Are you married to a transexual?

[Beverly]

Are you married to a transexual? Please give me advice on how you are making it work and feeling okay about yourself too.

[cynthialee]

Hi Beverly;
I am in a unique place in life. I am a transsexual, and I am also married to a transsexual.
We were married before either of us made the descision to change outward physical apearance. We both knew about eachothers transgender feelings but we had intended on living in our birth sex as husband and wife.
Obviously things changed.
I had a meltdown and the only option left me was transition or die. As I started to transition my wife soon made it clear s/he would also be transitioning.
Although I knew it could happen I didn't expect it too happen. I was very surpised. Even though was transitioning I was very much opposed to my spouse following suit. I kept such objections too myself at the time as I did not wish to apear as a hypocrit. (not my proudest moment...)
It took me some time to adjust to my mates changes. I resented the deep voice that s/he developed. I was worried how I would respond sexualy when hir body started to become more male than female. Luckily we are both bisexual. So things worked out well in that areana but there are other considerations to take into consideration.
We are now looked at like a lesbian couple. And treated as such by society.
My wonderful tender, bubbly, prone to emotional overload wife has become my stoic and introspective hersband.
Hormones change everything about your spouse. But I have found this too be a good thing. My mate has become very stable mentaly since s/he started testosterone. I have a healthy spouse now. That makes up for alot. Before hormones s/he was in a state of depression alot of the time. Now Sevan can get upset and not have it rule hir world.

With out a depressed mate I can rest easier. I was on suicide watch for years before Sevan started to transition. That is a good return right there.

The main thing that has made transition ok for this family is that we both get a happy and better adjusted spouse. We get to become the people that god has chalenged us to become to great reward. And we get to share these chalenges togather.


As for advise....
Look deep within yourself. Do you want to continue in a romantic relationship with your spouse? If so you need to be somewhat bisexual. Even then it can be a chalenge when the new woman/man in your bed is your spouse.
If you are not interested in maintaining a romantic relationship, are you ok with living as sisters/bestfriends? Even if you are not romanticly involved people will assume you are. Married couple energy stays if you stay.

If you can not live with her anymore you need to be honest with yourself and her as soon as possible.

Regardless of wheather you stay or go you will benifit if you seek counsiling. As a couple would be a great idea if you stay.

Keep in mind this.
Your spouse is going to become a better stronger person. If she is like many of us she was a wounded bird unable to fly before she came out. Give her time to heal and watch how far she can fly.

I hope that things turn out well for you no matter the outcome. And please let us know how you are doing and how this turns out.

[pretty pauline]

Are you married to a transexual? Please give me advice on how you are making it work and feeling okay about yourself too.

I surpose thats a question that could be directed to my Husband who is married to a post op trans woman. I think it must be more differcult when you marry a guy, then goes through transition to become a woman.
My situation was different, Im now post op and my transition completed 25years ago long before I met my Husband. He never knew me as a guy, he has only ever known me as a woman, to other people and friends we are just a normal happly married couple, we have a hetrosexual relationship as a man & woman, he's a completely straight guy. I took a gamble telling him about my history, but he excepted me, now that he knows my history we moved forward.
To me, it ment the world to me, for Him to except me as a woman, when He gives me flowers, he certainly makes me feel like a woman.

p

[Mrs Erocse]

Hi Beverly,

I am married to a transexual. Roxy and I have been married for 29 yrs. I found out fully what that was in August 2010. What it would mean to our life was to come in the following months. Roxy has been full time since October 2010.

Making it work; is as simple as the golden rule. Both should treat each other the way you would like to be treated.

People we know and have known us have all been supportive and kind. Even waitresses or store clerks that have been familiar with us as man and wife greet us kindly and nicely.

Family, rejection and mean spirited ignorance are hard. I would suggest that has been the most hurtful. Roxy's family has for the most part not been accepting, or Christian in their approach.

