Discuss: Certain of GI (GID), wary of the social risks of transition

[caitlin_adams]

In a thread asking whether undertaking HRT as a diagnostic tool for gender incongruence is a wise thing to do, Eve of Chaos said  "I am 100% sure that I want to be a girl, what I am not so sure of is if I can handle life if I dont pass to 95% of people."

I wanted to discuss this a little more as it represents exactly how I feel.

I am now 99% certain that my gender identity is that of a woman.
I am now 99% certain that this is due to gender incongruence (GID) and not some sort of sexual fetish or some former of mental illness.
I am now 100% certain that all other things being equal I would prefer to live life as a woman.

I don't need convincing on any of the above, it's taken me a couple of years to come to these conclusions.

Despite accepting the above, I still find the decision to transition a difficult one because transition doesn't leave all other things equal, through the process of aligning my social role, body and mind I materially effect my ability to live a highly functioning life.

My fear is that if I transition and am not accepted by the broader public in my new gender I will still be suffering a sort of gender incongruence but this time it will no longer be inncongruence between the mind and body but rather incongruence between the mind & body and social role. This is important because I believe gender is very much 'lived'. It derives meaning through one's interactions with others. My fear is that I wont be seen as a woman but as an other.

Now this would concern me less if I was older and already had children and a well established career however this is not the case. I'm 26 and intend to go to university to facilitate a career change.

So to summarize, my problem is this: I have no doubt that I would prefer life living as a fully fledged woman but my concern is that through undertaking HRT there's a risk that I won't be socially accepted into my preferred gender. This would lead to the inability to find a husband, have children (surrogacy is difficult), have a meaningful social life and have meaningful career opportunities.

It is this risk that sees me deferring HRT even though my therapist is ready to refer me to an endocrinologist.

[Skyanne]

Well, there's pretty much a certainty that you will go through a period where you look a bit like an 'other' presenting as either gender role. There's not really an easy option, you've just gotta overcome the fear and work of what you want.

[spacial]

caitlin.

Can you try a gradual change? Taking each step as you feel comfortable?

[JennX]

I'm 27 and had all the same feelings and concerns. You also sound like a realist, which is always good. It's good that your aware of the "social issues" that could arise and challenges you may face do to your transition. I also had these same fears.

Basically, it comes down to what is going to make you happy and complete. Transitioning is selfish. It's something you have to do for you, and no one else. At some point point you have to ask yourself enough questions and come to your own conclusion. There's no rush either, take your time.

You will read many "horror stories" out about people who transition, whether MTF or FTM. I'd just like to mention there are some really positive stories as well. Your age, if anything, would be a positive in my book. You don't have to deal with all the issues of having had a wife, kids, job etc. Hormones will have a greater effect on your anatomy and physiology now, rather than later. Finally, if you're most worried about if or if not how well you'll be received by others socially, just get out there and see. There's no law about going out in public dressed and acting as a member of the opposite sex. Go to the movies, mall, super market, and see. That way you'll have some direct social experience to rely on when making your decision.

Good luck. 

[Emmanuelle]

My MD summarized it best (at least for me): "if GID is a reality, you owe it to yourself to do something with it".

And true: whatever you do, it always comes back and stronger every time. I just wish I had the guts 20 years ago (and a place like this to not feel like the only person in the world struggling with this) to do something about it...

The social risk is always there, however the longer you postpone, the higher the risk becomes. I'm 43, got a company, staff, clients, professional networks, wife... you name it. And still my psy didn't declare me nuts. Go figure.

[Nigella]

You have to plan your transition. The danger of not planning is to become unemployed, living on benefits with all that that entails. I had a five year plan, I'm three years into that and had my GRS last year. I have a good job, I too went back to uni, which had helped and started transition through that time as far as my look was concerned. Uni is an accepting place.

I also moved to a new area for work having graduated came there with just my car packed, lol. Now I am just about coming out on top financially and by this coming September only have a mortgage on my property.

