what my only thoughts have been since wednesday evening

[some ftm guy]

have pretty much been this on an endless loop:

i can't even describe how much my life sucks right now. i might not have a way up to Ann Arbor to see a gender therapist or a doctor who'll prescribe me T. i tried through january to see if my therapist in town can talk with the director at the gender program to learn whatever it is she'd have to and be able to write me a T letter, then i tried to talk to my doctor to see if she'd prescribe me T and instead she referred me to another regular therapist who's insurance isn't on par with mine so this secretary whoever who i talked to at the doctors office sent me to place for general therapy, no specialists for anything to see another general therapist where i had to have an intake and i talked to this old ignorant insensitive ***** who didn't know the slightest thing about transgendered people, who  was so ******* uncomfortable around me so i said o.k clearly I'm not going to be able to transition around here so I HAVE TO somehow find a way to Ann Arbor where i know the people at that program know what the **** they're doing. but i tried talking to my mom about it and she sounds like she still, somehow even though I've talked about it at my therapists office doesn't know what the **** i mean by transition and thinks I'm going to be destroying my whole **** body with the T. that every organ is going to shut down or something bad will happen and she'll have to take me to the emergency room or some stupid ****. she just doesn't want me to transition i really hate fake people and she's turned out to be one too, when i told her about all this in late october in my therapists office she took it amazingly well, i mean she wasn't the slightest bit mad or unaccepting about it, i couldn't be happier about it til the last few weeks I've noticed she only  called me he or him or by Noah for the first couple weeks after i told her and now she says my girl name all the **** time and ends every sentence with girl. she must have thought it was some phase as if 25 year olds have phases. of course she's not going to say what she really meant in the office in front of someone else, she'll look bad she'll instead do this fake supporting of me than tell me she'll have nothing to do with any of this and refuse to take me there to get help. maybe if i tell her she either puts up with me changing into a guy or puts up with me being dead it'll change her mind but i don't know. i have to ask other family if they'll take me. ones who have left hillsdale county more often and don't think stuff like "Jackson is big enough." who will take me there. but I'm pretty sure my dad will be the same way or worse and have no part in it. my aunt who i also thought was perfectly fine with it when i first told her, told me a couple months ago  she doesn't approve, said the people i became friends with (other trans guys) were a bad influence. really? for crying out loud! so i don't have her for help either, i don't know what the **** to do. there's no taxi's or buses here and even if we did that'd be terrible for getting there on time for an appointment and i really need to go with someone, they stay with me in the waiting room or something and leave with me because obviously they're going to have to take me back home too but i don't have a soul on earth who gives a ->-bleeped-<-, or doesn't understand and refuses to learn about it,  mom really needs to pull her head out of her *** and realize I'm an adult i need a life of my own, she's never cared one bit about anything I've ever said, thought or done, any time I've ever tried doing anything on my own or have relationships besides her, she throws a fit and has no part of it whatsoever. I'm serious, she's ******* crazy to think she can keep us around as pets so she won't be alone. but she has. i need to tell her she either  tolerates me transitioning, takes me to the gender program or she'll find me dead in this house real soon after i make and miss the first appointment. otherwise....i don't have any other way there, and i can't live like this anymore it's all been a lie. first time in a few years i mean YEARS that I've started to think suicide might have to be my only option if i spend a couple more months in the same place not on T and not even have seen a gt yet.

then i said all that to a friend over an e-mail (yay for copy and paste) saying i just reeeeeeeeally needed to vent about wanting to die so i didn't actually hurt myself so luckily i just spent a few days laying around crying and my chest felt heavy, moving, even breathing was work for some reason but i didn't actually do anything to physically harm me....wahoo? then a couple days ago it lifted off, I'm still scared as hell i might not be able to transition and i don't want to wait another year or 2 either because this is no life!! I'm not a girl!! but most of the emotional and physical doom feeling slowly faded away and friends at work, internet videos became funny again. it's odd. I'm still really scared but I think I'm sort of o.k? til my next therapists appointment this wednesday to see if she's heard from the director at the gender program yet since this started late december. ugh who knows.

[xAndrewx]

Wow that is some intense stuff man! I haven't got much to say but I wanted to give you an e-hug so *hug* and I really hope things start working out for you soon. I hope that being able to vent a little bit helped as well. Good luck with everything 

[insideontheoutside]

Glad that lifted for you. I've been to some pretty dark places myself but that was years ago. If I could have given myself advice back then it definitely would have been along the lines that YOU have to make your life the way you want it. Do not wait or depend on anyone else to do it.

If you're experiencing obstacles now, realize that it's not the end of the road. An obstacle can be overcome, circumvented, climbed over - it's not a permanent blockage.

[EthanD]

I understand the feeling of hopelessness and frustration that comes from hitting roadblock after roadblock. I am living in a very rural/conservative area of Virginia and I was finding that the closest gender specialists were 2-3 hours away. After almost a year of frustration and feeling like medical transition was never going to happen I was given the name of an online gender therapist. At first I thought "sketchy" but I was wrong. Her name is Melissa Leonhardt (Brand new day counseling) and she is affordable, understanding and is much more of a support system vs. a gatekeeper. I have been doing sessions with her and am close to getting my carry letter for hormones. Online therapy isn't for everyone but, I thought I would pass along the information if you wanted to give it a try.
As far as getting to a doctor that can/will give hormones...I don't know your full situation but if there is a clinic in a larger area they might work with you a bit to cut down on the number of times you have to travel there. The clinic I found is letting me do a lot of my intake paperwork (they are sliding-scale so I have to do a financial screen) online and on the phone so I can get set up as a patient before I have my first appointment for bloodwork and a physical. I don't have a working vehicle or much of a local support system so I will be taking the train for the 3 hour trip. If you don't have a public transit service that can get you to a larger area have you considered renting a car? I don't know if that is a possibility for you but that might be a viable option if you can't find someone who can help you out.
Basically I am saying don't give up hope. Not living in a metropolition area and not having access to transportation or resources can seem like huge hurdles but, they can be overcome eventually.
I am glad that your vent helped you step out of that dark place a bit. I wish you luck. 

