Second, third and fourth thoughts...

[Omika]

Would pretending for this or any other cute girl help the girl in the end? Ask other couples that have  transitioned after years of marraige. I am no expert there, many I read turn out really really bad. If your transsexual, when you transition (if you know now and she dont know), chances are you will have lied to her.

Now, if you are truely attracted in a lesbian manner, your intention to transition you must make known. And if it be her orientation also, then all is good. I know of several lesbian couples with one transitioned, and one GG. Better that a relationship, especially if it is has passion, have honesty in the beginning. I guess one is entitled to make as many mistakes as others have. Some didnt know about there TS till later in life. If you know it now, your sorta obligated and responsible now.

I did tell her, though.  I thought I made that clear in my original post.  She says it makes me more interesting.  It doesn't really matter, though, I suppose.  I never once said I'd not transition for her sake, I was just thinking outloud on the forums.

The reasons I can't transition right now are that I'm twenty-two, in college full-time, have very little money, and live in a scarily conservative area.  There are a lot of discouraging things in my environment, so I just act myself when and where I can, which is around a few specific friends.  Even then it's hard, because I feel so inhibited and repressed.

I constantly imagine myself sobbing as a woman, but I can't ever seem to cry.  It's like I'm trapped in a cage that prevents my feelings from showing.  I've already told people I've never been more sure about transitioning than anything else in my life, and I stand by it.  I regret making the original post, since apparently I gave a very odd message.

But anyways, yeah...  I'm young and broke.  Those are the only things stopping me.  Honestly, the young part doesn't even mean much.  Just the broke part.  I have great credit, though, I suppose I could take out a loan or something after therapy.

And just one final note on the title of this post: old habits die hard.  I have been conditioned my entire life to act the role of the male, and because I'm such a flexible person by nature, I've managed the act so well that I've pretty much created another person.  It's a habit now, and I'm slowly but surely breaking it down.  Doesn't this make sense to anyone?  Or am I in the wrong place?

[Melissa]

Oie! All that means is a TS should not transition until they BREAK.
Heh great fun.
Although granted, one is most assuredly sure by then.

This is a very good point.   I think all the TS here that have had doubts (including myself) eventually reached the breaking point about a year ago exactly.  It was in January and I was having anxiety attacks and all doubts had ceased by then.  I know Kate went through something similar on here.  It wasn't exactly that we were unsure about who we were, but it was more of an attempt to grasp such a radical concept.

Blair, your original post came across as this:
I had met this girl and we were very attracted to each other, so then I was having second thoughts about transition.  I came out to her and she accepted me and said it added to her attraction to me, so then I had third thoughts and I did want to transition.  Then I thought about how I could make such a gentleman compared to all the brutes out there and be such a ladies man, so maybe I shouldn't transition, but I'm kind of undecided at this point.

It may not be what you intended to say, but I'm certain that's how everyone read it.

Melissa

[Omika]

Oie! All that means is a TS should not transition until they BREAK.
Heh great fun.
Although granted, one is most assuredly sure by then.

This is a very good point.   I think all the TS here that have had doubts (including myself) eventually reached the breaking point about a year ago exactly.  It was in January and I was having anxiety attacks and all doubts had ceased by then.  I know Kate went through something similar on here.  It wasn't exactly that we were unsure about who we were, but it was more of an attempt to grasp such a radical concept.

Blair, your original post came across as this:
I had met this girl and we were very attracted to each other, so then I was having second thoughts about transition.  I came out to her and she accepted me and said it added to her attraction to me, so then I had third thoughts and I did want to transition.  Then I thought about how I could make such a gentleman compared to all the brutes out there and be such a ladies man, so maybe I shouldn't transition, but I'm kind of undecided at this point.

It may not be what you intended to say, but I'm certain that's how everyone read it.

Melissa

It's not what a meant.  ^^;

But thanks for clarifying for me.  One thing I do hate about the net, it's so easy to say something and not get across the idea I mean to.

[LynnER]

I avoided responding to your post origonaly because I didnt want to come off as sounding harsh.... the way it read made me think.... well, pretty much what everyone else did....