You have to plan for finance, housing, bills, car/travel, laser, GRS unless funded by health service, clothes, makeup (if yo wear it), social activities (to help you integrate into society as a woman) and female facial surgery (if needed). I run, go to a camera club, church, eat out, lol, theatre, etc, etc.

Factor in all that you can think of and where you want to be in five years time. believe me the time goes so quickly when you look back.

The danger is social social exclusion even in times when GID is more accepted.

Stardust

[MarinaM]

My gears are all girl. Ask yourself this:

Personally, am I better at living as a man or a woman?

The answer can't involve other people or how you get along with them. The answer for me came when I realized that I just liked living a whole lot better knowing I was female [(in here!)]<---- my head. Now I'm moving my body to match my mind.

There is a huge social interaction component to GID, but it ultimately failed to be my biggest reason to, or not to, transition.

[Rock_chick]

If you let your reality be defined by other peoples perception of you, you're life really won't be much fun at all.

When you start out the thought of how people will perceive you is terrifying, but gradual you learn that it's not how people perceive you that's important, it's how you perceive yourself.

[Debra]

I think all of us to some extent worry about this.

I want to be seen as a woman and while at first that didn't always happen.....it happens now for the most part all of the time. I take it for granted even. And that's only 1+ years on HRT.

Mind you, everyone's different.....it's a hard thing to deal with when you DONT pass and it HAS been hard at times for me.

And some people (family, old friends) may NEVER see you as a woman or their daughter or sister etc.

In those times, it comes down to my NEED to be ME. No matter what anyone else thinks.

[Illusionary weapons]

Now this would concern me less if I was older and already had children and a well established career however this is not the case. I'm 26 and intend to go to university to facilitate a career change.

So to summarize, my problem is this: I have no doubt that I would prefer life living as a fully fledged woman but my concern is that through undertaking HRT there's a risk that I won't be socially accepted into my preferred gender. This would lead to the inability to find a husband, have children (surrogacy is difficult), have a meaningful social life and have meaningful career opportunities.

It is this risk that sees me deferring HRT even though my therapist is ready to refer me to an endocrinologist.

Caitlin it's not about preference, the only choice you have is to accept or deny your very being.  I have a masculine side I love him, well he's actually cool lol, but he's not me, I've decieved myself that he's enough, but living as him has been an extremely limited existence.  I've ALWAYS been diorced from the world at a personal social level, even as the party is going on, yes in some ways I'm there interacting, being with the girls, but I want to be one of the girls, and there is the solution and the only choice.  Do I continue to deny my very being?  In my heart I want to conceive and carry my child (and also adopt as well), get married, finding a man will only happen if I do something.  Conceiving my child, well I have no ovaries so tbh my sperm doesn't feel right to me, there I've said it!

The world isn't perfect but there's fundamental things concernining identity we have no choice about, my gender is core.

[Carlita]

Caitlin ... I am exactly twice your age and I have spent all the time between 26 and 52 wrestling with exactly the questions you are asking yourself. And with every year that happens, three things have happened ...

1. My GID has become more obvious and undeniable
2. My male social role has become more entrenched.
3. The physical difficulty of transitioning has increased.

At 26 I was already living with the woman from whom I am currently getting divorced, after three children, one of whom is still school-age. I had a job that I didn't dare leave, or risk by transitioning. I thought that if I just tried hard enough I could persuade myself to be properly male, by sheer force of will. Looking back, though, I wish I had at least given it a try ... taken all those baby-steps that people are telling you about, while I was still young enough for it to be relatively much easier than it would be now. Maybe it would have been a disaster ... but it's just as likely that i could now be living the happy, fulfilled female life for which I have always yearned.

I can't tell you whether you will feel satisfied as you begin your life as a woman. But I can absolutely assure you, from the depth of my heart, that you will always regret it if you do not even try ...