[tekla]

there's no taxi's or buses here and even if we did that'd be terrible for getting there on time for an appointment
There are two trains a day, they get in late, you'd most likely have to spend the night.  A night in Ann Arbor is not exactly life in hell or anything. 

closest gender specialists were 2-3 hours away
Jackson to Ann Arbor is 40 miles, straight shot on the interstate.
The train takes 40 minutes and costs 13 bucks one way, the way back can be had for 9.  I could almost ride a bike there in 3 hours weather providing.

I know this area well, as my GF grew up a few towns over and I spend time at the lakes SE of there on occasion.  (It's a weird rock and roll deal, I have a few industry friends who have cabins on Wamplers and Columbia Lakes, and George Clinton lives around there with a lot of his crew.)  I think at 25 you need to take more responsibly for your life.

[JohnR]

Do you have some particular need to still live with your mother at 25 or is it a personal choice?

[some ftm guy]

i probably shouldn't have said that i still live at home because that's just embarrassing and people will probably either pity me or have no respect for me i guess i don't deserve any. i know i have to find a way to do all this on my own like every other adult and i wish I'd been able to for everything for the last few years it's just....believing i can. i don't have any kind of physical or mental disability to have to rely on other people, i really should be able to live on my own i take care of myself, can pay bills, buy things by myself and I've been wanting my own place and hating living here and working where i do every day for the last almost 5 years and i just complain and get depressed about it and do nothing to get out of here so of course nothing has changed.

[tekla]

Also, three Greyhounds to AA per day, one in the AM, one around noon, one at night.  And yeah, it's the hound from hell, but it's only an hour ride.

Or a ride board somewhere?  I'll bet that at 40 miles from AA there is a regular parade there back and forth every day.

[insideontheoutside]

i probably shouldn't have said that i still live at home because that's just embarrassing and people will probably either pity me or have no respect for me i guess i don't deserve any. i know i have to find a way to do all this on my own like every other adult and i wish I'd been able to for everything for the last few years it's just....believing i can. i don't have any kind of physical or mental disability to have to rely on other people, i really should be able to live on my own i take care of myself, can pay bills, buy things by myself and I've been wanting my own place and hating living here and working where i do every day for the last almost 5 years and i just complain and get depressed about it and do nothing to get out of here so of course nothing has changed.

Well, it kinda sounds like YOU are pitying yourself. I'm not dissing you - just making an observation (and using past personal experience). If you are talking like you don't "deserve any" respect then you believe that inside. You believe that you're pathetic for still living at home and probably lots of other reasons. It's hard to change that line of thinking overnight. It's the "I Can't." line of thought really. Probably mixed with some fear about actually being on your own.

But now it does sound like you do realize the situation - at least in the fact that you've just been working at the same place and living at home and not actively doing anything to get out. So yes, nothing has changed, but it sounds like you want it to now, right? I think people are naturally resistant to change. I know the day I moved out of my parents house I spent that night, alone in the new apartment balling my eyes out because I didn't, "want to be an adult". It was total fear mixed with self-pity and yes I totally thought of it all as absolutely, 100% pathetic. I had friends that were partying the night they left their parents house. It makes you feel weak that you can't just look life in the face and do what you have to do sometimes. That first year out on my own was interesting to say the least, but I learned from experiences and I think grew as a person emotionally every year that passed.

Anyway, it's only when you have gotten out of the self-pity thing and made some strong decisions to really live, and live the way you want, that you'll allow change to happen. It will probably take dedication (like saving $$ to do it), research (what are the steps you need to take ... explore cost of living ... make a budget ... etc.), and determination. You can do it.

[some ftm guy]

actually i have taken the amtrak from jackson to Ann arbor 9 times, if you count there and back, 18. from august 08 til may of 09 to see an ex gf who lived another 20 minutes north of there. because she never put any effort into coming to see me, any farther than the train station so i had to get a taxi from jackson to drive 45 minutes over here to where they're completely unfamiliar, i had to guide them through every street once we're close to outside of town i started to not be sure how to get any farther so they'd be guessing. til we got to the highway close to jackson and they took me to the train station. and the same thing coming back 3 or 4 days later. the train rides were pleasent ya just sit back and watch the view. except for the 15 minute to hour and a half delays. i think ONCE there was no delay at all, i couldn't freakin believe it. and the taxi's....both expensive and just a nightmare, one guy got waaaaay lost, kept saying he knew where he was going but if your way out in a dirt road through a field you don't know where you're going. anyway taxi and train there and back i paid for most of them since my gf at the time hardly worked the almost 2 years we were together since she couldn't keep a job, from sucking at about all of them and she kept getting fired for being gay. and when i had to pace around outside the station at 10, 11, 12 at night since they closed at 4 pm, waiting for a train in late fall around that abandoned, dark area of jackson. watch people walk by and look you over, wonder what they're thinking. if there was a taxi service in this town, or a bus like greyhounds then i would take those, I'd rather take a car from my house to the doctors office. which hopefully I'll be able to do since i apply to this free program tomorrow that my therapist was talking about, i can use that til i get my license. then work another job, work my ass off to save up for a car, then look for an apartment up there then maybe colllege while i work but i shall see. I'd like to though.