Being young and broke isnt an excuese anymore really.... If your in collage, even in conservitive areas, they do have councilors available through your psychology department... you can go to them for the initial start of theripy in many cases which saves you money... granted you'll have to pay your endo, but there may be ways to make that happen too... and HRT isnt THAT expensive, specialy if you go generic...  theres allways a way, and as a student, you can get medicaly necicary loans for certian things.... 

Just like everyone else said, your origonal post made it sound like you were haveing some real dobuts about transitioning, and more than willing to just not do it...  If you have any dobuts in your mind, dont transition.. .  dont become a horror story.  On that same note, if you dont have any dobuts, transition or you'll become one of those horror storys...     Its a hard and sometimes slippery road, but if its the right road for you, its worth the travel     

[Kate]

I know Kate went through something similar on here.  It wasn't exactly that we were unsure about who we were, but it was more of an attempt to grasp such a radical concept.

Heh... yep, I was always sure I was TS, but I wondered if TSism, as a condition, was as simple as it seemed. Perhaps it really was some odd, twisted sexual orientation, an obsession of some sort, possession from the devil (lol), or... I dunno, ANYTHING, please God, let it be SOMETHING ELSE other than the Simple Truth.

Because I knew what The Simple Truth would mean. I knew the implication - and it terrified me.

Hence my joining Susan's and driving everyone nuts with hundreds of posts, trying desperately to disprove what I knew to be True. The doubts soon became about whether I could or should transition... which most of us know eventually becomes a moot point.

My boss surprised me with a question I hadn't anticipated when I came out to him: "Why are you doing this?"

And for the life of me, I was truly stumped. For me, The Truth implies transitioning... they can't be seperated. I could list various things like being uncomfortable in my role, disliking my body, on and on... but in the end, they're really just symptoms of a cyclical truth (TS = transition = TS = ...) that eventually must be LIVED.

In the end, I'm transitioning Because I Must.

Kate

[cindianna_jones]

I held off to see what everyone else said.... but here's what I think Blair.

You're young, you have GID which has stunted your social skills.  Don't worry, it has happened to all of us.  You are only 21 and haven't really made the decisions that you will make over the next few years.  Your hormones are still throwing your emotions completely out of wack... forcing the desire to procreate.

In other words, nature is calling.  You are having a hard time not picking up.  You are not any more screwed up than any of the rest of us at some time in our lives.  You are wise to post these tough questions.  It will help sort your thoughts out and resolve your priorities.  The answers you get are great perspectives.  Take everything you can out of every one of them even if they may seem insulting.  We are offering our experience.  You do sound like you are soaking it up very well, my young sponge.

Don't worry doll.  You are fine.  You'll get it all sorted out.  Remember that obstacales are not dead ends.  Walk around them or climb over them.  You can get the money, you can get the therapy, you can work and earn any thing that you need to move on.

You'll get it figured out.  In the mean time.... enjoy your youth.  If you like to meet girls and enjoy their company, don't deny yourself.  You may make some wonderful friends.

Chin up!

Cindi

[Omika]

I held off to see what everyone else said.... but here's what I think Blair.

You're young, you have GID which has stunted your social skills.  Don't worry, it has happened to all of us.  You are only 21 and haven't really made the decisions that you will make over the next few years.  Your hormones are still throwing your emotions completely out of wack... forcing the desire to procreate.

In other words, nature is calling.  You are having a hard time not picking up.  You are not any more screwed up than any of the rest of us at some time in our lives.  You are wise to post these tough questions.  It will help sort your thoughts out and resolve your priorities.  The answers you get are great perspectives.  Take everything you can out of every one of them even if they may seem insulting.  We are offering our experience.  You do sound like you are soaking it up very well, my young sponge.

Don't worry doll.  You are fine.  You'll get it all sorted out.  Remember that obstacales are not dead ends.  Walk around them or climb over them.  You can get the money, you can get the therapy, you can work and earn any thing that you need to move on.

You'll get it figured out.  In the mean time.... enjoy your youth.  If you like to meet girls and enjoy their company, don't deny yourself.  You may make some wonderful friends.

Chin up!

