I'm freaking the hell out!

[Gilmorton]

...and I don't know how to calm myself down.

I'm the calmest guy I know. I work in IT, so to me everything is logical and has a path of progression - even my transition. And everything is going absolutely brilliantly at the moment - to use my most-oversued phrase, I have all my ducks in a row.

But this Friday is coming out day at work. I've never in my life had a panic attack, and I've been through some pretty bad things, but the way I feel right now is how I imagine someone on the verge of one might feel. My heart is beating too fast, I feel on the verge of tears (I NEVER cry!), my stomach feels like a washing machine on a spin cycle, my hands are shaking, and it's hard to breathe easily.

If I tell anyone about this I know they'll just say "You'll be fine, you're always fine", and yes I am always fine, but I don't feel fine right now. I feel like crap. Anyone got anything to tell me that might help?

I've never cared in my life what anyone thought of me. I always thought the most important thing is how I think about myself. But I can't help looking at the colleagues who are friendly and nice to me today and thinking "Are you going to be this nice to me on Friday afternoon?"

[Mrs Erocse]

Gil,

Sorry that life can so difficult sometimes. It seems you have an overall good sense of yourself. You have an inner confidence and a level head.

We wish that we could always predict how others will respond to the revelation of transition. Some that you may expect to disapprove are amazingly supportive. Some that you expected to be supportive may not be. We found that many more people than not were very supportive.

We think that this will be one of those posts where fear is expressed about coming out and in the end your next post will be about how amazing it went.

In  the end it will be your confidence that wins you peers over. You will have that confidence and you will do well.

Many Big Hugs and Well Wishes to you.
Roxy & Patty

[JessicaH]

My heart goes out to you Gil.  First off, you are so much braver than I since i wouldnt even consider staying at my reallt high paying jpb. I couldnt handle the stress!
rs. Erocse is right though. Is it possible to move coming out up to today so you can just get it over? So far, anticipation in coming out to close friends was for nothing and I felt the weight of the world lifted of of me afterwards.

Good luck and please know we are behind you all the way!

[spacial]

Starting early is a great idea. Especially if you try to be subtle at first.

[Gilmorton]

Thank you so much, Erocse & Mrs Ercose, and Stacy, for your very kind words. I am much calmer now, mostly due to something going horribly wrong at one of the sites I support. I was busy all afternoon - nothing like hard work to take your mind off your troubles, is there?

Bringint the date forward is not really practical, or fair on my employers - we have agreed that they will et the staff know at the briefing on Friday, which is just before half term (I work in a school), so that there is a weeks' break before I come back and start using the gents, etc. So I'm just going to have to keep calm and carry on (another overused phrase of mine).

Tomorrow I might feel the same, or I might feel better. Either way, all I can do is muddle through, but it's so good to know there are folks here who care and who understand. I have very close friends who care, but no matter how hard they try, they will never truly "get it", because they are not transgender.

Thank you  🙂

[tekla]

to me everything is logical and has a path of progression

While this may well be true in IT and computer programs, it has little to no real world application.  Reality is confusion, disorder and disorganization all of it going in many (if not infinite) directions at the same time for no discernible reasons.  Life is all about the demons taking you on a chaos hell ride, and learning how to hang on.

[Cindy]

Big event panic attacks are pretty normal things, try taking deep breaths slow breath in and let the air put slowly. Stand while you do it . It may, and should give you an oxygen rush to the brain. And the little grey cells feel better after an oxygen rush. De-fraging the brain

I lecture and speak in public a lot. I used to have panic attacks and one day it dawned on me, I'm the one in control of me, no one else is, I am. Never had problems in that area again.

Cindy

[Gilmorton]

I'd rather get it all done in one go...then the entire staff will know. My wife, friends and family already know (and all of them have been amazing.) Mind you, I might crack before then, you never know.

Tekla, I love your view of life and secretly agree with it...however, approaching things logically gives me the illusion that everything is under control 

Cindy, thanks for the advice! I do martial arts and my worst failing so far is not breathing properly - I'll try and put your advice into practice...

Well, I'm off to fight another day against computer users who muck their PC and my network up, people who think I'm there to fix their granny's laptop for free, and switches that decide to turn themselves off randomly (coming out should be a piece of cake in comparison, shouldn't it?) 

Have a good day everyone!