Husbands ...

[beckster]

Hey peeps, how are we all ?  Aint had much of a chance to post lately as have been up the wall in work and was staying at my friends again this weekend.

I was sitting with my friend on Saturday afternoon when we got on to the subject of getting ready to go out that night, what we would be wearing, did we need to do something with our hair, etc.  During the course of the conversation she mentioned her husband had brought up the subject of some of the things we have done together and it sounds as though he isn't entirely comfortable with some of them.  Things like getting changed infront of each other when we are getting ready to go out, sharing changing rooms when we are trying on clothes and going away together to see our other friends.  Nothing of a sexual nature has ever happened or will happen.  There has never been a suggestion of it as she is one of my best friends and is married with kids, besides, girls just aren't my thing anymore !!

Neither my friend or her husband knew me previously, they only know me as the person I am now.  I have been really open about things with them, apparently a relative of my friend caused loads of agro by transitioning without the knowledge of anyone in the family.  I know you could argue that its no ones business but you cant just turn up to see the family after undergoing SRS and expect them not to get upset can you ?

There have never been any other issues with my friend or her husband.  I get on well with her husband and we can talk to each other quite easily when my friend is not with us.  Even the kids are cool with me, although lets not mention the fact they used to call me "aunty betty", lol.  Is her husband just feeling threatened by me, is that all it is ?  Is there an element of him still seeing me as a guy, so its not his wife spending time with a girlfriend but instead his wife spending time with another guy ?  I presume the best thing to do is just give him time and let him see I am not a threat to him, that his wife is just a friend to me and we do things together that most girls probably do at somepoint ?  Either that or we strip off and have it out in the backyard, lol !!!! 

Has anyone else ever been in the situation ?  How did you deal with it ?

Becky
xx

[cindianna_jones]

He's obvioiusly not fully accepted you as a total female.  He's having a hard time with some of the issues he'd rather not talk about.  I think that your strategy of patience sounds good.  Just give him time and nothing to worry after.  The longer you know them both, the less he'll feel this way.

Chin up!

Cindi

[Melissa]

I agree he is not seeing you completely as female.  Also, I think he is insecure with his marriage.  Things are probably not completely solid and there are probably some trust issues between the 2 of them.  In a secure marriage, your gender would not even be an issue (i.e. she may be hanging out wwith another guy as a friend) and he would be fine.

Melissa

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi Beckster,
I would think that you should be cautions when it comes to (your words)

Things like getting changed in front of each other when we are getting ready to go out, sharing changing rooms when we are trying on clothes

for awhile anyway. He does have a problem with fully trusting you but it may not be even related to being TS. And he also may be he is just jealous of how close you two are.
Just my opinion anyway.
She does sound like a great friend.

Jillieann

[Steph]

I haven't experienced this issue yet (I don't think so anyway) but I have to agree that maybe you should cool down on the getting changed together etc.  As you know acceptance is not a constant thing it's different for everyone so give the husband a little time to get his head around this.  No matter how strong their relationship is, if he perceives you as a man it would be a strain for anyone.   You may want to chat with your GF to see if there is a problem, get her side of the story and go from there.  In any event curtailing activities that the husband feels uncomfortable with is a small price to pay to preserve a friendship.

Steph

[Ricki]

One word here beck..........
HOMOPHOBES, err well two homophobics...
I know a lot of these creepy types!
Unjust concerns leads me to determine homophobic male behavior (sorry guys not meant to insult the sex just the act of being homophobic!)
lovely lovely kisses abound..
my chocolate cake is calling me...
Ricki 

[KarenLyn]

Welllll, You could ask your friend to let it slip that you have a boyfriend. That might help relieve his anxiety. YMMV

Karen Lyn

[katia]

i don't think it has to do with [his acceptance of your being a woman.]  it sounds more like [plain] jealously & insecurity. jealousy is one trait that has bothered and brought about the downfall of many. it's common to have people who are jealous of your partner, your house, your job, your car, your laugh, your hair, your smile, your pet dog, your holiday photos...in other words anything that you possess or will possess in the future.
so the best way to go about it is to completely ignore a comment aimed with jealousy rather than letting it affect you at all. and it would be prudent to make a mental note of [such people]; [they] don't know the meaning of live and let live, something you seem to be a great advocate of, so you should mingle with more of your kind.
maybe when he says something snippy and you know [he's just envious], respond to him with pity, hopefully he'll get the message that he's wasting his life being catty toward you.