Cindi

Thanks Cindi.  You're the best.  ^_^

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Blair ,
I been reading these posting for awhile and not knowing what to say that would help.
I think you a fine young woman, but you do sound confused in your postings, to me.
And that's a place I have been to allot recently.
But I'm glad you have shared your feelings and thoughts. Keep posting.
That is, after all, what Susan's is all about. I know for me it has helped clairify all that stuff that was running thru my head. And almost as important I found out that I had real friends at Susan's that cared and honestly share with me.
Blair you will most likely have 16th, 17th and 18th thoughts, but that's okay. You need to be sure if you are going to transition. Make sure you count the cost and not just monitary, family and friends too. You may know in your heart that you are TS but you need to get your mind around it too.
Just my thoughs.
Hang in there Blair.
A friend.

Jillieann

[Omika]

Hi Blair ,
I been reading these posting for awhile and not knowing what to say that would help.
I think you a fine young woman, but you do sound confused in your postings, to me.
And that's a place I have been to allot recently.
But I'm glad you have shared your feelings and thoughts. Keep posting.
That is, after all, what Susan's is all about. I know for me it has helped clairify all that stuff that was running thru my head. And almost as important I found out that I had real friends at Susan's that cared and honestly share with me.
Blair you will most likely have 16th, 17th and 18th thoughts, but that's okay. You need to be sure if you are going to transition. Make sure you count the cost and not just monitary, family and friends too. You may know in your heart that you are TS but you need to get your mind around it too.
Just my thoughs.
Hang in there Blair.
A friend.

Jillieann

Thank you so much for the insight.  Really, the only issue with me right now is money.  My friends and family are incredibly sweet and accepting.  Despite the fact that I said I live in a very conservative area, I'm a very social person, and I have a knack for seeking out honest, open-minded individuals to be my friends.  There's really no cost or issue there...  it really is just about money.  I'm so dang poor, but I agreed to a promotion at my job, so I'll be getting about 20% more, plus free food, which will help a lot.  So it's all coming together.  School is really what's most important to me right now, right next to transitioning.  They're equal.  Don't cry bloody murder for me saying that, but I think education is the most important thing in the world, period, no matter who you are.  I'm going to be a teacher!

[Kate]

School is really what's most important to me right now, right next to transitioning.  They're equal.  Don't cry bloody murder for me saying that, but I think education is the most important thing in the world, period, no matter who you are.  I'm going to be a teacher!

Sounds like a sensible plan with sensible priorities to me. You're very young, and laying a foundation for the rest of your life is of course extremely important. Take things slow. I fear you're getting the impression that transition "should" be your overwhelming priority right now, and that's just not it at all. You don't have to figure this all out overnight. You have plenty of time to let things unfold, to sort out your wants and needs. It sounds like you're doing great actually, asking tough questions of yourself, challenging the answers you receive, experimenting with being being "enfemme" to see how you feel... all wonderful tools to allow yourself to discover the path that's right for you.

Keep it up

Kate

[Kendall]

Only reason I react how I did is from reading...

The point is, I kept having second thoughts about transition.  Then third thoughts, and fourth thoughts and so on...  I just kept mulling over it, kept tossing and turning mentally with uncertainty.  Until it just clicked.

I realized that the main reason I'd consider staying a man is to do a favor to the other women in the world.  I take pride in my ability to play the role of a good, honest, charming gentleman.   It's as simple as acting out exactly what I find most attractive in a male.

I almost want to stay male for the sake of both genders.  Good men just seem so rare...  but then again, I have several male friends who are wonderful people, and they aren't afflicted with internal conflict like I am.

Sounds like your working through things now from your later posts.

Oddly enough, she found everything to be absoloutely fascinating.  In fact, by the end of the night, we were closer and more comfortable with eachother than either of us had expected.  It was very nice, since it was just the night before that I'd been lying in bed thinking about how lonely I was (I have brilliant luck, I guess.)

No I couldnt tell what had been told to her from that post. I knew she knew something but not what. From the post itself wondering if you should stay male for the sake of there are not a lot of great men (though there are a few good men at this site) I figured it was for her that you would stay male. If she knew (or someone like her) and liked you knowing you would transition,  I figured she didnt know also.

It would have made more sense to me if you found a girl that loves you for who you are TS, and that it helped reinforce your desire to transition, and helped remove any second thoughts even if you like women.