The rest is about landing on top. I like to be positive and each day I choose that as my modus operandus. I have good people in my life and Roxy is one of them. She is my best friend. We work together and live together. It is about whether the glass is half full or half empty. I see half full and know that with a positive attitude it will be full soon. It is a choice. Choose Love.

Life is good. Being a pioneer with great people (Everyone here on Susan's has been great to know) and paving the way for the future acceptance of transgender people is a good life mission. I didn't have any other missions in my life,except to be a good person. I was given this one. I take pride in my family. I hope this sets a good example to future families.

Wishing you the very best in life.

Many hugs.
Patty

[Ruby]

Hi Beverly and welcome to this site!

I heartily agree with everything that Patty has said about having a positive attitude including feeling a sense of mission around being chosen to love a transsexual.

Chelsea and I have been married for 22 years. We began the journey to really understanding her transsexuality about 2 years ago. She has lived full time as a female for a little over one year.  She just completed her sex reassignment surgery a few months ago.

For me, it has been very important to read a lot of trans biographies as well as some theory. I also find it useful to read about being queer (as in LGBT issues). I also read in the area of feminism. These are new areas for me; before I concentrated on spiritual matters and gardening. We have put together a web page with our writings explaining in depth our understandings as they develop.

One of the most useful insights that both Chelsea and I have carried on this journey is to see the transition as being not just for Chelsea, but also for me. I would be changing, inside if not out. I rise to the challenge of changing on the inside to be the most loving and expressive being I can manage; to be helpful to others; to connect with my higher power as much as possible.

Many blessings on your and your loved one, Beverly.
I hope our writings help you a bit. Ask more questions when they come to you.
Hugs,
Ruby

[hland]

I am married to someone who is trans. He is an FTM. I met him as a lesbian and kind of considered him to be the "one that got away". When we reunited a few years later and he explained to me that if we were going to be together, I would have to accept him as male...I didn't think twice! Now we've been married for a year and together for three years.

I think all too often, people get so hung up on the LABEL. Am I bisexual? Am I a Lesbian? Does it make me Gay if the person I love feels they are the same gender as I am? I know that society places an extreme amount of pressure on us to conform, to be "normal", to be "straight", and to put ourselves into specific labels...but it doesn't have to be that way. Help us break the social norms that we are forced into!

If you truly love your spouse, and you could not imagine your life without that person...push past the stereotypes, the backlash and the negativity. You'll get past it and be so happy that you did.

The best way I know to "feel okay" about yourself is to put your partner first. If you think about the things they are feeling and going through at this time...the disgust with their body, the panic they feel when using a public restroom, the sexual discomfort, the depression, the embarrassment of being referred to as something they aren't...you develop a sort of need to protect them from everyone else. A need to make sure they never feel all those negative things again. So, instead of thinking, "What will people think of me?", think, "My partner is going through something incredibly difficult right now, how can I help them, so no one thinks different of them?"

[Just Kate]

My wife is married to a transsexual (me).  We discussed it before we were married so she went into the marriage knowing about me.  She told me she wanted to be married to a male; I told her I would need her help in adjusting and maintaining that.

She has been the greatest help I could have ever asked for.  She has supported me continuously by always having an open ear and educating herself on trans issues.  I have tried different treatments to help me deal with my GID - many were unsuccessful but some really helped.  Regardless, she has stuck with me, helped me see the light when I couldn't and gave me a reason to keep up the fight against my GID taking over my life.  Most importantly she stuck to her own standards.  She knew what she expected out of marriage and will remain so long as that stays true.  If she had compromised that it would have led to bitterness and blame - a difficult cycle to break.

If I had to say the best thing she has done, it is let me cry on her shoulder.  When the pain from my GID gets bad, I need a place to go, a place free of judgment and fear, a place I can let out my anxiety, and she has been that for me.  I love her dearly and only wish that other TS could be so lucky to have such a partner.