[beckster]

Thanks everyone, there are some interesting points in your replies.  My friend did discuss it with her husband when the subject was brought up by him.  She tried to explain that nothing has ever happened or will happen and when we are together its just as friends.  Its one of those things though that you cant persuade someone else to be comfortable with if you know what I mean.  They have to find that for themselves.

I am seeing my friend again this coming weekend so will have a gab about it with her.  Maybe the easiest thing as a few of you have suggested is to just take a step back and make sure my friend and I aren't getting in to situations her husband might not be comfy with.  You are right Jillieann about her being a good friend, couldnt really ask for a better one to be honest !!  Am still not 100% clear on where the issue stems from, it could be a TS issue or a relationship issue between my friend and her husband - maybe its a bit of both. 

Its interesting though as he knows I have been dating guys for quite a while.  My friend and I where where chatting about some of them on new years eve and she was telling her husband about some of the more "interesting" dates I have had whilst we were all sitting together.  Maybe if I reached a point where I got in to a serious relationship it would relieve some of his worries though.

Give him his due though, he has never said anything out of place to me and I have never detected any bad vibes.  He is always really friendly with me and we get on find.  If there was a major problem I know my friend would deal with it as needed.

As I say, I will speak to my friend again this weekend and see how things are at the moment.  This situation is not the end of the world but definately dont want to cause problems between my friend and her husband.  And I definately dont want to cause problems between the two of us.

Right, I had better get back to work.  Any developments and I will let you know !!

Becky
xx

[Ricki]

thanks beck..
Time is limited this weeks evenings but i am happy you replied and will reply more as you go into this!
sloppy american hug sent your way!
Ricki

[Suzy]

Becky,

At least he will talk about it.  I guess I'm in the minority here, but most guys would feel a little uneasy.  But you have an open door to get it all squared away.  This, IMHO, is a lot better than pent up hostilities that come out in seemingly unexplainable ways and the least expected moments.  I'll give him credit for honesty.  As long as there's communication there is good reason to hope for the best.

Love,
Kristi

[Ricki]

Hi Beck..
More time now less active brain cells to use.. Vicodined out with a bad migraine all day not feeling much pain right now!
I agree with what Kristi said.  I guess in the whole thing any communication is better than no communication!  Men as a rule seem to act less personal and be less personal to me it should not be as big a hinderance issue as if the case was turned and it was a guys wife? 
viva la ricki

[beckster]

Hey Folks, sorry its taken like forever to reply, things have been kinda hectic lately.

I stayed over at my friends again this weekend and the subject came up in conversation so we had a brief chat about it.  She has talked things through with her husband and although I am not going to go into detail, from other things we also talked about there are relationship issues between them both, which is quite sad really.  I know this sounds such like a strange thing to say and maybe its a little selfish, but when you see things going on in other people's lives it kinda makes you thankfull for what you have !!  It's just so frustrating as I wish I could do something to help but this one aint my fight, my friend and her husband need to find their own way with things, fingers crossed they get things sorted though.

I feel I just need to be careful where I stand, I dont want the relationship I have with my friend to cause her additional problems but I also dont want to make myself to distant if you know what I mean ?  Am sure it will all turn out okay in the end though.

Becky
xx

[Krisstina]

I think often we go straight to the fact that we are transexual and thats why some one is acting this way or that way. I know I have done it. 

I think in reality he is just being a normal male and sees anyone one getting to close to his wife a possible threat. Ill bet a bunch if you were genetic F he still would have said that to his wife. 

Just play it cool and dont bite into his BS.


Kristina

[LostInTime]

I have been accused of carrying on an affair with a married friend.  it came as a shock to myself and the friend.  We stopped getting together for lunch as often as we had been and things cooled down between the friend and the spouse.  Now we just get together periodically over lunch, maybe once a month.

In the relationship I am in now, my friend was having trouble dealing with jealousy issues regarding having me in the house so much.  It was not so much as her thinking that I was going to steal away the husband as it was a self esteem issue.  The two of them worked it out and things have been really good and continue to improve between the three of us.  Probably helps that I constantly flirt with both of them rather equally. 

[Ricki]

Beck i should cheerfully add i love married people especially when they are not married to me!
Ricki........