[cindianna_jones]

Thank you so much for the insight.  Really, the only issue with me right now is money.  My friends and family are incredibly sweet and accepting.  Despite the fact that I said I live in a very conservative area, I'm a very social person, and I have a knack for seeking out honest, open-minded individuals to be my friends.  There's really no cost or issue there...  it really is just about money.  I'm so dang poor, but I agreed to a promotion at my job, so I'll be getting about 20% more, plus free food, which will help a lot.  So it's all coming together.  School is really what's most important to me right now, right next to transitioning.  They're equal.  Don't cry bloody murder for me saying that, but I think education is the most important thing in the world, period, no matter who you are.  I'm going to be a teacher!

Your education should be your very top priority.  It will form a solid foundation for the rest of your life.  You are correct to put that in the number one position.  Don't forget that the pursuit of money should be secondary in your quest for a career.  Of course, the fact that you desire to be a teacher already tells me that you've got that one covered. Of all professionals, I admire teachers the most.  They are the angels in our society.

No, my dear, you will not get razzled from me for putting school first. 

Chin up!

Cindi

[Jillieann Rose]

I like what you said, yes school should be first. I was stuck in a job that paid great, but I hated it, for over 20 years. Then I went back to college and got another degree. Now I have a job that I enjoy, even though it doesn't pay allot. I'd never go back to the former job even for twice the salary they paid me before.
Okay Blair, if your family and friends are fine with the transitioning then you are one luck girl.
Most of us have loved ones that have a hard time with us being TS.

If you can start setting a little money aside maybe the amount of your raise if you can get. It will added up quicker than you think. Just don't brower from it, because if you like most pople you will not pay yourself back.
Hang in there honey you will make it.

Jillieann 

[Omika]

I make leaps and bounds every day, really.  I really enjoyed dressing up yesterday, and once I put on makeup, plucked my eyebrows and did my hair right, I realized that I don't just pass, I'm actually really attractive (in an exotic, Armenian sort of way...  I have a big nose cause of my heritage.  o.o)  My friends were right, I think.  I just need to take care of myself and my body.  I'll post pictures next saturday and you can all tell me how you think I do!  I'm really pleased with the results, so I think I might be comfortable switching roles to prepare myself sooner than I thought.  I don't want to be a "horror story", which is why I'm here asking tough questions, letting out my emotions, scheduling an appointment with a therapist and clearing every step of transition one at a time, making sure everything is green before I go down any paths from which there are no return.

I just kept getting this impression from a few people here that transitioning, for them, was this overwhelming urge, this thing to do above all things, etc.  For me, it's just another part of my life, and despite how serious the process is, I'm approaching it as calmly as I can.  I know it was said earlier that I just don't sound like most TS girls, so therefore I must not be one.  Well, let me just point out that I'm not like most TS girls.  I'm very young, I'm very sure of myself, I have supportive friends/family and I just see this as a journey to truly unlocking my human potential.  This is not a negative thing for me.  Absoloutely nothing bad is happening because of it.  I still have every single one of my friends, my parents love me (maybe even a little more) and I think I pass quite well.  I could probably just go stealth if I felt like it, and I will to a degree, but I still want to get to know others like myself, perhaps even help a few with advice when I'm through the whole ordeal.

Thanks for the compliments, though, I really am trying hard to be healthy about this.  As for being a teacher, it's always been something I've wanted to do.  I want to write books and teach children to read.  Training my future audience and all that.  ^_^

[beth]

Hiya Blair,

I'm very young, I'm very sure of myself, I have supportive friends/family and I just see this as a journey to truly unlocking my human potential.  This is not a negative thing for me.  Absoloutely nothing bad is happening because of it.  I still have every single one of my friends, my parents love me (maybe even a little more) and I think I pass quite well

              Your life sounds wonderful, it reminds me of fantasies I have had in the past.  I hope it all works out the way you want it to.


beth

[Omika]

Hiya Blair,

I'm very young, I'm very sure of myself, I have supportive friends/family and I just see this as a journey to truly unlocking my human potential.  This is not a negative thing for me.  Absoloutely nothing bad is happening because of it.  I still have every single one of my friends, my parents love me (maybe even a little more) and I think I pass quite well

              Your life sounds wonderful, it reminds me of fantasies I have had in the past.  I hope it all works out the way you want it to.


beth

I'm just trying really hard to be happy.  I always have, my whole life...  it's why I'm so picky about friends and the people I associate with.  I'm lucky in a lot of ways, though.  I hope I don't come across as conceited, because it's really not my intention.