd one but we haven't talked one on one there in pms just through status posts every once in a while.

i need to get my drivers license and a car so i can actually go to social gatherings of sorts. to actually meet and hang out with friends in person some day. whoever it'll be however awkward it may be at first maybe. but yeah these are good ideas, distract myself with drawing or painting, join that gallery a couple towns over to sell my art....i don't think there are any clubs here. oh there's a nudists beach in this county, in one town, and a rifle club in another. that's it for the recreational groups/clubs wahoo we are so redneck for this being Michigan and all.

[Vancha]

I don't want to unload on your thread, but I understand where you're coming from -- at least, as much as another person can.  However, I wasn't raised by my parents to be this way; internal forces made me the way I am.  I was an outgoing child, loved people, didn't fear anything, and then I struggled with severe panic disorder and my life was in a disarray, and at about the same time feelings of dysphoria reared up (ages six to ten), and I was in such a mess that I couldn't really figure out my GID in the midst of all the panic.  And then there was depression, and more GID, and the anxiety never really went away... I wasn't abused, but I like to say that I abused myself. 

Nowadays, I spend almost all my time in the house, and of the time in the house, most of it in my room.  A significant amount of that in bed.  I'm terrified of people half the time, paranoid and awkward and not only that, but extremely bitter and resentful.  I understand a lot of what other people on this thread have said as well.  I feel completely unable to make a connection with people... Except, to a degree, online.

Perhaps people like us need to band together and help each other to improve.  However, it's a lot harder in real life because none of us attempt to interact.  Like everybody else has said, you're not alone and a lot of us do feel these things... To varying degrees.  Being trans and having problems in childhood is not a good combination, but sadly a pretty common one.  I truly feel compassion for every single person on this site, and I wish I were able to express that more.  I'm rarely around but whenever I poke my head back into the site, I always feel that way.

I hope my message wasn't too long or took away from your thread in any way.

[Darner]

To me, animals helped a lot. I don't know how is it like in the US, but in Europe we have animal shelters. They get a lot of abandoned dogs and people rarely come there - to take the dogs for a walk or something. For me it was a great starting point because it doesn't require a lot of interaction, but it gets you out of the house, in the nature and animals are incredible friends who don't care about your anxiety at all. The basic inter-human interaction needed there can force you to start communicating about important stuff and through that, you can slowly learn the small talk, which in my opinion is the Olimpus of socialization. 

[Amazon D]

To me, animals helped a lot. I don't know how is it like in the US, but in Europe we have animal shelters. They get a lot of abandoned dogs and people rarely come there - to take the dogs for a walk or something. For me it was a great starting point because it doesn't require a lot of interaction, but it gets you out of the house, in the nature and animals are incredible friends who don't care about your anxiety at all. The basic inter-human interaction needed there can force you to start communicating about important stuff and through that, you can slowly learn the small talk, which in my opinion is the Olimpus of socialization.

Thats a great idea for those here wow great idea.. 

[Harbor]

I have a lot of the same problems with socialization that you do. I guess i'm just naturally introverted, and I lived out in the middle of nowhere as a kid, so there were not a lot of kids my age to interact with. I've only had a few friends throughout life and generally have no idea how people make friends with each other. Even in internet chats, I feel like I don't know what to say or what the social rules are about talking to others.

I don't know if I can give you advice because I am stuck in the same spot as you right now, but try to remember that you are not the only socially awkward person out there.

[Alex37]

I'm incredibly socially awkward too, and most of my time is spent on the internet.  You're not alone.  Just keep putting yourself out there.  I'm by no means adept at socializing now, but I'm better than I was, and the biggest obstacle that I had to overcome was my perfectionism.  I was terrified of embarrassing myself or coming off as boring or annoying.  I did come off as annoying and weird at times, but those experiences taught me what not to do at least.  My point is, you have to get out there and live life to learn how to interact, even though it can be terrifying.  And I give advice that I should take more often, so don't take me too seriously.   Things will get better; just try to stay positive, and feel free to PM if you're ever bored or something.  I can totally relate to your fear about the mods wondering wtf you're still doing here.   

[some ftm guy]

yay it's cool to know there's a lot of others in similar (at least sort of) situations. @Vince, it's o.k no problem unloading. cool to hear other personal stories explaining why they get what i was saying. i hope no one felt sorry for me or anything. that's kinda the last thing i want even though i was really pouring the misery on, i was just trying to explain.

[SarahM777]

Hello Noah,
If you don't mind i would like to share something that helped me out quite a bit. I too had a lot of social problems. (It also didn't help me that i was painfully shy and would come close to passing out in my speech class)
It was in my last job that i had when i realized i had been trying so hard to be average like everyone else around me (I ended up pushing people away because i was trying so hard) I starting figuring out it was not working to try to get people to like me. When break time would come i started sitting with other people that also seemed to be a bit isolated and started taking little steps to take a chance and start talking to other people. At first it was really hard. Slowly but surely i found out that even though they did not have to deal with GID they also were outside what most would consider average. Some i found that it was not a good idea to hang around with as they had some issues that could cause some real problems but i also found some that would not cause those problems.
As i started talking to them i found out they were just as quirky,odd and weird as myself (Just to get an idea of where i am coming from i can relate to my favorite character the Irish dude in Braveheart and i see a lot of myself in him) I found out i actually liked hanging around them more than any person that appeared to be an average Jane or Joe. They ended up being some of the best friends i ever had and it was OK to not be average.
The best times of my life was when i was hanging around my friends that to an average person they would seem like weirdos,odd balls,screw ups,etc, but we had more fun then i ever had trying to be average even to the point at times if you looked at us from the outside it seemed at times you were watching a looney toons cartoon. I found i was more comfortable with my life this way and i can say life was never dull after that. But i had to learn that it was ok not to be average and quit trying so hard to be average.

With love
Sarah